revised: Orchid Lounge

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

revised: Orchid Lounge

#1 Post by Billy » 24 Jul 2017, 06:58

revised:

Orchid Lounge

A sunken bar, the old songs
I never forgot. 'Well, shake it up,

baby, now, work it on out."*
My body knew, but I didn't.

I danced the twist in a white shirt,
saddle shoes. My first drink

an innocent sip. The adult, sawdust
dance floor, the smell of perfume

and alcohol. Rub of unbridled age.
Forever close but never there.

An underage ghost follows me--
final dance under a blue moon.



*lyrics from Twist and Shout



Well, Shake It Up, Baby, Now, Work It On Out*

A sunken bar, Orchid Lounge.
The old songs I never forgot.

I danced the twist in a white shirt,
saddle shoes. My first drink

an innocent sip. An adult, sawdust
dance floor, the smell of perfume

and alcohol. The rub of age
unbridled against growing youth.

An underage ghost follows me--
a final dance under a blue moon.



*lyrics from Twist and Shout

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Well, Shake It Up, Baby, Now, Work It On Out*

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Jul 2017, 08:06

B----


i like this cruise down memory lane...details, a lesson for those of us attempting to recreate such adventures.

less fond of this phrase:

unbridled against growing youth.

the poem speaks, murmurs a figurative even if clear language, but the phrase i'm pulling out for a closer look, that phrase too literal for my taste.

otherwise, another bang up job.



bernie

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Well, Shake It Up, Baby, Now, Work It On Out*

#3 Post by Billy » 24 Jul 2017, 17:23

Yeah, that line rubbed me wrong, too. I'll try to come back and rewrite the whole thing. I just felt like writing something last night and ripped it off as is in the post. No time to fix it right now, if it's fixable or if I want to fix it.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Well, Shake It Up, Baby, Now, Work It On Out*

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Jul 2017, 20:55

Good poem! I like these lines best:

I danced the twist in a white shirt,
saddle shoes. My first drink

an innocent sip. An adult, sawdust
dance floor, the smell of perfume

and alcohol.

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