Monarch Butterflies

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Monarch Butterflies

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Jul 2017, 09:45

later version:

Monarch Butterflies

 
   Each year love sometimes seems
   as remote as a Mexican forest.
        
   Much like these Monarchs,
   having set off from Canada into the air

   like swimmers into restless seas,
   we too have relied

   on only will and stamina
   for the chance to rest side by side

   again without rancor, our hands
   gently touching each other

   like Monarchs
  

first version:

Monarch Butterflies

 
   Each year love sometimes seems
   as remote as any oyamel forest.
        
   Much like these legendary lovers,
   having set off from Canada into the air

   like swimmers into choppy seas,
   we too have fought turbulence

   with nothing but will and stamina
   for the chance to rest side by side

   again without rancor, our hands
   gently touching each other

   like Monarchs
  

  

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Monarch Butterflies

#2 Post by Billy » 27 Jul 2017, 01:40

Just my thoughts, take or leave, nice little poem:


Monarch Butterflies


Each year love seems as remote
as any oyamel forest.

These legendary lovers
set off from Canada into the air

like swimmers into choppy seas.
We, too, have fought turbulence

with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side

again, without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other

like Monarchs.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Monarch Butterflies

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 27 Jul 2017, 05:41

careful, you don't want to sound like the Channel 5 weather reporter:

choppy seas.......turbulence.....

and i would kick the myth talk...no oyamel forest.....


save the spotlight.....entirely for the lovers, their fragility and beauty suggested by the butterflies.

Each year love.....

like swimmers into (a new image to replace choppy?) choppy seas.


a swimming sea,
glorious rolling seas

brimming
simmering
rolling

with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side

without rancor, our hands
...touching like Monarch wings......



like the butterfly image... tricky, of course, but lovely.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Monarch Butterflies

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Jul 2017, 07:58

Thanks, Bernie....I'll see about simplifying things....best

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Monarch Butterflies

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Jul 2017, 15:47

I like this Bob.

you've had some good crits.

Monarch Butterflies (cut butterfly, too much of a clue?)

Each year love sometimes seems
as remote as any oyamel forest. [maybe: as far off as the sacred firs]

Much like these legendary lovers, [are they legendary, another word perhaps, pollinating lovers]
having set off from Canada into the air [Southern Canada maybe?]

like swimmers into choppy seas, [B. is right, maybe ride the current airs]
we too have fought turbulence [we too have fought against the stream/wind]

with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side

again without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other

like Monarchs [like Milkweed butterflies?]

I think two Monarch is one too much,
let the reader do his research,
suggest you cut title down to just: Monarchs

I do like the metaphor of lovers and Monarchs
I saw a film/documentary on them, so fascinating,
setting out to from Mexico do procreate, resting
in batches of 250 million in great trees through
winter, awesome primeval forests filled with
the tenderest of creatures and yet they have
survived down through the ages, like lovers
resting in each other's scent.

Best with this Bob, I am thinking IBPC.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Monarch Butterflies

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jul 2017, 03:24

Thanks, Frankly and Bernie....your suggestions have encouraged a simpler approach.

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