later version:
Monarch Butterflies
Each year love sometimes seems
as remote as a Mexican forest.
Much like these Monarchs,
having set off from Canada into the air
like swimmers into restless seas,
we too have relied
on only will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
again without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other
like Monarchs
first version:
Monarch Butterflies
Each year love sometimes seems
as remote as any oyamel forest.
Much like these legendary lovers,
having set off from Canada into the air
like swimmers into choppy seas,
we too have fought turbulence
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
again without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other
like Monarchs
Monarch Butterflies
Re: Monarch Butterflies
Just my thoughts, take or leave, nice little poem:
Monarch Butterflies
Each year love seems as remote
as any oyamel forest.
These legendary lovers
set off from Canada into the air
like swimmers into choppy seas.
We, too, have fought turbulence
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
again, without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other
like Monarchs.
Monarch Butterflies
Each year love seems as remote
as any oyamel forest.
These legendary lovers
set off from Canada into the air
like swimmers into choppy seas.
We, too, have fought turbulence
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
again, without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other
like Monarchs.
Re: Monarch Butterflies
careful, you don't want to sound like the Channel 5 weather reporter:
choppy seas.......turbulence.....
and i would kick the myth talk...no oyamel forest.....
save the spotlight.....entirely for the lovers, their fragility and beauty suggested by the butterflies.
Each year love.....
like swimmers into (a new image to replace choppy?) choppy seas.
a swimming sea,
glorious rolling seas
brimming
simmering
rolling
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
without rancor, our hands
...touching like Monarch wings......
like the butterfly image... tricky, of course, but lovely.
bernie
choppy seas.......turbulence.....
and i would kick the myth talk...no oyamel forest.....
save the spotlight.....entirely for the lovers, their fragility and beauty suggested by the butterflies.
Each year love.....
like swimmers into (a new image to replace choppy?) choppy seas.
a swimming sea,
glorious rolling seas
brimming
simmering
rolling
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
without rancor, our hands
...touching like Monarch wings......
like the butterfly image... tricky, of course, but lovely.
bernie
-
- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Monarch Butterflies
Thanks, Bernie....I'll see about simplifying things....best
-
- Posts: 1983
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Monarch Butterflies
I like this Bob.
you've had some good crits.
Monarch Butterflies (cut butterfly, too much of a clue?)
Each year love sometimes seems
as remote as any oyamel forest. [maybe: as far off as the sacred firs]
Much like these legendary lovers, [are they legendary, another word perhaps, pollinating lovers]
having set off from Canada into the air [Southern Canada maybe?]
like swimmers into choppy seas, [B. is right, maybe ride the current airs]
we too have fought turbulence [we too have fought against the stream/wind]
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
again without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other
like Monarchs [like Milkweed butterflies?]
I think two Monarch is one too much,
let the reader do his research,
suggest you cut title down to just: Monarchs
I do like the metaphor of lovers and Monarchs
I saw a film/documentary on them, so fascinating,
setting out to from Mexico do procreate, resting
in batches of 250 million in great trees through
winter, awesome primeval forests filled with
the tenderest of creatures and yet they have
survived down through the ages, like lovers
resting in each other's scent.
Best with this Bob, I am thinking IBPC.
you've had some good crits.
Monarch Butterflies (cut butterfly, too much of a clue?)
Each year love sometimes seems
as remote as any oyamel forest. [maybe: as far off as the sacred firs]
Much like these legendary lovers, [are they legendary, another word perhaps, pollinating lovers]
having set off from Canada into the air [Southern Canada maybe?]
like swimmers into choppy seas, [B. is right, maybe ride the current airs]
we too have fought turbulence [we too have fought against the stream/wind]
with nothing but will and stamina
for the chance to rest side by side
again without rancor, our hands
gently touching each other
like Monarchs [like Milkweed butterflies?]
I think two Monarch is one too much,
let the reader do his research,
suggest you cut title down to just: Monarchs
I do like the metaphor of lovers and Monarchs
I saw a film/documentary on them, so fascinating,
setting out to from Mexico do procreate, resting
in batches of 250 million in great trees through
winter, awesome primeval forests filled with
the tenderest of creatures and yet they have
survived down through the ages, like lovers
resting in each other's scent.
Best with this Bob, I am thinking IBPC.
-
- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Monarch Butterflies
Thanks, Frankly and Bernie....your suggestions have encouraged a simpler approach.