Jasmine Bird Into the Sea

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Jasmine Bird Into the Sea

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 07 Aug 2017, 06:57

Edit 1


July, 2017

The day's last swimmer. Coconut shoulders
in the green sea, the rogue sea lifted in blows
along the beach.

Now on a balcony with my daughter wading
a tide pool, Hawaiian brochures on my lap
and my wife a glistening pearl diver.

The ocean's high pitched slap, the sea's
cacophonous folds ring on the water top.

The heart become wilding sea.


July, 2010

My dollop of a beach house, collapsed flat
like the nose of a heavy weight boxer.

I'm alone all summer, no cash for dances.
A tristesse bonfire somewhere on the beach.

Seedless thunderheads roll fruitless above
my beach shack. Calling birds skip and fall
over the fragile tumult of thick waves.

I turn gold as a stevedore. I sputter,
a distance swimmer losing a race.





Original:


I

A woman from the calm venue of late dusk.
The day's last swimmer. Coconut shoulders
in the green sea, the rogue sea lifted in blows
along the beach.

Now on a balcony with my daughter wading
a tide pool, Hawaiian brochures on my lap
and my wife glimmering in sun, the ocean's
high pitched slap, the sea's cacophonous folds
like a bell on the water's ceremonial top,
I gasp, a marathon swimmer losing a race,
the heart become wilding sea.


II

My dollop of a beach house, collapsed flat
like the nose of a heavy weight boxer.

My chest smooth as stones found by pearl
fishers combing sea floor in rain.

I'm alone all summer, no cash for dances
and shrimp.

Seedless thunderheads roll fruitless above
my beach shack. Overhead birds circle
on wind, open mouthed for ambient beams
of salt rinsed water.

I turn gold as a stevedore.
An early cigarette, a late drink.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Jasmine Bird Into the Sea

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Aug 2017, 21:49

The poem has many fine images, but I think it needs a better transition between the first and second parts. Just some thoughts....I would take out the first stanza, and open with the second one. It's a lovely piece....only I would put the 2 lines about the marathon swimmer in a separate stanza...the woman glimmering in the sun, and the child wading a tidal pool seem to want their own space.

These 2 lines are a critical turn in the poem but maybe just a short bridge would help...like 'Since last summer's fight I have become a marathon swimmer losing...'.

I gasp, a marathon swimmer losing a race,
the heart become wilding sea. -- love 'wilding sea'...it also goes with the heavy weight image later

'My dollop of a beach house' is superb. But if the marathon swimmer immediately preceded it, the transition would be smoother....although I like the chest image, I would take it out....it isn't needed; the beach house collapsed flat like the nose of a heavyweight boxer tells us all we need.

I would put 'seedless thunderheads....' before 'I'm alone all summer...'.

Best, Bob

SivaVelliangiri
Posts: 140
Joined: 09 Jul 2017, 06:34

Re: Jasmine Bird Into the Sea

#3 Post by SivaVelliangiri » 09 Aug 2017, 22:10

B

Read the poem and Bob's comments.Need to read it a few more times.

S

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Jasmine Bird Into the Sea

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 10 Aug 2017, 00:39

Bob---

great help. i've pruned and shoved. hope the dates i now use help with the transition issue, we will see.

great help. much thanks you.



Siva---

i'm going over this several more times myself. thanks for the time.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Jasmine Bird Into the Sea

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Aug 2017, 07:36

Great. Much better...much smoother. I love your handling of the rough waves....

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