These Can Happen

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

These Can Happen

#1 Post by meenas17 » 10 Aug 2017, 08:48

Revision

The boat sails
the trawlers whistle
the wind warbles.

Delighted to return
with a bounteous capture
they make merry.

The fish squirm with anxiety
try to plunge into the ocean
eager to reunite.

Melancholic they linger
the canoe speeds ahead
juxtaposed by joy and sorrow.

Signs of storm in midsea,
the boat tosses and rocks
plummets into the waters.

The fish reach deep
search for the bretheren
breathe joy.

The men go down
into the expanse
pass into eternity.

A ship sails
in a distance.




Original

A storm in the mid sea
the boat tumbles.
Down go the fishermen
and their catch.

A silence,

Ripples in the water
the fish swim.
They join the brood
a joyous reunion.

A quietude.

A rogue wave
the men drown.
The ocean devours.
A sad departure.

A stillness.

A ship sails
in a distance.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: These Can Happen

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Aug 2017, 09:23

I love the dichotomy of this piece. Its brevity sets up the repition of the last line. I enjoyed this. Made me work a little. I'm a bit uncertain if brood works. Fish swim in schools

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: These Can Happen

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 10 Aug 2017, 12:24

Schooling and shoaling is a kind of collective animal behaviour
by fish. Any group of fish that stay together for social reasons
is said to be shoaling, and if the shoal is swimming
in the same direction together, it is schooling.

Nice poem.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: These Can Happen

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 10 Aug 2017, 19:17

M---


flat, desultory. find something more emotive, suggestive. where is human feeling?
More fishermen, less stuff---boat, fish. wave, ocean, ship---I see the practical relationship, what is the poetic, the emotional drama? you have at least two passing reviews. I'm just not the audience
for this poem.


this line had a feeling tone beyond a mere statement---

A ship sails
in a distance.


Buson: "A field of mustard, / no whale in sight, / the sea darkening."


Issa: "New Year's Day-- / everything is in blossom! / I feel about average."

Or:

"I'm going out, / flies, so relax, / make love."


Basho: The old pond-/a frog jumps in,/sound of water.

Basho: Autumn moonlight--/a worm digs silently/into the chestnut.

Basho: A monk sips morning tea,/it's quiet,/the chrysanthemum's flowering.


bernie

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: These Can Happen

#5 Post by meenas17 » 11 Aug 2017, 05:44

Thanks, Kenneth, for liking the poem.
The strong points of the poem are the brevity and the dichotomy.

Frank, nice to see you commenting on my poems beginning with the previous one, "Creation Sustains".

As for Bernie's I am unable to answer. He needs a poetic, emotional drama. I have to work hard.
Anyhow, I am happy that you read this poem and took time to comment.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: These Can Happen

#6 Post by meenas17 » 17 Aug 2017, 16:26

A revision is posted.
Waiting for Bernie's

Meena.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: These Can Happen

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 17 Aug 2017, 21:49

M---

yes, better. you might win my heart yet...LOL.


The boat sails
the trawlers whistle
the wind warbles.


i ask this of my own poms....color, sound, feel, taste, smell....the five senses. when logical and appropriate.

The iron bucket
sails home green,
smelling of fish.



Delighted to return
with a bounteous capture
they make merry.


The ancient crew
slap backs, happy
almost to port.


The fish squirm with anxiety
try to plunge into the ocean
eager to reunite.

The fishy eye freedom,
wait the right moment
to escape back to sea.



you see my view...just one of many, of course....what about you?




Melancholic they linger
the canoe speeds ahead
juxtaposed by joy and sorrow.

Signs of storm in midsea,
the boat tosses and rocks
plummets into the waters.

The fish reach deep
search for the bretheren
breathe joy.

The men go down
into the expanse
pass into eternity.

A ship sails
in a distance.



the last 14 lines rock...action and drama.

i still love that melancholy final image as the movie screen fades...


A ship sails
in a distance.




yes, now the poem has a symbol that lingers beyond a literal statement.


good improvement, i know how difficult editing can be.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: These Can Happen

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Aug 2017, 01:04

Well, the poem is completly different, maybe similar theme.

Bernie is an expert at critique, so we had better listen when he speaks.

The art of critique has to be developed by practice, one-liners are not critiques
in my opinion.

There should be 3 to 1 ratio of giving reviews and posting a poem
rarely achieved on any forum other than a legendary pal in Yuku.

New poets should put as much effort in critique as they do in writing a poem.

Giving of oneself is necessary to develop a forum.

Thanking a critiquer is mandatory, some ignore this gentlemanly act,
thanking is just good manners even if you don't agree.

I could go into great detail, I just don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

The last stanza is a gem, I like it very much and glad you kept it.

Try not to use dictionary words that you haven't heard in a film or play or book,
or in conversation, some of the words you choose are not ever used these days and make your poems
at times seem very odd.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: These Can Happen

#9 Post by meenas17 » 18 Aug 2017, 07:12

Thanks, Bernie.
Your critique is encouraging.
I will try to embellish it further.

Thanks, Frank.
I have learnt from your critique. i am grateful as always.
As for the ratio of 3 to 1, I admit, I fall short of it. I try to write but hold my pen back know not for what when commenting on other's poems. I will have to come out of this restrictions that I impose on myself.
Thanks for pointing this out, Frank.
I do not use the dictionary. Am I using the words which are not in use? Well, I have to check.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: These Can Happen

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Aug 2017, 14:58

Suggest for a title: Men go Down to the Sea in Boats

'These can Happen' is bad gramamr,
'This can Happen'
or 'These Events Could Happen'

The boat sails [does the boat sail with sails or chug with an engine?]
the trawlers whistle
[does the wind whistle through the sails,
does it whip the sea into foam that spreads over the decks]

the wind warbles. [where does it warble, thru the sheets, twanging the hawsers]

Delighted to return
with a bounteous capture

[a catch, the fish landed are called a catch, it's fine to use different words but capture
doesn't do the job for me. Bounteous is over the top, maybe something more
mundane, heavy catch.]
they make merry.
[who makes merry, the crew, the captain and his boy, say who makes merry,
how did they make merry, did they get drunk, rush to use women ,
or trot home to wives. we want to know, we want to engage with this
intersting cameo.]

The fish squirm with anxiety
[squirm is the least of it, struggle, thrash around maybe,
they look anxious, an undertatment.]
try to plunge into the ocean eager to reunite.
[eager is the least of it, desparate would fit the bill, a life and death struggle.
Anxious is understatment.]

Melancholic they linger [the fish linger? Because they may be already dead or dying]
[I would think they are more than meloncholy, comotose with fear more like if alive still.
Choose words that reflect the situation. People are anxious in a dentist's waiting room,
but in a terroist attack are frantic.]

the canoe speeds ahead [wow, where did the canoe come from, what canoe, whose canoe,
juxtaposed by joy and sorrow. [who is joyful and who is sorrowful, why are they, the fish? the fish are dead.]

Signs of storm in midsea, [midsea? in the distance]
the boat tosses and rocks [boats roll, pitch and yaw]
plummets into the waters.
[if the boat is sinking I would say plunges into the deep, I would like to know why though]

The fish reach deep
search for the bretheren
breathe joy.

The men go down
into the expanse
pass into eternity.

A ship sails
in a distance.
[best stanza, more description maybe]

The poem is sucinct, very good, big improvemnt but some details would
flesh out the poem, choice of words in important, read a nuatical dictionary
very useful. I think you could turn this around Meena, but think it through,
the canoe? the joyful fish? Fish die soon after landing, think what you wish to convey
carefully, it has to be logical.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: These Can Happen

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Aug 2017, 20:26

This is much better...an enjoyable feel to it.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: These Can Happen

#12 Post by Bernie01 » 19 Aug 2017, 21:53

M---

yes. much better and i hope you agree.

bernie

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: These Can Happen

#13 Post by meenas17 » 20 Aug 2017, 11:23

Thanks, Frank. It is a detailed critique.
I will turn this into a good poem.
Need time.

The revised poem reads better and is enjoyable to you. Thanks, Bob.

Sure, Bernie. it is much better.
Thanks to you.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: These Can Happen

#14 Post by Bernie01 » 26 Aug 2017, 02:22

dear poetry pal M----

this Forum can be a wonderful place to develop the craft, the artistry of a poet.

I think you are one of those brave enough to face the challenge and to take a place of distinction in the poetry community.

bernie

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: These Can Happen

#15 Post by meenas17 » 29 Aug 2017, 06:41

True, the forum helps me to develop my writing ability. I aspire to become known as a poet.
I know, I have to go miles before I achieve the position.
Waiting for that day of glory.
Thanks, Bernie.
meenas17

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