Lazarus (revised)

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Lazarus (revised)

#1 Post by Billy » 11 Aug 2017, 03:56


Lazarus


The house was small, few windows. The corners
dark and dusty like an old mausoleum. Someone
seemed to have just left each room as he entered,

a sweet, acrid odor lingering. Torn and crumpled
writing paper littered the floors. He unfolded
and smoothed a piece as if he had picked up

the wind to dust off. His name had been written
all over in various obscure styles: flourishes,
broad strokes, delicate script, stick letters,

some of them barely legible, a letter here
and there recognizable as part of his surname
or given name. When he examined others,

they, too, were filled with his name in the same way.
He searched them all until he found one
that only said "tomorrow" printed three times.

He burned it and gathered the others
to bury in the back yard, put to rest
in the name of the one whose house is empty.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Innermost

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 11 Aug 2017, 06:41

Billy---


I'm not following this narrative---


writing paper littered the floors. He unfolded
and smoothed a piece as if he had picked up

the wind to dust it off. His name had been written
all over it in varied obscure styles: flourishes,
broad strokes, delicate script, stick letters--

some of them barely legible, a letter here
or there recognizable as part of his surname
or given name. When he examined others,

they, too, were filled with his name in the same way.
He searched them all until he found one
that only said "tomorrow", printed three times.



the word it used two times in one sentence.

the wind to dust it off. His name had been written
all over it in varied obscure styles: flourishes,
broad strokes, delicate script, stick letters--



I like the idea that the narrator feels someone has just departed the room he enters.

The closing gives a suggestion that something is happening, but it is unfocused for me.


bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Innermost

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 11 Aug 2017, 20:47

Billy. This is simply too cryptic to decipher.

You may have the beginning of a future poem.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Lazarus (revised)

#4 Post by Billy » 20 Aug 2017, 22:55

New title to give more to the narrative and meaning.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Lazarus (revised)

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 21 Aug 2017, 15:57

Well the title does help
it is still a very highly interpretive piece though. The part that bogs me down is the
various forms of writing cited
I cant see that it adds anything other than contusion.

I'm liking it more, but suggest a judicious pruning for the sake of clarity.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Lazarus (revised)

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 21 Aug 2017, 15:58

Well the title does help
it is still a very highly interpretive piece though. The part that bogs me down is the
various forms of writing cited
I cant see that it adds anything other than contusion.

I'm liking it more, but suggest a judicious pruning for the sake of clarity.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Lazarus (revised)

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Aug 2017, 02:52

Billy---

OK. I follow the action within the poem....very good.

however, your meaning with the Lazarus angle still eludes me.

i like the narrators name written repeatedly on scraps of paper. and the word "tomorrow" grips me.

the poem uses it three times, necessary?


bernie

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Billy
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Lazarus (revised)

#8 Post by Billy » 24 Aug 2017, 06:21

I really don't want to explain the whole poem. I'm taking a different slant on being raised from the dead. It not being such a great thing to have died and then brought back. Three times is a biblical reference. The last line is referring to Lazarus, not the actual house.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Lazarus (revised)

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Aug 2017, 16:17

Good revision Billy.

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