Those Fools, My Feet

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Those Fools, My Feet

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Aug 2017, 22:09

revised version:

Those Fools, My Feet


Don't blame me.  My feet
instinctively trail after you.

What can I do?  They pursue you
ignoring my pleas

to forget you. 
Worn out, my feet languish
 
at the day's end in a steamy basin
like invalids in a hot spring's

healing waters.
Despite the day's distances

they arrive as always
at the same place where they

began, without a future,
no more loved than if

they were big, barking
dogs.


first version:


Those Fools, My Feet


    Don't blame me.  My feet
    instinctively trail after you

    --clumsily, the way loneliness
    follows heartbreak.   

    Yet how you shun them, 
    as if they were merely 

    pedestrian. 
    How could any woman love
 
    such sweaty, pale faces?
    Do you look at me the same way?

    What can I do?  My feet pursue you
    ignoring my pleas

    to forget you.  When did women
    stop wanting loyalty? 

    Worn out, my feet languish
    at the day's end in a steamy basin

    like invalids in a hot spring's
    healing waters.

    Despite the day's distances
    they arrive as always

    at the same place where they
    began, without a future,

    no more loved than if
    they were big, barking
    dogs.


note: This is an old poem that I'm revising...

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Those Fools, My Feet

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 14 Aug 2017, 23:14

Bob--

closing 15 lines are wonderful....

now, the opening.


i get the extended metaphor, the feet almost as a force of their own.

the opening 2 lines, set our parameters. no need for more, it feels like overkill to me;


--clumsily, the way loneliness
follows heartbreak.

Yet how you shun them,
as if they were merely

telly, too. yes/no?

i wonder, can we break the lock step format?


have the feet side by side with her feet. a gap of light under a sill as she sleeps and he remains awake, restless as a goose, the light no more than a failed but good intention of God...


i might rejoin the poem here:


What can I do? My feet pursue you
ignoring my pleas

to forget you. When did women
stop wanting loyalty?

Worn out, my feet languish
at the day's end in a steamy basin

like invalids in a hot spring's
healing waters.


however, consider dropping the feet persona in favor of the narrator, flesh and blood.

What can I do,
flapping in the heavens,

when did women
stop wanting men like me.

I pad to the steamy bath,
naked and utterly alone.

I am an invalid in a film
about healing waters.


hey wish i had some ole poem around so good as this one.



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Those Fools, My Feet

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Aug 2017, 09:26

Thanks, Bernie....I agree--cutting those lines would improve things. You have been a fresh set of eyes, and a big help. Best, Bob

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