Rust Red

[FranktheFrank]

After the war, when the minefields
were cleared, when the barbed wire
had been rolled up from the beaches,
our mothers packed lunches
of strawberry jam and tomato
sandwiches in grease-proof paper
and the war time ration: a small bottle
of orange juice, laid carefully in our boxes.

We small children follow the older girls,
in their blue and white flowered frocks,
in crocodiles up the sheep paths
to the top of the wind cast dunes
under Mynydd Dinas - city on a hill

and crest the headland to look
down at the American destroyer
washed up on a lee shore,
rust red and forlorn;
a deckplate peeled off,
spars pointing to the clouds
bent like whalebone ribs.

We bathe in the warm salt
breakers, as the larks
call from the brine
washed meadows,
in swathes of sparkling effervescence.

[Kenneth2816]

Frank. Love it. We Americans never had to contend with the aftermath of war in our homeland.

The only tiny crit I could possibly have is the religion of "we." I don't see how to avoid it.
Nice Job with strawberry jam and tomatoes re: the title.

Last line is best, imho.

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Kenneth, funny how we miss things like 'we',
have altered and hope the 'and's' are not too much
the sentences do run on though.

[Kenneth2816]

Like I say, it's minor.

[Bernie01]

Frank---

wonderful sweep and energy here. nostalgia, but fresh and immediate. i taste those sandwiches...
sip the tepid, government allocated orange juice.

of strawberry jam and tomato
sandwiches in grease-proof paper
with a jar of the government allowance
of four fluid ounces of orange juice.


with four ounces of tepid, rationed
orange juice.


the rest flows, and what an exciting and fluid close.
great poem. IBPC and i hope we get a second.



bernie

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi Frank,

the poem reads/sounds familiar - from an earlier day


re "We followed the older girls"

^^ this reader ask Who is "we"? - calling for an antecedent



consider this lineage:

and swam in the warm
salt breakers as the larks
called to us from green meadows


^^ yiels that warm line - and swam in the warm

and also eliminates that weak enjamb on "the"

called us from the
green meadows

^^ "the" isn't even needed:

called to us from green meadows

^^ the longer line length is relaxing - and the cadence echoes the scenario

^^ I also like that passage for its subtle allusion to the calling sirens - except here they are benevolent


I also liked: "rust red and forlorn" - a concrete conjuncted w/ an abstract


And I experienced the meandering - but masterly modulated - 4 stanzas which composed about 3/4s of the poem.

^^ Edgar Allan Poe would be proud of that periodic sentence.





Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[FranktheFrank]

Bernie,
Thanks ration is the word, will ponder on 'government's' I need to distiguish netween goverment or any other meaness in that ration
it was considered the minimum to keep us healthy.

Michael,
I am honourd at the work you put into this critique, all good stuff.
Yes I put it in last December.
This is a revision.

I have taken up both Bernie's and your suggestions in part, marked the changes in bold.

[Michael (MV)]

  
Frank,


workshop consider - we younger children followed the older girls,



And I had meant to ask:

do you mean jar as in glass jar? or was it in a carton - but then the type of vessel isn't essential to the poem

"ration," however, is - a wise revision


here is my workshop share - "ration" implies "government," so the latter isn't needed


sandwiches in grease-proof paper
along with the rationed
four fluid ounces of orange juice.





Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 

[FranktheFrank]

Jar is a glass container, like jam jar, but I like your suggestion. Thank you.

[Billy]

Yeah, I've seen this before a while back, wasn't it sent to IBPC back then, have you revised it. I like the ending and I think it's different from your original.

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Bill

Was nominated twice

never went off though

It is a revision.

The Water Carrier went through last December, didn't win though.

[BobBradshaw]

Beautiful version here, Frank. I would cut the last stanza...the preceding stanza would be a lovely finish.

One question: what is the 'crocodile' reference to?

Again, cut the last stanza and you have a beautiful, nostalgic and ironic poem....best

[FranktheFrank]

Crocodile[s] would be single file or Indian file.
In British English it is considered a bit of a cliché
especially for poetry, but as you are all American.

Thanks Bob, I have been thinking exactly that, drop the last stanza,
you have just confirmed my intention.

best . . .

[Bernie01]

Frank---

this an excellent site---and close to you in Europe.

http://www.manifold.group.shef.ac.uk/is ... sions.html




bernie

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Bernie
very kind of you.

[SivaVelliangiri]

Frank
Your title,'Rust Red' made me nostalgic for the Tamil poem ---

What is my mother
to yours? How is my father related
to yours? Although
you and I knew not each other in any way,
just as red earth and pouring rain:
the love-filled hearts merged.
(Kuruntokai - 40)

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Siva

You are writing very well lately
and I have always enjoyed yours and now Meena's poetry.

Best

[FranktheFrank]

I have made a small revision to this based on your
marvellous replies, thank you all.

[BobBradshaw]

This is such a lovely poem. I'm still not sold on the 'dance' idea...maybe it's my bias against 'dance' in songs and poems...it isn't a fresh image anymore ....just too overused...however, 'effervescence' does improve the ending. I love the more lyrical ending of

as the larks
called to us from brine
washed meadows

It doesn't oversell the poem as the 'dance' image does....I'm focusing too much on the ending though....it's a lovely poem, its contrasts working beautifully throughout....certainly worthy of an IBPC nom imho

[FranktheFrank]

Yes, some good points there Bob, thank you

I am not sensitive enough to cutting over-sentimentality.

[FranktheFrank]

I'm bumping up this final version
in the hope it will be considered
in October.

[Bernie01]

bob nominated and i offered a second for IBPC.


bernie

[Kenneth2816]

I'll third but.....you're saying you're not going to write one better.

[Kenneth2816]

Frank. You've already outgrown IBPC. Yes we all thrive on accolades. In its day IPBC had 90 poems submitted each month.

Now it might be 24.

I think Bernie has suggested you send more work out. I concur.

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Ken
I sent it out to Rat's Ass Review today 1300 hours.