Dusk
A broken vase. Pieces swept into a corner.
The serous sunset. Having to sit down,
out of breath, his fingers feel for left carotid.
Pulse like a night light. A dog howls
in the distance as if pain can be released
and sleep come easy, settled in a warm
spot where others have laid down their lives.
The end as welcome as the beginning.
Dusk -revised
-
Kenneth2816
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Dusk -revised
Billy. Ominous poem. Having had by pass surgery, this sounds a lot like a stroke.
It doesn't matter either way.
Love "settled in a warm spot where others have laid down their lives."
I get how tired the narrator is, how easy to slip away.
Well done, but dark.
It doesn't matter either way.
Love "settled in a warm spot where others have laid down their lives."
I get how tired the narrator is, how easy to slip away.
Well done, but dark.
-
BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Dusk -revised
I agree...well done. The brevity of this poem helps the emotional impact. No crits. This is good!
Re: Dusk -revised
Billy---
extremely well done.
Dusk
A broken vase. Pieces swept into a corner.
I am free to imagine the narrator has fallen---and that he feels like a discarded, broken vase.
The serous sunset. Having to sit down,
serous...boy, i like that original modifier...and how it fits with the s sound of "sit down."
out of breath, his fingers feel for left carotid.
Pulse like a night light. A dog howls
in the distance as if pain can be released
and sleep come easy,
a ton of impact data here. yes, we focus on the heart. and what a striking image, Pulse like a night light references the darker side, the howling dog flows into this nicely...and i like the added---that howling dog---in the distance---great additional detail.
now, i pause here---i never like being told things:
as if pain can be released
and sleep come easy
sure helps the reader understand the poem....but do i feel any deeper---experience more? is there an image of the quality of our opening?
pain opening and closing.
white uniforms sweep up
the broken vase.
settled in a warm
spot where others have laid down their lives.
The end as welcome as the beginning.
now here, the phrasing---if telly---is original and interesting---I am comfortable---my feeling is deepened.
wonderful poem.
great job.
bernie
extremely well done.
Dusk
A broken vase. Pieces swept into a corner.
I am free to imagine the narrator has fallen---and that he feels like a discarded, broken vase.
The serous sunset. Having to sit down,
serous...boy, i like that original modifier...and how it fits with the s sound of "sit down."
out of breath, his fingers feel for left carotid.
Pulse like a night light. A dog howls
in the distance as if pain can be released
and sleep come easy,
a ton of impact data here. yes, we focus on the heart. and what a striking image, Pulse like a night light references the darker side, the howling dog flows into this nicely...and i like the added---that howling dog---in the distance---great additional detail.
now, i pause here---i never like being told things:
as if pain can be released
and sleep come easy
sure helps the reader understand the poem....but do i feel any deeper---experience more? is there an image of the quality of our opening?
pain opening and closing.
white uniforms sweep up
the broken vase.
settled in a warm
spot where others have laid down their lives.
The end as welcome as the beginning.
now here, the phrasing---if telly---is original and interesting---I am comfortable---my feeling is deepened.
wonderful poem.
great job.
bernie
Re: Dusk -revised
Hi,
The short lines provoke startling thoughts in this reader.
Somebody has fallen and knocked over a vase. As is customary, N attempts to collect the pieces, but the fall appears to have been due to a physical event, maybe lack of oxigen to the brain due to that carotid artery in the neck.
The title, Dusk, is metaphorical, methinks. The future is uncertain, greyish but could get darker. Night arrives.
There's pain... a howling dog reflects it.
And so the end is welcome. N has reached, maybe, the end of the road.
We're allowed to imagine there's still hope, nonetheless.
I'm new here, just passed the registry process.
Exploring a little.
The short lines provoke startling thoughts in this reader.
Somebody has fallen and knocked over a vase. As is customary, N attempts to collect the pieces, but the fall appears to have been due to a physical event, maybe lack of oxigen to the brain due to that carotid artery in the neck.
The title, Dusk, is metaphorical, methinks. The future is uncertain, greyish but could get darker. Night arrives.
There's pain... a howling dog reflects it.
And so the end is welcome. N has reached, maybe, the end of the road.
We're allowed to imagine there's still hope, nonetheless.
I'm new here, just passed the registry process.
Exploring a little.
-
FranktheFrank
- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Dusk -revised
A poem that portends the coming of death.
Depressing, the dog howls as if his master is already in the grave.
These death poems of yours are not helping me Billy.
[Wow Gracy has graced us by joining,
welcome Gracy, so nice to see you here
hope you settle in and flourish. Why not bring Eira with you
it will be like old times]
Depressing, the dog howls as if his master is already in the grave.
These death poems of yours are not helping me Billy.
[Wow Gracy has graced us by joining,
welcome Gracy, so nice to see you here
hope you settle in and flourish. Why not bring Eira with you
it will be like old times
]Re: Dusk -revised
FranktheFrank wrote:A poem that portends the coming of death.
Depressing, the dog howls as if his master is already in the grave.
These death poems of yours are not helping me Billy.
[Wow Gracy has graced us by joining,
welcome Gracy, so nice to see you here
hope you settle in and flourish. Why not bring Eira with you
it will be like old times
Thank you for the kind welcome, Frank. I'm new here. I'll certainly let Eira know that I've joined. That said, she hasn't been posting anywhere for some time. So I must really e.mail her, as she does have some personal problems and she's been on my mind a lot.