It is in the evening
I am in my parlour
writing.
Two little sparrows
perch on my window
peep awhile and withdraw.
They tweet and sing
shrill and loud
go their voices.
The incessant chatter
lasts for a period.
I am distracted.
Setting the assignment aside
I listen to them in attention.
Melody diffuses. Shout overwhelms.
The angry bird accuses,
attacks while the docile,
unable to tolerate,strikes back.
It is a quarrel of no modest means.
I am inclined towards the docile
for reasons.
Annoyed, I push the chair.
It shreiks and tumbles
with a thump.
The frightened sparrows
soar with a flutter.
I remain indignant.
An Unusual Distraction
Re: An Unusual Distraction
M---
let me tell you why i think this is a good poem and one of your best i have seen here.
first, a clear, definite foundation---not just of the narrator---but a base for the reader.
It is in the evening
I am in my parlour
writing.
i can see it clearly, yet there is enough room for me to imagine details, sentiments in then room with the narrator---loneliness, scholarship, poetry, almost any emotion.
Second, an emerging drama for me to follow. drama unfolding in a costume i can see, imagine and understand.
Two little sparrows
perch on my window
peep awhile and withdraw.
no need, at that point to be more specific, the reader, this reader at least, is on board with the poem. on board with both feet. no confusion.
Third and fourth: movement---how wonderful---the movie i am watching closes the opening titles and now the full movie begins. plus, we learn of some tension---some drama:
They tweet and sing
shrill and loud
go their voices.
The incessant chatter
lasts for a period.
I am distracted.
next, the reaction of the narrator to the action----it helps the reader stay focused where the poet wishes our attention to be placed.
Setting the assignment aside
I listen to them in attention.
Melody diffuses. Shout overwhelms.
then, our movie becomes an action drama, fast and furious action, but not so fast as to be confusing or unrealistic.
The angry bird accuses,
attacks while the docile,
unable to tolerate,strikes back.
It is a quarrel of no modest means.
I am inclined towards the docile
for reasons.
Annoyed, I push the chair.
It shreiks and tumbles
with a thump.
the narrator, who has been a clear but not overpowering presence in the poem, emerges full force:
The frightened sparrows
soar with a flutter.
I remain indignant.
the movie closes on this upbeat note, but then the narrator adds one final, but very important observation:
I remain indignant.
wonderful word choice there. indignant.
no self righteous exclamation about nature or the human drama---but a clearly personal observation.
just terrific. Palm d'Or from this reader.
bernie
As I Walked Out One Evening
W. H. Auden, 1907 - 1973
As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.
There is a balm in Gilead:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fcMxI_6xsk
Om Namah Shivaya
Krishna Das
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq-1bxJc7F0
let me tell you why i think this is a good poem and one of your best i have seen here.
first, a clear, definite foundation---not just of the narrator---but a base for the reader.
It is in the evening
I am in my parlour
writing.
i can see it clearly, yet there is enough room for me to imagine details, sentiments in then room with the narrator---loneliness, scholarship, poetry, almost any emotion.
Second, an emerging drama for me to follow. drama unfolding in a costume i can see, imagine and understand.
Two little sparrows
perch on my window
peep awhile and withdraw.
no need, at that point to be more specific, the reader, this reader at least, is on board with the poem. on board with both feet. no confusion.
Third and fourth: movement---how wonderful---the movie i am watching closes the opening titles and now the full movie begins. plus, we learn of some tension---some drama:
They tweet and sing
shrill and loud
go their voices.
The incessant chatter
lasts for a period.
I am distracted.
next, the reaction of the narrator to the action----it helps the reader stay focused where the poet wishes our attention to be placed.
Setting the assignment aside
I listen to them in attention.
Melody diffuses. Shout overwhelms.
then, our movie becomes an action drama, fast and furious action, but not so fast as to be confusing or unrealistic.
The angry bird accuses,
attacks while the docile,
unable to tolerate,strikes back.
It is a quarrel of no modest means.
I am inclined towards the docile
for reasons.
Annoyed, I push the chair.
It shreiks and tumbles
with a thump.
the narrator, who has been a clear but not overpowering presence in the poem, emerges full force:
The frightened sparrows
soar with a flutter.
I remain indignant.
the movie closes on this upbeat note, but then the narrator adds one final, but very important observation:
I remain indignant.
wonderful word choice there. indignant.
no self righteous exclamation about nature or the human drama---but a clearly personal observation.
just terrific. Palm d'Or from this reader.
bernie
As I Walked Out One Evening
W. H. Auden, 1907 - 1973
As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.
There is a balm in Gilead:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fcMxI_6xsk
Om Namah Shivaya
Krishna Das
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq-1bxJc7F0
-
BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2691
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: An Unusual Distraction
A very nice poem, indeed. I agree with Bernie...my only suggestion is that these 2 lines are flat, and a bit awkward...Work these lines out and submit the poem somewhere...best, Bob
I listen to them in attention.
Melody diffuses. Shout overwhelms.
I listen to them in attention.
Melody diffuses. Shout overwhelms.
Re: An Unusual Distraction
Bernie,
What a detailed analysis!. I enjoyed every word of it.
The sparrows aere actually perched on the window and interacting while I wrote this verse.
It is a real experience.
Thanks, Bernie. The links are beautiful reflections of life experiences.
Bob,
I will try to make the two lines interesting.
Do not know where to submit.
Thanks.
What a detailed analysis!. I enjoyed every word of it.
The sparrows aere actually perched on the window and interacting while I wrote this verse.
It is a real experience.
Thanks, Bernie. The links are beautiful reflections of life experiences.
Bob,
I will try to make the two lines interesting.
Do not know where to submit.
Thanks.
meenas17
-
Kenneth2816
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: An Unusual Distraction
I would axe "by no modest means" it's cliche. I'd submit "for reasons" without giving the reasons, is clumsy
IIts implied you're on the side of the docile one, we don't need to know precisely why.
I'd Submit this to Adirondack Review.
IIts implied you're on the side of the docile one, we don't need to know precisely why.
I'd Submit this to Adirondack Review.
Re: An Unusual Distraction
That is a worthy comment, Ken. Will consider your suggestions.
I will submit to Adrindack Review .
Thanks for the help.
I will submit to Adrindack Review .
Thanks for the help.
meenas17