Why I Sleep - revised

[BobBradshaw]

newest version:


Why I Sleep


I sleep to escape Sheri's nagging,
but I also sleep to find girls

who find my frog-like face
charming. Who don't mind

kissing me over and over,
as if each kiss held the promise

of a winning lottery ticket.
I sleep to escape the mistakes

I've made, the promises unkept.
I sleep to slip into a deep ellipsis….

after all, there is no one to correct
my grammar in sleep,

only the long verb of a snore
that lies down with me, unconcerned

whether or not I've counted
the night's sheep correctly.




2nd version:

Why I Sleep


 I sleep to escape Sheri's nagging,
 but I also sleep to find girls

 who find my frog-like face
 charming.   Who don't mind

 kissing me over and over,
 as if each kiss held the promise

 of a winning lottery ticket.  
 I sleep to escape the mistakes

 I've made, the promises unkept.
 I sleep to slip into a deep ellipsis….

 after all, there is no one to correct
 my grammar in sleep,

 only the long verb of a snore
 that lies down with me

 like a lover, her husband
out of town, unconcerned

 whether or not I've counted
 the night's sheep correctly.



first version:
Why I Sleep


            I sleep to escape Sheri's nagging,
            but I also sleep to find girls

            who find my frog-like face
            charming.   Who don't mind

            kissing me over and over,
            as if each kiss held the promise

            of a winning lottery ticket.  
            I sleep to escape the mistakes

            I've made, the promises unkept.
            I sleep to slip into a deep ellipsis….

            after all, there is no one to correct
            my grammar in sleep,

            only the long verb of a snore
            that lies down with me

            like a lab, a collie,  a mutt, unconcerned
            whether or not I've counted

            the night's sheep correctly
            or not. 

[Kenneth2816]

Spot on. I'd like to nominate this for IBPC

[Bernie01]

Bob---

very good here:

only the long verb of a snore
that lies down with me

there is no mention of counting until the end when it becomes important to the narrator:

unconcerned
whether or not I've counted

the night's sheep correctly
or not.


counting? as in sheep?

not crazy about the listing of dogs....

like a lab, a collie, a mutt,

what human source could comfort you in your quest for sleep?


be a Roman in the baths,
an African American
seeking a balm in Gilead.

many opportunities to image the peaceful drift to sleep.

dump the dogs.

a space flight?

a flickering radio news program?

rains in Africa

stock market tables

Sophomore engineering lesson


after all, there is no one to correct
my grammar in sleep,

only the long verb of a snore
that lies down with me

The balm of Gilead,
Romans in winding sheets
in senatorial baths.


don't settle for good. it's the kiss of oblivion....i want you to be memorable, even great.



bernie

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Kenneth -- I appreciate your nod. However, best to wait for more poems to pour in before making any decisions....There are so many good ones this month. I can think of five or six at least that are deserving....best, Bob

Bernie, what can I say? Thank you. I will get rid of the dogs and see...your comments are so helpful...Bob

[meenas17]

Well done! Bob.

Yes, the dog part is not so impressive. You can think of some other.
Other than that I cannot find any digressions.

[Kenneth2816]

Bob I can still nom something else.

[Bernie01]

Bob---

wonderful revision. a great ending kick and a memorable poem.



bernie

[BobBradshaw]

Kenneth, thx again...If I end up getting your nom, that's great....but if not, that's understandable too with so many good poems this month(including yours)

[BobBradshaw]

Bernie, thanks once more....for your support and help.

[Kenneth2816]

Bob, I'm sorry I was unclear. I'm nominating this for IBPC. I meant I can nominate more than one, and probably will.

[FranktheFrank]

Ken
We are a bit vague on the process of nominating,
maybe best if you put the nom in the Palaver thread.

[Kenneth2816]

O.K.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi Bob,


"whether or not I've counted
 the night's sheep correctly
 or not. "

^^ that "or not" not needed


whether or not I've counted
 the night's sheep correctly.

^^ might then consider:

whether or not I've counted
 the night's sheep correctly
 or turned off the light


I like the verbal metaphor


and early on:

"but I also sleep to find girls

 who find my frog-like face
 charming."




Michael (MV)

new version:


Why I Sleep


 I sleep to escape Sheri's nagging,
 but I also sleep to find girls

 who find my frog-like face
 charming.   Who don't mind

 kissing me over and over,
 as if each kiss held the promise

 of a winning lottery ticket.  
 I sleep to escape the mistakes

 I've made, the promises unkept.
 I sleep to slip into a deep ellipsis….

 after all, there is no one to correct
 my grammar in sleep,

 only the long verb of a snore
 that lies down with me

 like a lover, her husband
out of town, unconcerned

 whether or not I've counted
 the night's sheep correctly
 or not. 



first version:
Why I Sleep


            I sleep to escape Sheri's nagging,
            but I also sleep to find girls

            who find my frog-like face
            charming.   Who don't mind

            kissing me over and over,
            as if each kiss held the promise

            of a winning lottery ticket.  
            I sleep to escape the mistakes

            I've made, the promises unkept.
            I sleep to slip into a deep ellipsis….

            after all, there is no one to correct
            my grammar in sleep,

            only the long verb of a snore
            that lies down with me

            like a lab, a collie,  a mutt, unconcerned
            whether or not I've counted

            the night's sheep correctly
            or not. 

 
 
 
 
 
 

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Michael. I'll take out the 'or not'....best

[Gracy321]

I've arrived a bit late here. The finished version is splendid. No nits from me.
And I had a good laugh!
I suppose your poem has already been sent off to IBPC, but just in case, I also want to nominate it.
Best, Gracy

[Kenneth2816]

Nom this for October

[LindaLinda]

Hello, I'm the new kid on the block, I hope to learn from all the talent and experience I see here,
I enjoyed this read, it is very relatable in that we all sleep for different reasons and you have captured many of them.
I see you have many reply's, this last revision looks like the finished product.
the only thing i would offer is in the 8th couplet I would drop" out of town" so it would read,

like a lover unconcerned
whether or not I've counted
the correct number of sheep.

Her being a" lover" kind of gives the reader that impression. Just something to consider

[Bernie01]

i like linda's comment....

i now realize i'd cut those two lines.


like a lover, her husband
out of town, unconcerned

bernie

[Billy]

Good poem, I think all has already been said and you've revised it well.

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Linda....I like your suggestions, too. Best, Bob

[Kenneth2816]

Nom for Oct IBPC

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Kenneth....from you, such a good poet, that's a great compliment

Sanpiseth40....to your question about revision...The short answer is that in revising I look to provide improved clarity, better music and more emotional impact. Any changes, ie. trimming, additions, etc. are meant to provide one or more of those 3 goals....thanks for asking...best, Bob

[Bernie01]

i think this latest version nails it. now sleep the rest of the just...

bernie