Dust Storm (revision 2 and couple more tweaks)

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Gracy321
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Dust Storm (revision 2 and couple more tweaks)

#1 Post by Gracy321 » 19 Sep 2017, 10:14

Revision 2

Dust Storm

My man is pitched through the door
by blasts from the steppes.
Out there, scrub and cactus land,
Mother Earth’s womb has been ripped open,
birthing grit, sorrow and death.
Noonday sun has relinquished power.
Gloom is ushered in by a maelstrom of dust.
Tumbleweed scratches windows,
like spidery skeletons at the gale's mercy.

Over in our orchard,
shrouded trees lean on shed and ploughs.
Mother Earth is thirsty, ochre,
an old hag, her countenance
tense as the skin of a kultrún. *
She’s an earthen pyre,
her loins raped by forces
devouring her rich layer of fertility.
But the hag’s eyes are tearless,
they’ve not rained a drop in eons;
her skin is cracked and in the cracks
lie the dead, the dying... all hope.

My man’s face is seared with dust,
eyelids heavy with gray desperation.
Sweat has succumbed to an earthy mask,
dry runnels on his cheeks.
Nobody gains over December’s wind.
He drops his clothes in a sad heap,
flings open his arms to my cool body,
presses me to his heart.

Tomorrow, in uncanny silence,
a sickle moon will scythe Patagonian skies,
overlooking centennial shadows
cast in stone, sword and catastrophe.

* Kultrún = Concave drum with ritual mandala. Used by Mapuche, i.e., Earth People. Indigenous communities in Argentine Patagonia, who make musical instruments from natural sources.

Original

Dust Storm

The man is pitched through the door
by blasts from the steppes.
Out there, scrub and cactus land,
Earth’s womb has been ripped open,
birthing grit, sorrow and death.
Noonday sun has relinquished power
over all things and all beings.
Gloom ushered in by a maelstrom of dust.
Tumbleweed scratches at windows,
like spidery skeletons seeking shelter
from the teeth of the wind.

Over in the orchard, clothed in pale shrouds,
gashed trees lean on shed and plough.
Earth’s face is thirsty, ochre,
prematurely wrinkled and dry,
an old hag, her yellow innards
tense as the skin of a kultrún. *
Trampled on for centuries
by cloven hooves of alien herds,
she’s powder, an earthen pyre,
her genitals raped by forces
devouring her rich layer of fertility.
But the hag’s eyes are tearless,
they’ve not rained a drop in eons,
her tired skin is cracked and in the cracks
lie the dead, lie the dying... lies all hope.

The man’s face is seared with dust,
eyelids heavy with gray desperation.
Sweat has succumbed to an earthy mask,
dry runnels on his cheeks,
the scarred hole of a mouth.
No man ever gained over December’s wind.
He’ll drop his clothes to the floor in a sad heap,
fling open his arms to my cool body,
press me tight to his heart.

Tomorrow, in silence uncanny,
a sickle moon will knife Patagonian skies,
overlooking centennial shadows
cast in stone, sword and catastrophe.

* Kultrún = Concave drum with painted mandala. Used by Mapuche, i.e., Earth People. Indigenous people dwelling in Argentine Patagonia, who make musical instruments from natural sources. The cloven hooves belong to sheep introduced by European settlers. The autoctonous guanaco has padded soles that don't harm the terrain. Etc.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Dust Storm

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Sep 2017, 10:57

Gracy, let me start by saying Welcome to Writer's Block workshop
it is so nice to see you, and well done with your two successive H.M.'s,
you fully deserved them.

It seems a like a love story, the ending suggests this. You detail the dryness of the country very well,
maybe too well, maybe over the top well.

Take everything I write with a pinch of salt, if you don;'t like it please discard and stick to your guns.
I remember giving a very detailed and frank critique on a flowery poem and dang me it went on to win
the IBPC the following month.

The man is pitched through the door [start with 'Pitched through the door']
by blasts from the steppes. [we guess it is the wind, could you insert 'by the wind']
Out there, scrub and cactus land, [from the steppe of scrub and cactus]
Earth’s womb has been ripped open,
[my own feeling is you could drop these two overly poetic lines, they don't add too much to the story]
birthing grit, sorrow and death.
Noonday sun has relinquished power
[leaving out the indefinite articles and prepositions make the poem a bit jumpy
why not: A noonday sun has relinquished its power.]
over all things and all beings. [Don't need this line]
Gloom ushered in by a maelstrom of dust. [MY own choice would be simpler language - The gloom darkens as the storm increases.]
Tumbleweed scratches at windows, [try: tumbleweeds scratch at the window, (Q. do native people have glass?)]
like spidery skeletons seeking shelter [leave out]
from the teeth of the wind.[leave out]


best wishes with this ambitious poem.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Dust Storm

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Sep 2017, 13:28

Hi Gracy:

My *opinion*: There are some tremendous lines in this piece. It could nbe Australia or the great American dust bowl from grapes of wrath. Very descriptive lines of what it's like.

I believe too much Ihas been invested in setting up the conditions and not enough about the specific region.

All tumble weeds scratch the same way whether in Texas or Patagonia.

This isn't to say those lines aren't clever, but I don't think they advance the poem.

The heart of this piece for me is the rape of the land and it's people and the stoicism of the two characters in the poem.

"He'll drop his clothes in a sad heap in the floor.....

The first flickerof hope, light, and humanity in this otherwise foreign and desolate landscape..would wish for more info on these two, their blood tie to the region.

It's a passionately written piece. I love love the reference to the earth as a dry eyed hag.

A bit more history perhaps and less about the climatology.

Best,

Ken

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm

#4 Post by Gracy321 » 21 Sep 2017, 10:55

Hi Frank,
Thank you for your kind welcome to Writer's Block workshop. And for having noticed my two HM's!
I've read your suggestions thoroughly and will certainly use some of them when I revise and/or tweak. All ideas, questions, etc., are welcome, though I confess that I'm a bit lazy about revisions. Still, I'll be a good gal and do my homework.
As your critique is in depth, I'll return to re-read asap. Must be off to bed now! Feeling dim.
Best, Gracy

Gracy321
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Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
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Re: Dust Storm

#5 Post by Gracy321 » 21 Sep 2017, 11:14

Hi Ken,
Thank you as well for your comments. The characters in my poem are colonists from Europe, trying to adapt to conditions living in Argentine Patagonia. Serious conditions mainly due to the introduction of sheep and goats in huge numbers. The cloven hooves damage the land, and these herds nibble the sparse vegetation down to the roots. They also need lots of water, which is not lacking at all, but the animals tend to stay in areas near the lakes, where the vegetation is more lush.
The first colonists allowed their herds to roam free over vast expanses of land.
The autoctonous guanacos are Camelidae, with padded feet. They cause no devastation and can go for long stretches without water, same as camels. The native indigenous dwellers were nomads, they crossed the Andes and traded on either side of these mountains. There are signs of their existence about 2.000 years BCE.
I'll return and answer other questions and/or suggestions asap. Bedtime!
Best, Gracy

Gracy321
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Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#6 Post by Gracy321 » 26 Sep 2017, 10:03

Thank you all for your suggestions. I've removed some lines and changed words, picked from all you've offered.
Then, of course, I did my own tweaking, can't help it. I may return to re-arrange lines that appear too short now.
Best,
Gracy

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Sep 2017, 23:47

I can tell you care very much about this poem. Thank you for the annotation.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#8 Post by Bernie01 » 27 Sep 2017, 00:15

G---

i love your poem but now make a suggestion you will hate.

cut the verses dealing with the live stock.


Over in our orchard, shrouded,
gashed trees lean on shed and ploughs.
Mother Earth is thirsty, ochre,
prematurely wrinkled;
an old hag, her countenance
tense as the skin of a kultrún. *
Trampled on for centuries
by cloven hooves of alien herds,
she’s an earthen pyre,
her loins raped by forces
devouring her rich layer of fertility.
But the hag’s eyes are tearless,
they’ve not rained a drop in eons,
her tired skin is cracked and in the cracks
lie the dead, lie the dying... lies all hope.



i want to relish the savage intimacy of this line:

My man is pitched through the door
by blasts from the steppes
.

I almost want to tum away. I almost feel i am an intruder.


and here:

Nobody gains over December’s wind.
He drops his clothes in a sad heap,
flings open his arms to my cool body,
presses me tight to his heart.






My man is pitched through the door
by blasts from the steppes.
Out there, scrub and cactus land,
Over in our orchard, shrouded,
gashed trees lean on shed and ploughs.


Noonday sun has relinquished power.
Gloom is ushered in by a maelstrom of dust.
Tumbleweed scratches at windows,
like spidery skeletons at the gale's mercy.

My man’s face is seared with dust,
eyelids heavy with gray desperation.
Sweat has succumbed to an earthy mask,
dry runnels on his cheeks.
Nobody gains over December’s wind.
He drops his clothes in a sad heap,
flings open his arms to my cool body,
presses me tight to his heart.

Tomorrow, in silence uncanny,
a sickle moon will scythe Patagonian skies,
overlooking centennial shadows
cast in stone, sword and catastrophe.



focus. this is less about Patagonia---it is a great love story. the poem is very brave---no blushing, please. leave that to me.



bernie

Gracy321
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Location: Argentina
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#9 Post by Gracy321 » 27 Sep 2017, 00:36

Kenneth2816 wrote:I can tell you care very much about this poem. Thank you for the annotation.
Yes, I care about my poem, as well as this area where I was raised. At least my childhood. My Dad sent me to a small rural school about 5kms from home. We all walked or cycled to school. Horse riding is not common on small farms, although I finally did convince my Dad to get me a horse.

Dust storms were frequent in December (summer), despite the rows of poplar trees that protected our apple crops. We all pitched in to save the fallen apples if the wind happened to be in January, so that they could at least be made into cider.
The really bad dust storms are out on the steppes. For a time I lived on an estancia and that's where this particular catastrophe occurred.
Best,
Gracy

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Billy
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#10 Post by Billy » 27 Sep 2017, 01:20

Gracy, really have to say I like bernie's pared down version. I agree that what keeps me in this poem is the couple and their story. It is beautiful and actually says more about Patagonia than all the descriptions.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#11 Post by Kenneth2816 » 27 Sep 2017, 01:27

There may be two poems here

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#12 Post by Gracy321 » 27 Sep 2017, 04:01

Bernie01 wrote:G---

i love your poem but now make a suggestion you will hate.

cut the verses dealing with the live stock.


Over in our orchard, shrouded,
gashed trees lean on shed and ploughs.
Mother Earth is thirsty, ochre,
prematurely wrinkled;
an old hag, her countenance
tense as the skin of a kultrún. *
Trampled on for centuries
by cloven hooves of alien herds,
she’s an earthen pyre,
her loins raped by forces
devouring her rich layer of fertility.
But the hag’s eyes are tearless,
they’ve not rained a drop in eons,
her tired skin is cracked and in the cracks
lie the dead, lie the dying... lies all hope.



i want to relish the savage intimacy of this line:

My man is pitched through the door
by blasts from the steppes
.

I almost want to tum away. I almost feel i am an intruder.


and here:

Nobody gains over December’s wind.
He drops his clothes in a sad heap,
flings open his arms to my cool body,
presses me tight to his heart.






My man is pitched through the door
by blasts from the steppes.
Out there, scrub and cactus land,
Over in our orchard, shrouded,
gashed trees lean on shed and ploughs.


Noonday sun has relinquished power.
Gloom is ushered in by a maelstrom of dust.
Tumbleweed scratches at windows,
like spidery skeletons at the gale's mercy.

My man’s face is seared with dust,
eyelids heavy with gray desperation.
Sweat has succumbed to an earthy mask,
dry runnels on his cheeks.
Nobody gains over December’s wind.
He drops his clothes in a sad heap,
flings open his arms to my cool body,
presses me tight to his heart.

Tomorrow, in silence uncanny,
a sickle moon will scythe Patagonian skies,
overlooking centennial shadows
cast in stone, sword and catastrophe.



focus. this is less about Patagonia---it is a great love story. the poem is very brave---no blushing, please. leave that to me.



bernie
Hi Bernie,
Sorry I didn't answer you earlier, but I was being fetched by my daughter to go out shopping together.
I assure you that I don't hate any suggestions. So I'm glad you went ahead with yours. :D
My problem is that I care very much about this vast region. Patagonia could be an independent nation. That might even happen, seeing that both the descendants of colonists as well as the indigenous communities are very much against the open mining, hydro-electric and nuclear projects that are at present debated in Congress. There's no end to the greed of these giant enterprises. They leave devastation in their wake. Jobs for a few years, then nothing.
So I have a personal love affair with Mother Earth, or Pachamama as we often called her here.
Still, I might remove those lines, if that pleases you. No problem, as I keep various versions of all my poems and stories in my files. :lol:
I'm off to listen to the news.
Tx and best,
Gracy

Gracy321
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Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#13 Post by Gracy321 » 27 Sep 2017, 04:05

Billy wrote:Gracy, really have to say I like bernie's pared down version. I agree that what keeps me in this poem is the couple and their story. It is beautiful and actually says more about Patagonia than all the descriptions.
OK, I get the message, Billy. I'll continue to pare it down, not right now as I have to leave the PC for a while.
Tx a lot for your opinion,
best, Gracy

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#14 Post by Gracy321 » 27 Sep 2017, 04:10

Kenneth2816 wrote:There may be two poems here
Well, Ken, that might be true of a lot of my poems. I tend to make them long... my bad!

I'll take your comment into account... whew... Not going to work on that now, but I won't forget.

Tx a lot,
Gracy

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#15 Post by Gracy321 » 27 Sep 2017, 04:16

I must be doing something wrong when I use the quote option. For some reason my answer with quote appears as a new reply, which is not my intention. Makes for repetition, which is not my intent.
Any help on that?
Tx, Gracy

FranktheFrank
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#16 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Sep 2017, 08:04

You may be writing in a new box or post Gracy
that means a new post. If you want to add a quote to an existing message
then use the 'edit' function on the bottom of an existing post.

I am now adding a quote:
quotation as an example
I wrote 'quotation etc.' then dragged the cursor over the text
and then pressed the quote function on the top.

Hope that helps.

best wishes with your writing.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#17 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Sep 2017, 09:52

A lot of good descriptions in this poem, but I agree with Bernie. His suggestions about cutting are excellent...they will improve the poem. The poem can stand quite well by itself without that stanza.....good, strong writing....it's close!

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revised)

#18 Post by Gracy321 » 29 Sep 2017, 04:14

Thank you, Bob. I'll continue to revise.

Frank, thanks for your quoting instructions. I'll try them out, have to leave now.

Best, Gracy

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#19 Post by Gracy321 » 29 Sep 2017, 08:45

Hi everybody and thanks for all the help received.
I've now cut out the alien herds, cloven hooves, etc.

Tweaked something else, that I'd forgotten the first time round.

Any more paring down, anybody?

Best, Gracy

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#20 Post by Bernie01 » 01 Oct 2017, 21:29

G---

see if this lonely, hitchhiker of an idea can find a home.


Steinbeck is dealing in Grapes of Wrath with the great failure of the Oklahoma earth and the impact of greed on the farmers. what i learn, is to make it personal---no matter how important, true and significant the environmental issues---cloven hooves, strip mining, climate warming---the issues are best understood and felt when made personal through well developed characters.

Pearl Buck with The Good Earth---Steinbeck---and since you are a movie fan---the union movement we see through Marlon Brando's eyes in On the Water Front---the Bible---theory and then the specific stories and characters.


Steinbeck:

After early May, no more rain came to the red and gray country of Oklahoma. Soon the earth crusted and clouds of dust surrounded all moving objects. Midway through June, a few storm clouds teased the country but dropped very little rain. The wind became stronger and soon the dust hung in the air like fog. People were forced to tie handkerchiefs over their faces and wear goggles over their eyes.

When the wind stopped, the men and women came out to survey the damage to the fields. Everyone, even the children, was subdued. They were waiting for the reaction of the men, to see whether they would break. The men did not break, but began figuring how to deal with the ruined corn. The women resumed their housework and the children their play, for they knew as long as the men were okay, the family would be fine.

Analysis

Chapter 1 establishes the epic context and tone for the entire novel. This brief, but important, opening chapter provides a backdrop for the main events of the narrative, describing the event primarily responsible for spurring the great migration to California during the 1930s. The destructive force of the Dust Bowl is staggeringly described as a backward life cycle, a regression from fertile green to a dead and dusty brown. The deterioration of the land that forces the farmers to huddle and "figger" foreshadows the plight of the Joads: Forced off their land by a bank looking for profit, they will move west seeking a new livelihood. The beautifully apocalyptic description of the slow spread of decay throughout the Oklahoma country is strongly influenced by the King James Bible and sets the brooding and oppressive tone of the novel.

The opening chapter also introduces many of the themes that will be played out throughout the course of the novel. The suggestion of unity and human dignity in the huddled circle of men will be developed in the narrative. Likewise, the theme of survival, particularly survival in the face of environmental destruction, is implied by the refusal of the men to break. This theme, too, will be examined in detail in the narrative chapters.

Chapter 1 is the first of the so-called intercalary chapters, inserted between the narrative chapters, which are generalized accounts of the social, economic, and historical situations that shape the events of the novel. These chapters provide significant commentary on the narrative elements of the novel and establish that this story is not one of an isolated group of individuals. The Joads' troubles — dispossessed, stripped of dignity, and struggling to maintain familial unity — are not unique to their family, but representative of an entire population of migrating people. Throughout the novel, the broad events of these intercalary chapters will be brought into sharp, personalized focus by the specific plight of the Joad family.



G---i'm discussing with myself and you how to be an effective writer---not the efficacy of any single, expressed issue.

bernie

FranktheFrank
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Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#21 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Oct 2017, 21:52

Gracy
You have had some wonderful critiques, the last one from Bernie is a masterclass on action writing.
As soon as Steinbeck starts his passage one is wrapped in the language, even though prose, it is spellbinding.

It's better to start with action:
Pitched through the door by a blast of wind
from the steppes, my man . . .
Scrub and catcus (plural of Cactus is cacti or cactuses)
Our land ripped up, and so on

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#22 Post by Gracy321 » 04 Oct 2017, 09:00

Hi Bernie,
Many thanks for the extensive examples you've given me of famous, almost classic author's works.
I read Grapes of Wrath many years ago. Loved it. Also Pearl Buck's The Good Earth. And I certainly saw On the Waterfront, with such a young and handsome Marlon Brando... LOL. I recently saw it again, what with Netflix streaming and all that.
I couldn't possibly ever write like these authors, but it's interesting to be reminded of them. BTW, when I was peeking around Writer's Block some weeks ago, I believe I clicked on some links that lead me to some of your writings and/or lessons. Some of what you've posted here sounds familiar. Dunno. But tx a lot.
As you haven't actually given any specific critiques to my poem, I'll have another look at it.
Best, Gracy

Gracy321
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Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#23 Post by Gracy321 » 04 Oct 2017, 09:04

Hi Frank,
Thanks for returning and making suggestions.
I'm not sure whether putting the "blasts from the steppes" in reverse order would add more action to my poem, but I'll think about it.
I'm quite happy starting with "My man... etc.
Tx a lot,
Gracy

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#24 Post by Bernie01 » 04 Oct 2017, 21:51

G---

...As you haven't actually given any specific critiques to my poem


lordie, i suggested you remove 15 lines. did you possibly miss that? of course not.

you have chosen to ignore my heartfelt advice...LOL....well, you are a smart cookie and very able poet.

my advice, make it personal.

politics, geo-politics et. all swell but often such writing becomes mere polemic, less a poem.

you have word excesses here, over the top phrasing:


Mother The Earth is thirsty, ochre,
prematurely wrinkled;..........................i go about this far....

an old hag, her countenance
tense as the skin of a kultrún. *
She’s an earthen pyre,
her loins raped by forces
devouring her rich layer of fertility.


sincere, but almost silly at the worst end of the scale, maudlin at the higher end.

others i'm sure commented, i did not. i like your roaring romanticism, the great feeling you offer in your poem,


Over in our orchard,
shrouded trees lean on shed and ploughs.
Mother Earth is thirsty, ochre,
prematurely wrinkled;

....her tired skin is cracked and in the cracks
lie the dead, lie the dying... lies all hope.


the main character, "your man" can be shown walking the dusty fields...

plants bend with dust like old men bent with age,
under his trod the layer of dust cracks like ice.
Dust, dust, and no air to breath, men choke,
animals mew, low hopelessly in broken pens
or limp across shod grass dry as any sepulechur.


you get my drift. make it personal, give me taste, feel, texture and image...from that base, maybe, a reader can tolerate your sincere editorial, the polemic you most want the reader to absorb.



but i repeat. i enjoy and find pleasure in your vivid romanticism.

i'm not looking to convince you to change your poem, to write like me or anybody else, only to understand the POV of my shabby crit.


if settlers helped to ruin the ground, introduced cloven hoofed animals....let me see them for a line or two---

the men sweat through and half crazy
with work and loneliness on the long earth...
meaning no harm. My man, looking so much
like the open mining men,
the hydro-electric and nuclear projects men
battering Patagonia as he strives to protect her.

the animals eating the earth to desert,
meaning no harm.


bernie

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Dust Storm (revision 2)

#25 Post by capricorn » 05 Oct 2017, 03:00

Hi Gracy,

I've at last found some time to join you here tonight. I've read this a few times and like the changes made. You have some stunning imagery. Yes, you could trim back further, but that would not be your very individual style.

Although I do find this a bit repetitive.

her tired skin is cracked and in the cracks
lie the dead, lie the dying... lies all hope.


Perhaps just me. Lovely to read your work again.

Eira

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