The Unforgettable Days

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

The Unforgettable Days

#1 Post by meenas17 » 20 Sep 2017, 20:18

The reading glass
falls on the nose,
I adjust.

The swing screeches
needs oiling,
perhaps.

It is the morning sun,
mild, nice to bask
and read.

Encounter a difference.
A peculiar feel on the toes,
a nibbling.

Unmindful, I pursue,
An encore, find three
sparrows.

I drive them away.
They return. I go
into a reverie.

The days,
the youngest
on the lap,

the second born
clings with a grip,
whimpering,

the eldest is busy,
pulls the hair
with a vigour.

The sparrows have flown,

One goes to the farthest end,
the other settles in between, the third
chooses the nearest point.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Unforgettable Days

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Sep 2017, 21:47

M---

excellent, but the end is flat. Yes?

what to do, if anything?


the eldest is busy,
pulls the hair
with a vigour.

The sparrows have flown,

One goes to the farthest end,
the other settles in between, the third
chooses the nearest point.



The sparrows scatter.

I feel an unexpected
moment of abandonment.





The sparrows have flown,

One goes to the farthest end,
the other settles in between, the third
chooses the nearest point.



Refugees, homeless
and free.



you see what i'm suggesting.



Hindi pigeons:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AYNjn0Vi0s



Gertrude Stein---pigeons on the grass, alas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrR9i6q5UuY



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Unforgettable Days

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Sep 2017, 22:07

very, very nice...one of your best...I agree with Bernie...the finish can be jazzed up some

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Unforgettable Days

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Sep 2017, 10:29

Bernie is right the end is a little flat, but there
doesn't have to be a moral in every tale.

I would like to see you start thus:
S1
The barometer has changed
a brighter day, i adjust the dial.

I assume that's what you mean.

You have your own style and it is developing, but I like:
S2
The screech in the swing
needs oiling

S3
It is the morning sun,
[I would like to know why it is mild, it is because of the season, what season, spring or Autumn or even winter it does make a difference. The season tells us so much without having to go into so much detail. We want to know if you sit or lounge, why are you sitting, are you retired.
mild, nice to bask
and read.
So:
I sit in the gentle sun of spring time
bask and read, my work done
Raji brings me lemon tea
with a slice of lemon

I know you are focusing on the sparrows, but sometimes we yearn for more flesh on the bones.

But all that is my way, you have to choose, it has to be your way.

The ending
Fledgling ends: the birds separate, the male and the female still watch out for the fledged chick.

One goes to the farthest end, [furthest end of what, the world or the garden - we want to know]
the other settles in between, the third [how about settles on the pond or rhododendron - inbetween is very flat]
chooses the nearest point. [chooses the nearest point of what? [maybe: stays close hoping for crumbs]

Hope that helps Meena.
Keep going, getting better all the time.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Unforgettable Days

#5 Post by meenas17 » 21 Sep 2017, 21:01

The end has to be improved.
I will come with a jazzed up end in the revision.

Thanks, Bernie for the appreciation and the links.
Bob, I am happy you liked it.

Frank's help is of importance. I will incorporate his suggestions suitably.
Thanks, Frank for your sustained support.
meenas17

Post Reply