Complements to the Chef

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Complements to the Chef

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Sep 2017, 18:51

Revision


Our seventh date spills out,
a glorious New York dinner in a dimly
lit restaurant with signed Klee lithographs
and chairs big as racing boats.

A sip of Chassagne Montrachet 1er Cru.

A julienned apple appears, a fruit quarter
with a vinaigrette fade-in soft as fractured
winter light on a Vermont pond.

We share petite appetizers, sturgeon,
crème fraîche sauce, I’m told. White polenta,
fine as the minute hand of a watch.
Two scallops artfully scored on their surface
to resemble blooming flowers in a Saracen yard.

She orders crudos spoken to in arctic char,
tipped in enoki mushrooms, daikon sprouts
adding green luster to the bone China plate.

For me, tabs of langoustine tail calibered
with gin, skewered on a gold needle
wrapped in fluke the size of passport photos.

We glow, eyes many candle-powers strong.

A dish of soft, crispy-edged skate wing flavored
with pine-nut flour and saffron, unlike the skate
Bucatini she makes from scratch, so suggestive
as she cooks barefoot in Dior overalls.

We feel delirious.

A cab downtown to catch Bobby Short
at the Carlyle.

The bill, even now, only half-settled.







Original

Our seventh date spills out,
glorious New York dinner in a swank,
dimly lit restaurant with signed Klee
lithographs and chairs big as racing boats.

A sip of Chassagne Montrachet 1er Cru.

A julienned apple appears, you hold a fruit
quarter on your tongue, the fade-in
of balsamic vinaigrette, unrehearsed
like first light fractured on a Vermont pond.

We share thimble sized appetizers, a drop
of sturgeon, crème fraîche sauce, I’m told.
soupy burrata I could almost chew nestled
by white polenta, fine as the minute hand
of a watch and a matched pair of scallops
artfully scored on their surface to resemble
blooming flowers in a Saracen yard.[/i]

She orders, crudos spoken to in arctic char,
tipped in enoki mushrooms, daikon sprouts
adding green luster to the bone China plate.

For me, tabs of langoustine tail calibered
with gin, skewered on a gold needle
wrapped in fluke the size of passport photos.

We glow, eyes many candle-powers strong.

A dish of soft, crispy-edged skate wing flavored
with pine-nut flour and saffron, unlike the skate
Bucatini you make from scratch, so suggestive
when you cooked barefoot in your Dior overalls.

We feel delirious.

A black woman at the next table looks over,

“And moi? ain’t I a woman too?”

Ah, your face the Bay of Guinea,
your eyes the Sahel russet at dawn.
Your mouth a dropped ribbon on snow.


Still laughing, they join us for a cab
to catch Bobby Short, alive then
and a legend at the Carlyle.

The bill, even now, only half-settled.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Complements to the Chef

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Sep 2017, 20:20

Wow, there are so many superb descriptions here, it makes me think you have been both a painter and a chef. I'm going to be really picky and say we don't need so many marvelous foods described, although I find myself savoring each stanza, not only for the images but the sounds. The one line I find jolting is "And moi? ain't I a woman too?" The extra table feels unnecessary, the intimacy so focused before that glance over. I love the casual, offhand ending "The bill, even now, only half-settled". Great!

Any suggestions of cutting though feels like I'm asking a curator to remove a painting or two from a wall at the Museum of Modern Art. I feel foolish. It's a stunning poem...dazzling, lush. Still, I think it would be better with a bit of trimming...

Trim it, and let's get a nom for IBPC, unless you want to send it out. You and Frankly are on a roll this month...Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Complements to the Chef

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Sep 2017, 23:43

Bernie,

I've seen this one before, now a much more detailed account.
Reminds my of the plot in Babette's feast
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092603/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babette%27s_Feast

A love story in essence.

The description of this feast is outstanding, only a connoisseur
could write like this about food and wine.

I don't think you are going to be able to cut, you have invested too much in this
even if I do sympathise with the former critique.

Swank seems not to fit, you should choose a famous N.Y restaurant
that everybody know as the sit com used to say. Everyone knows my face,
just change a letter or two if you wish, but everybody will know.

As descriptive passages a masterclass, but what about the poem,
Bob says cut all poems in half, but he's a good judge, more so than I.
I think you had fun with this, real fun, you enjoyed.

I think the woman intrudes into the poem, even if true, I would definitely cut her out
so you don't have to be politically correct, she shouldn't have barged in anyway.

'Alive then' in the penultimate stanza is not needed. Put a date in the title (1986)
he was still active then, that will satisfy all critics.

How about for the punch:
The bill, still on my tab, [just] half settled.

You have four good poems in line for IBPC noms
it's just a question of which one you like best.

Frazier would love this poem, his bother Niles
even more so, his dad would shrug the way that
Marty does and grab a can of Ballantine.

Very well done.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Complements to the Chef

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 22 Sep 2017, 01:16

Guys---

though it is like removing a tattoo---i've cut about one-third.

this is just what i needed, the motivation you provide to go beyond my first edit---to get better even if it hurts.



thanks (I think)


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Complements to the Chef

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Sep 2017, 01:50

Bernie
W know how you feel, its like losing an old friend
but now a better version, I assure you.

best wishes

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Complements to the Chef

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Sep 2017, 09:24

The revision is much better. It keeps its focus. Making the woman more active in the poem helps immensely. The switching from she to you in the original diluted some of the impact. I love these lines:

with a vinaigrette fade-in soft as fractured
winter light on a Vermont pond.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Complements to the Chef

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 22 Sep 2017, 20:26

Frank---

right again. this pom, pure fun for me. so down with personal issues, i decided on fixing this pom that had been languishing. did the trick. slept almost eight hours, awoke refreshed and clear headed. Y, my girlfriend, says the edited version is much better. so all around, Frank, (and once again) you are on the money. thanks, ole poetry pal, thanks.


Bob---

i know we are discouraged from liking one of our children more than another, but the line you identify is ---yes, highly favored by moi.


thanks. and once again, thanks.


bernie

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