Telling My Father I Write Poetry

[Kenneth2816]

Nurses wash you with their hair
trailing over ribs and riggings;
the faint remnant of a tri- masted galleon
on custard colored skin.

In the liberation of '44 you sailed
the Champs Elysee with the swagger
of conquest, killed a man hand-to -hand.
The name of his unborn still clings.

Now you've pissed yourself again.

I work my way through soiled
linen on the floor, give your name
to the night clerk, fresh bed clothes
to orderlies.

None noticed I need two shots
and a beer just to be
the last of your sons to come.

[Bernie01]

Kenneth---

Good heavens, this is great.

no formulaic opening and then this shocking disclosure---

Now you've pissed yourself again.

told me right up front, no matter how god damn smart and well informed you think you are, you don't know shit.


now, my full attention. no longer feeling slightly superior and rehearsing critical barbs.


i'm still processing:

on custard colored skin.


these lines are very risky, but glad you accepted the challenge.

Nurses wash you with their hair
trailing over ribs and riggings;
the faint remnant of a tri- masted galleon


and that fresh bed clothes / to orderlies. is spoken like a man who has been there. I went to visit my daughter in San Francisco---thinking i would be gone two days. i've been gone now three years. i had an overnight bag, suddenly i'm hospitalized with only modest hope for a liver transplant...my three Vietnamese god children---in my life now for 30 years--appeared with fruit, flowers and packages of underwear. I'm wearing a specimen from that gift today, as i write this.


I work my way through soiled
linens on the floor, give your name
to the night clerk, fresh bed clothes
to orderlies.

oh, dear heavens. how real, how perfectly phrased.


and a killer, mass murder, texas chain saw sized killer---this close:


"...I needed two shots
and a beer just to be
the last of your sons to come.


the dialectic, the family intrigue---betrayal perhaps, neglect probably---i hope benign. boiling just under the surface, just off stage. this direct statement to the dying father---both apology and partial indictment, but to whom? the poem wisely leaves that to the reader for a final disposition of the court case.


bernie

[Kenneth2816]

Bernie, the truth is this is what came from Armistice. So you see, good critique is a motivator, even if its unflattering. I thank both you and Frank for that


I don't know if you're aware that during the post battle weeks, about 100 U.S. service men were convicted of rape and sentenced to death.

Because State Dept. objected to the guillotine still in use, the military flew in an executioner from TX who hung them all.

Would love to hear some poems about your Vietnamese children Bernie.

[BobBradshaw]

Just gorgeous, Kenneth. Bernie hit all the checklists....so I can only echo his kudos....a wonderful poem...it makes my morning....best, Bob

[Kenneth2816]

Bob, thank you. It means a lot. We all struggle, yes? Your support is so appreciated.

[FranktheFrank]

I totally get 'custard coloured skin'
my dad had that pallor late in life.

I don't think you need 'Liberation' L5
space after 'mother,' in L10

prefer soiled in L9 or gentler: 'another accident'.

'soiled linen 'not linens L11',
an uncountable noun, unless it's American grammar.

prefer in L14 'No one notices I need'

I find it too raw in places
you could say a lot more about France and war
but also about why you love him.
Sure you can't do that in a short poem
I feel the narrative demands it.

'women who were not my mother'
I think you need to say something
'the swagger of conquest' is great
but you need to extend that conquest
to the women and in my view that was not
a conquest as such, more grateful thanks
love in such abundance in gratitude they served
your father with the only thing they had to give
themselves. I don't think it was mean act but rather
total love in thankfulness. I feel you need to spend
time on that and not leave to our imagination.

[meenas17]

Bernie and Frank ,

My hats off to you both.
Both of you have a critical eye and an analyticak skill none in this forum can match.

To read the appreciation part is a pleasure, while the suggestions to trim and alter deliver a learning.
Great going!

[Kenneth2816]

Excellent crit and suggestions Frank, thank you do much. I agree with most. The whole
women/mother thing might not belong in this poem. Really good feedback from you on that.

Fathers and war is a topic proving to be beyond the limits of my ability.

I'm leaving "pussed yourself" because he would have appreciated it.

I can't elucidate much more about my feelings for him. At 64, I still struggle to know them myself.

I deeply appreciate your input.

I'll make the changes and consider
it the best I can do.

Raw is probably s good description actually.

[Kenneth2816]

meenas, I learned how to write better when I lost the fear of offering critique.

There is no way to give a bad one ad long as its honest. Suggest you do it more:)

[FranktheFrank]

A gracious response to a dry critique of mine.

[Kenneth2816]

Spot on Frank. First lesson of poetry forums is

You are not your poem:)