The Umbra

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

The Umbra

#1 Post by meenas17 » 23 Sep 2017, 09:57

The neem tree,
beside the bedroom,
ever agog in spirit,
appears desolate.

I spot he least
only the rustle
of the leaves
keep her going.

The sparrows have
disappeared. The empty
nests stare. The lizards
go up and down.

Walking back to the bed.
with a heavy heart, hear
a snap a break and a crash
with a thump.

It could be from within,
might from without.
I yearn for the company
of the sparrows.

I remain, how long?
Startled, I rise
The incessant chatter
reverberates.

Rhythmic amd mellifluous.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Umbra

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Sep 2017, 20:02

Meenas, like where this is going and that you're doing serial sparrowing.

Suggest another look at stanza 2.
I don't understand I spot he least.

Empty nests stare. There might be a better
way to convey the feeling you're going for
than using that line.

The rest of the poem comes together.

Is

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Umbra

#3 Post by meenas17 » 25 Sep 2017, 19:13

Sparrowing?

I am trying to do a series on sparrows.
Hope they are up to a level, readabilty and style.

I will look into the concerns expressed by you.
Thanks for the comments.
meenas17

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