Love's Game - V2 using B.'s Suggestion

[FranktheFrank]

Imagine an early autumn day
when the beaches are longer
inhabited by lovers that roam
seeking the solitude of the dunes
empty as Cox's Bazar
the sea warmed by sun soaked
sands ready for us to swim.

The daring teenager
showing off
with a purloined cigar
his date entranced
wet and ready for love's game.

****
Sorry guys, forgot to leave the original . . . oh well

[BobBradshaw]

The second stanza intrigues me. I love the unusual imagery, and the line "wet and ready for love's games". Now go back and liven up the first stanza.

[Bernie01]

Frank---

the actors, the play, the setting.



The teenager with a purloined cigar,
his date wet and ready for love's game.

Autumn all day long.

the beach empty as the Sahel.



bernie

[Gracy321]

Hi Frank,
Enjoyed. With some reservations. S1 sounds a bit contradictory, I can't seem to grasp whether the beach (a shame you've had to use the same term twice, maybe you could fit in "seaside" somehow) is empty and quiet, or loud. The lovers seek quietness, they'd find that around the dunes... LOL.
Somebody has suggested the Sahel, that would be a good addition to convey emptiness... just sayin'...

S2 is fine. You've got some splendid lines there.
Best, Gracy

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Gracy
I admit I have been lazy with this, not serious
and you point out the flaws very well.
I am lazy by nature, but thanks for input,
I feel at times the cirques are as rewarding as the poems.

[Billy]

Frank, I was really taken in by the first stanza, then the second stanza was a jolt which is good, but not this time. The atmosphere of the first stanza and the second are totally divergent for me.

[FranktheFrank]

Added a bit to meet demand.

I noticed it myself Billy, quite a jar, what to do
think. Valid comment, thank you.

B. Cox's Bazaar, 75 miles long beach, will that do?
and thanks for marvellous input to all of us this month.
Quite remarkable.

Thanks Bob, went back, tidied up.

Thanks G. marvellous crit., ty.