She Stalks within her Den - V2

[FranktheFrank]

For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.
She also lieth in wait as for a prey . . .’[/i]
cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccProverbs 23:27-28 KJV

He scurries round the desert sand, a palp,
a thrum, he scents her pheromonéd air.
She signs an interest from her lair, he stares.
Beguiled, she meets his stance, he foils her snare,

He moves into her burrowed den, to stroke
her hairy abdomen. He plants his sac
into her gonopore. Tarantula
avoid so-longs, those lingering lookings back.







*****

[capricorn]

I'm glad you have posted your tarantula poem, Frank as I love nature poems.


For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.
She also lieth in wait as for a prey . . .’
Proverbs 23:27-28 KJV Holy Bible

I like the way you have started with a biblical verse as it leaves the reader wondering what is coming next.

He scurries round the arid sands, a palp,
a thrum, he scents her pheromonéd air.
She signs an interest from her lair, he stares.
Beguiled, she meets his stance, he foils her snare,

I think it possibly should be pheromonal in L2.

I think you could build the tension more throughout the poem by changing line breaks, eg

He scurries round the arid sands,
a palp, a thrum,
he scents her pheromonal air.
She signs an interest from her lair,
he stares. Beguiled,
she meets his stance,
he foils her snare,



He moves into her burrowed den,
to strokes her hairy abdomen.
He plants his sac into her gonopore.
Tarantula avoids so-long,
that lingering looking back.

Sp. in L2 stroke
To me the ending is too sudden. I'd like to see more of a build up. Something to think on Frank. Look forward to see where you take this.

Eira

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Eira
Good analysis there,
I pondered pheremonal
for some time, I think you are right
pheremonal would work.

[capricorn]

I like this too, Frank. Sometimes it's good to write for yourself. It reminds me of a poem I wrote about a snake catching his prey.

Other than the suggestions I have already made, I would say even the rhythm to all iambic meter and keep the syllable count the same.

Eira

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Eira
Insightful observations, always helpful.

[capricorn]

I think I have contradicted myself here, Frank, by telling you to keep the line syllable count the same, but originally I changed the line breaks in St1 which shortens some lines syllable counts
I still think that changing the line breaks helps to build the tension, so I'll change my second comment to just keeping in iambic rhythm - and change syllable count if needed.

Eira

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks Eire

I've tried that, now regular ten syllable iambus
lines with a hint of slant rhyme.

[capricorn]

Just found this one again Frank - yes St2 reads much smoother now.

Eira

[FranktheFrank]

Thanks for the help Eira
shows the strength of workshopping I think.