They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 11 Oct 2017, 21:35

Revision:

They choked the nicest boy in Kansas to death,
No Governor's reprieve and he died on schedule.

Chubby, maybe fat, a bad classical music player
living on a farm. He shot his sister, pumped 17
into his dad, three or four into mom.

A fellow student and the same age,
I was assigned the story and found the label
that stuck: The Nicest Boy In Kansas.

My first poem, though I didn't know it then.

In the prison courtyard he fed bread crumbs
to birds, read Dostoyevsky and let his hair grow.

The cops found him on his front steps petting
a dog, calm as a man waiting for a bus.

Some of us protested the death penalty,
especially for crazy folks, like him.

A psychopath. My hard boiled city editor
said you didn't need a medical degree
for that opinion.

40 years on and I can't stop thinking about all this.

I wondered, did he cry under the death hood
when hanged?

Like the stars burning down alone,
silent all their lives.



Original:

They choked the nicest boy in Kansas to death,
No Governor's reprieve and he died on schedule.

Chubby, maybe fat, a bad classical music player
living quietly on a farm until he shot his sister,
pumped 17 into his dad, three or four into his mom.

Not the crime guy, but about the same age
and a fellow student so I was assigned the story.
My talent, I found a label that stuck:
The Nicest Boy In Kansas.

My first poem, though I didn't know it then.

Hometown folks all said the same thing,
quiet, well mannered, even religious.
Couldn't find any girls he dated,
even knew him. A good science student
but no professor recalled his class presence.

Now we hear that bio every time,
mild mannered loner. Las Vegas, for example.

After shooting his family, He went to the movies,
chatted up the ticket seller to let them know
he had been there. He called the cops,
and they found him petting his dog, sitting
on the front step. Told them to look inside.

Before leaving home he ransacked drawers
to make it look like a robbery, but his story
looked phony as hell.

He confessed to his minister.

Some of us protested against the death sentence.
Especially for crazy folks, like him.
The Menninger foundation has moved from Topeka,
but it was an institution then with national rep.
They told me he was a psychopath. My hard boiled
city editor said you didn't need a medical degree
and ten years of psychiatric practice for that opinion.

40 years on and i can't stop thinking about all this.

I wondered, did he cry under the death hood
when hanged?

Like the stars burning down alone,
silent all their lives.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Oct 2017, 22:22

I like the first two stanzas best, especially the opening 2 lines. However, the storytelling is too slow and predictable to rise anywhere close to your standard. I assume you're experimenting. Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 11 Oct 2017, 22:28

This month is like a NanPo
the pace is terrific
electrified
passionate
old friends vying
to do better

Michael is tearing his hair out
he'll never get through reading this lot.

Bernie has dropped the formula!
he's into narrative
such a huge box to open
the fans are not happy about it
They will have to lump it,

New ground is being broken
ploughed, we await the crop.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 11 Oct 2017, 23:26

Bernie, I find it incredible that you can make a poem from this. Some poems work
Because of novelty, others because of solid
use of language
I'm amazed you apparently just sat down
and cranked this out like an assignment

There is as much here due to omission as
there is by intention. You never go too much into the story.

The natural, comvetdational style of this is what I refer to as letting the reader be a participant instead of an observer.

You nailed it. Like it was overheard in a bar.

Very very good work.

I'd love to read the original article

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 11 Oct 2017, 23:39

Frank, wtf is NanPo?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 12 Oct 2017, 00:03

Well I call it Nanpo it might be something else, it when we gather to write a poem a day for 30 days. :)

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Oct 2017, 00:45

Ohhhhhhhh

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Oct 2017, 00:53

Bernie I found the article

LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#9 Post by LindaLinda » 12 Oct 2017, 18:57

I really liked your opening lines draws the reader in, the content does the rest taking you down the page. Last lines are poignant.
I also like the natural feel to this piece, it feels like you are talking to the reader over coffee.
A very nice piece o f writing Bernie, pretty darn good for a first poem,
Linda

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#10 Post by Bernie01 » 12 Oct 2017, 20:52

Thanks Bob---

too slow. I understand. I can cut, wonder what to add that will makes this a faster poem for the reader.


Frank---

you are my biographer---a good historian. yes, narrative---the Bee poem and recently the haute cusine poem.


Excerpt:

Personal Account Of Bees

Scholarly bees who attend college and graduate with high marks
go to dewy clover fields wet enough to prevent a scalded mouth,
dull bees are sent to Cleveland, to my house, and others nearby
where the gardens are limp green, plants like washed dollar bills
passed from hand to hand by men who work on production lines.


a dozen other studies, including a town in Mexico:

narrative, a challenge. we will aim into these rough seas together.

thanks for your comment.

Excerpt:

Chichicapa, Mexico

Mezcal Del Maguey Chichicapa
is one dirt road farther than the day laborers from Oaxaca.

Coconut farmers live there, hands and clothes carry the scent
of bath soap.

The men are brown as beans. Washing beneath outdoor pumps
their bellies are plump and white.

We play dominoes under the shade of my copal tree
and share the Mezcal of the city.

When they sleep on the Day of the Dead they awake refreshed
and disappointed.


http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/poems/chichicapa-mexico



Kenneth---

you are a mind reader. this poem is personal because i felt complicit, a boy was hanged. my age, a fellow student. i didn't notice him either until it became a paid job. this poem, Yvonne says, is cathartic for me. Yes, took 40 years.

(the online story is not the original story, it was compiled from accounts written 40 years ago.)


Linda---

thanks for your comment. i will use it when rewriting.

many thanks.


bernie

warrenzephaniah
Posts: 3
Joined: 14 Oct 2017, 09:35

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#11 Post by warrenzephaniah » 14 Oct 2017, 09:39

I like the initial two stanzas best, particularly the opening 2 lines. In any case, the narrating is too ease back and unsurprising to rise anyplace near your standard. I expect you're testing. Help With Dissertation

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Oct 2017, 20:58

HI Bernie, I think you can cut this sentence a bit:
I was the same age and a student at his school,
so I was assigned the story.

maybe:
I was a student at his school,
assigned the story.

or:
A student at his school,
I was assigned the story...

You may consider doing similar compression on the '40 years on...' line. Just think about it.

Also, I would cut 'He confessed...'.

I really like these lines....they're revealing without sounding poetic. The simple language of the poem makes me think of 'In Cold Blood'. It's a good poem. I am enjoying it....I just would like to revisit the flow a bit later.

In the prison courtyard he fed breads crumbs
to birds, read Dostoyevsky and let his hair grow.

The cops found him on his front steps petting
a dog, calm as a man waiting for a bus.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#13 Post by Bernie01 » 16 Oct 2017, 00:09

Bob---

revised version on steroids. thanks for your detailed comments.

(by the way, he was jailed with the Clutter family killers portrayed in the capote book).



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: They Hanged the Nicest Boy in Kansas

#14 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Oct 2017, 06:31

Each revision gets better. This last revision may have polished it off nicely! Just one nit:

I was the same age, a fellow student,
I was assigned the story.

change to:

I was the same age, a fellow student
assigned the story.

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