Beached

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Beached

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Oct 2017, 18:17

'Like the pound of the Pacific
to a beached sailor.'

Bob Bradshaw

My brother Dave, a millionaire, thought he could buck
the treatment, do it his way and refused the radium
that would have shrunk the tumour. His NHS consultant,

smiled and went home to the Gower to hubby
and shrugged, her patient's choice, his pain.
He called me towards the end. My niece

questioned him, 'Why would you want Ceredid?'
"He's my brother! I taught him nesting and how
to blow eggs." When the morphine pumps began

to fail, to take the edge away, he realised,
he couldn't take the three jags from the drive
with him nor the carp in his three second pond,

the condos in Brighton, Paris, and Groningen
neither the two incognito women in his life.
Too early to die, too late to live.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Beached

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2017, 08:28

So many poems I missed this.

I like the brevity, how you dont dwell on the illness.

Confused about Dad since he's the brother ?

Excellent close

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beached

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Oct 2017, 08:36

I agree..a strong close. I like all of the poem except for the opening stanza "Two percent..." I don't understand what is happening there. Do you need the first stanza? Otherwise all thumb's up for me...best

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Beached

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Oct 2017, 18:59

Thanks guys,
wonderful attention to detail
you really make this forum work.
I have adjusted to fit your suggestions.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Beached

#5 Post by Bernie01 » 16 Oct 2017, 20:52

Frank---

'Like the pound of the Pacific
to a beached sailor.'
Bob Bradshaw


you like Bob's phrase, the clarity and yet ability to suggest deeper meaning.


good, that you have a new opening that more closely fits the style of the above description.


My brother Dave,
a millionaire, but stubborn man.----------important? stubborn, sure, but so judgmental
He refused radium treatment that would
have shrunk the tumour.------------------let the action speak and make the judgment

His NHS consultant,...went home------why tell me this? not relevant to the close....to the poem
to the Gower to hubby
and kids, a bar-b-que on the beach,
shrugged, patient's choice.


He called for me at the end. My niece asked,------forget the niece---he called, all i need to know.
'Why would Dad want to see him?'-----------------plus the filial relationships are unclear
They forgot he taught me how to swim-------not a grabber. bucked me up at Eton,
taught me casino cards
and investment banking.

When the four pumps began to fail------do i need to know there were four?
to take the edge away, he realized,
too late to miss the three jags-----------three to words plus a too.

in the driveway, the carp
in his three second pond, the mansion------brief characterization of that vague term, mansion
the country estate in Cornwall, and two incognito
brides still strolling the camellias and and autumn perennials.




bernie


'Like the pound of the Pacific
to a beached sailor.'
Bob Bradshaw



My brother Dave,
a millionaire and stubborn
as a mule, refused radiation.

He bucked me up at Eton,
taught me casino cards
and investment banking.

He wasn't easy to love,
but I loved him.

When the pain killing pumps
floundered, he realized too late
the loss of three jags, the carp
in his three second pond,
and the Cornwall estate patrolled
by his two incognito brides,
still strolling the camellias
and autumn perennials.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beached

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Oct 2017, 20:59

Your revision rocks! It's now a terrific poem....

note: I'm touched that you would quote from a poem of mine....thank you

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Beached

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Oct 2017, 21:22

Good crit Bernie, you are no use to us being tactful
let it rock man. :)

Revised again, said same thing a different way.

Bob your poem bit deep at the time, this was your best line
glad you don't mind me purloining it for my own nefarious uses.

Should have left the original. wrap on wrists.

LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Re: Beached

#8 Post by LindaLinda » 17 Oct 2017, 00:19

Great work Frank, I like what you did with it. Tough subjects, death and family, but you handled honestly and without sentiment.
Best
Linda

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Beached

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Oct 2017, 03:16

Morphine pumps I think

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beached

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Oct 2017, 08:55

As long as it's for nefarious uses, I'm good with it...thx

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Beached

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Oct 2017, 13:20

Haha
I only used nefarious because it has such a good sound.

Yes pumps as a noun not a verb.

I think it is interesting in writing to use words that can be taken either way,
and yet are still good English usage.

It may cause the reader to stop and go back to read again, and that is good, yes?

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