Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

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meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#1 Post by meenas17 » 31 Oct 2017, 21:13

Revision

It is quaint to see
a man with a stud
that sparkles.

An American diamond
or a real one,
I do not know.

His short pony tail,
dangles to and fro,
a bit funny.

His hair oiled, shines
silvery and black at places
not perfectly dyed.

Call him Kabilan, a name ,
unrelated to the poet,
of the sangam age.

Addressed as "Tamil Ocean"
by a few. Why so?
I do not understand.

A learned man,
possesses a fair knowledge
of Tamil literature.

Quotes from the epics,
puranas and odes,
a scholar, no doubt.

Displays an arrogance, unbecoming.
Words, devil, demon, pimp
flow with ease.

Supercilliousness.

That obscures his skill,
The "Tamil Ocean"
turns a frothing drain.


Came across
an oxymoron,"educated illiterate".

Beautiful, yet strange,
I think.

Impressed by the epithet,
I try to appropriate it with an example.

Voila, I am almost there,
the epithet befits Kabilan,
I shout.

Amused at my discern,
I smile.

Being one of disdain.






Original

It is quaint to see
a man with a stud
that sparkles.

An American diamond
or a real one,
I do not know.

His short pony tail,
dangles to and fro,
a bit funny.

His hair oiled, shines
silvery and black at places
not perfectly dyed.

Call him Kabilan, a name ,
unrelated to the poet,
of the sangam age.

Addressed as "Tamil Ocean"
by a few. Why so?
I do not understand.

A learned man,
possesses a fair knowledge
of Tamil literature.

Quotes from the epics,
puranas and odes,
a scholar, no doubt.

Displays an arrogance, unbecoming.
Words, devil, demon, pimp
flow with ease.

Supercilliousness is the word.

That obscures his skill,
The "Tamil Ocean"
turns a frothing drain.

The epithet "educated illiterate"
fixes him up.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 01 Nov 2017, 00:51

M---

i follow the logic of the poem, but what examples can you give to support the narrator's opinion?

bernie

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#3 Post by meenas17 » 01 Nov 2017, 15:22

Examples?
I think the way he calls his counterparts best illustrate his arrogance.
Other than those I have to explore.
Thanks, Bernie.
Meena.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1263
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Nov 2017, 21:52

Meena
this is excellent up to S9. Pefect punctuation, concise
not overly wordy, but then the last three you seem to display
a savageness about the character.

I might be a little over the top Meena, maybe cut bad the venum a tad
would balance the poem a little.

For instance:

Displays an arrogance, unbecoming.
Words, devil, demon, pimp
flow with ease.

Supercilliousness is the word.

That obscures his skill,
The "Tamil Ocean"
turns a frothing drain.

The epithet "educated illiterste"
fixes him up.

I leave it to you to think about.

best wishes

Kenneth2816
Posts: 732
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 02 Nov 2017, 04:47

Meenas, I don't understand the poem and I'm sure it's my fault. I just wanted to say it is good to see You:)

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 02 Nov 2017, 19:07

M---

A student asks
about his rival, Nakulan:
he sneers: Dahlit without
High School education


He says women cannot
understand poetry
and should raise babies,
write shopping lists.




well, examples of his performance.


i thought his physical description was terrific.


bernie

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#7 Post by meenas17 » 03 Nov 2017, 18:28

Nice comments.

I would like to share the experience I felt and the reaction of the town after kabilan's speech.
Being at the helm of the event, my husband had to face an angry group who came to the house with indignation.
They brought a letter signed by some fifty people who wanted my husband to write a letter to Kabilan condemning his indecency.
We had a hard time to set things right.

My verse, Frank gives out only a fraction of the emotions I encountered the other day.

Bernie, your examples are good and I would incorporate them in my revision.

Thanks .
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1263
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 Nov 2017, 22:12

From the poem we are quite unaware of the angry group
the letter signed by 50 citizens
his indecency
the hard time you had putting it right
the other emotions you left out of the poem
if you don't like my critique ignore it.

When workshopping we post our work hoping for comments
that improve the poem, no one pretends to be experts in critique
in fact the critiquer may be a hopeless poet, yet he/she stick their
neck out because it is expected. The poet has received the comment
and may feel aggrieved by what the critic has said. The critic may
actually be talking rubbish, yet that is the process. I don't feel bad
writing my comments, but I do feel like giving up.

If all you want is platitudes and not honest feedback then your
work doesn't get the benefit of what the general public will
see when it comes before them.

It's happening more and more on this forum that people froth
over negative feedback, better negative than none.

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#9 Post by meenas17 » 04 Nov 2017, 19:56

I require honest feedback, not platitudes.
I like to improve by revising my work and for that sake I joined this forum.
I explained the situation we were in which provoked me to write this poem.
It might sound savage as I was totally worked up when I wrote.
I take every criticism with equanimity, both good or bad.
You have misunderstood my statement, Frank.
I value your critique. I follow every suggestion in my revisions.
Few of my poems have received no comments. I am not disturbed by those nor did they dissuade me from writing.

Best,
Meena.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 732
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Nov 2017, 19:57

^^ yes

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#11 Post by meenas17 » 04 Nov 2017, 20:12

Kenneth,
Do you agree with me?
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 732
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#12 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Nov 2017, 20:52

I agree that you take criticism well and that you work very hard Meenas.

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#13 Post by meenas17 » 04 Nov 2017, 21:00

Thanks, Kenneth.
Yes, I work hard. Honours and recognition do not bother me.
I never lose my poise.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#14 Post by Bernie01 » 11 Nov 2017, 05:47

M---

Frank is so valuable, his insight and "poise" like your own.

wish you would try something more based on your poise---the new movie Orient express, a poetry club, or any slightly artificial event that thrusts strangers together---just thought.


I continue to develop another side of my sensibility, my poise, when I deal with you and Siva. especially, since you open the blinds to new wonders.



bernie

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#15 Post by meenas17 » 12 Nov 2017, 14:30

Nice play on the word "poise", Bernie.
Good to know that you find my writing interesting.
Thanks.

Meena.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Kabilan --- The Tamil Ocean

#16 Post by Bernie01 » 12 Nov 2017, 23:43

M---


more than "interesting" as you say.

i find your work an avenue into custom and ideas, idiom and nuance---poise---not always familiar to me. your writing POV always vivid and original.


bernie

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