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 Post subject: Love Story
PostPosted: 19 Oct 2017, 21:57 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 355
later version:

Love Story

Who knew after
the laboratory and tower

imploded that a young man
would fall in love with me?

How can I explain to him
that I am incapable

of love? I'm as split
as a harelip:

from the start my brain
and body were rivals--

my body a slow child,
refusing to be tutored,

demanding its needs
be met.

It longed to be lewdly groped,
its heart a slut’s.

I was as abhorred by its behavior
as I was by The Creature.

Even now my past
defines me: can I rise

above the graveyards
I was born in?

I long to escape
loneliness—

to be a wife, a mother--
to be more than the sum

of my parts, the way
a family is.

Yet I fear a man’s touch
as much as I do lightning.


earlier version:
Love Story, The Bride of Frankenstein  


   Who knew after
   the laboratory and tower

   imploded that a young man
   would fall in love with me?

   How can I explain to him
   that I am incapable

   of love?  I'm as split
   as a harelip:

   from the start my brain
   and body were rivals--
   
   my body a slow child,
   refusing to be tutored,  

   demanding its needs
   be met.

   It longed to be lewdly groped,
   its heart a slut’s.

   I was as abhorred by its behavior
   as I was by The Creature.

   Even now my past
   defines me:  will I rise

   above the graveyards
   I was born in?

   I long to escape
   loneliness—

   to be a wife, a mother-- 
   to be more than the sum 

   of my parts,  the way  
   a family is—yet how can I,

   fearing a man’s touch as much
   as I do lightning?


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PostPosted: 20 Oct 2017, 11:30 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 370
Some excellent lines here.It's a keeper, but there are a few flat places to my ear.

Suggest "I am incapable of love
-refusing to be tutored
demanding its needs be met
Suggest that three questions in such a short poem stick out.

Change closing line to a statement:

And yet I fear the touch of a man
as much as I do lightning.
Close the loop.

You've a knack for this kind of work Bob.
I likd the characters you give voice to.

You may not want to use Bride Of ....
as a title and show the reader with your lines


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PostPosted: 20 Oct 2017, 20:42 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 355
Thanks much, Ken....I've made some of your changes...best


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PostPosted: 20 Oct 2017, 23:20 
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Joined: 09 Jul 2017, 06:34
Posts: 135
I have read this and shall keep track of the comments.

S


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PostPosted: 21 Oct 2017, 12:32 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1200
 
Hi Bob,

literary and unpretentious - admirable


I agree w/ Kenneth re the title - the i.d. of the voice becomes apparent

^^ my title suggestion is based upon this passage:

"Even now my past
defines me: will I rise

above the graveyards
I was born in?"

^^ I esp like/relate to (borne from the graveyard), and workshop share a hopeful variation:

Even now my past
defines me: yet I will rise

above the graveyards
I was born in.


^^ prompting my title suggestion, a quote - epigraph as title:

"Hope springs eternal"   -- Alexander Pope

^^ and AP himself was a genius of deformed physicality



I also like the Universality of:

"to be more than the sum

of my parts,"


and I like Kenneth's workshop of the close


Bob, your poem here is one I recommend for the upcoming November IBPC.

I'll recommend it at Palaver later, soon

8)

Michael (MV)

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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PostPosted: 23 Oct 2017, 09:13 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 355
Michael, Kenneth -- thanks so much for your ideas....I am thinking them over.


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 Post subject: Re: Love Story
PostPosted: 23 Oct 2017, 12:20 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 370
Bob.I second M's nom for IBPC


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 Post subject: Re: Love Story
PostPosted: 23 Oct 2017, 23:46 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 355
Thanks, Kenneth...you and Michael have been most helpful, and kind to this poem....best, Bob


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 Post subject: Re: Love Story
PostPosted: 24 Oct 2017, 04:40 
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Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13
Posts: 71
Enjoyed this, great descriptions and so many great lines, nothing to change, I only paused at... it's heart a slut....
I would suggest ...Whore... just a thought.
Linda


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