Libernium

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Libernium

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Oct 2017, 20:01

She wore the days
like a child's paper chain

the way the moon indentures
the waves, night after night
dragged by the hair to dry land

It is the right of the transgressor
to be drowned in mercy, buried
in sand until only a toe breaks ground.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Libernium

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Oct 2017, 20:56

Sorry, I can't find the definition of 'Libernium'....can you provide it? I really like some of the imagery, the child's paper chain my favorite...the moon indenturing the waves...excellent

SivaVelliangiri
Posts: 140
Joined: 09 Jul 2017, 06:34

Re: Libernium

#3 Post by SivaVelliangiri » 20 Oct 2017, 23:18

I like the last line.

S

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Libernium

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Oct 2017, 23:57

Thanks Bob. I don't think Iit means anything. I like how it sounds and needed ass title...tried to write a precept poem without a ton of pronouns .

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Libernium

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Oct 2017, 23:58

Thanks Siva!

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Libernium

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Oct 2017, 00:10

K:

awkward:

She wore the days
like a child's paper chain




but how sprightly, how poetic:


the way the moon indentures
the waves, night after night
dragged by the hair to dry land



builds a vivid and original picture---congrats


labored, unclear image devoid of a reality:

It is the right of the transgressor
to be drowned in mercy, buried
in sand until only a toe breaks ground.




bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Libernium

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 21 Oct 2017, 06:20

I hear you Bernie. I dont know if I understand awkward, but I get labored as in trying to hard.

I appreciate your comments

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Libernium

#8 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Oct 2017, 20:17

K---

more like an imbalance. one dancer does the salsa, the second looks to waltz.



grace is sacrificed.

bernie

LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Re: Libernium

#9 Post by LindaLinda » 24 Oct 2017, 04:20

K
you have some lovely lines here, great opening and S2 very poetic.
Maybe I'm dense but I can't get what this poem is about.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Libernium

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Oct 2017, 12:05

Me either:)

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