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PostPosted: 27 Oct 2017, 00:29 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
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The Braeburn Tree (rewritten in quatrains)

Mother-like it stoops to watch Sheba’s endless
sleep, drapes its blush pashmina over her in spring.
Its trunk inclines across the slender path to bask in
solar warmth; branches grasp us as we grapple to pass.

After harvest, we shovel it out, abandon windfalls
to compost the ground, around the gaping cavity.
Repositioned by the wishing well, we pamper it, hope
sap will course through veins again and the chasm left

will not be needed very soon. In February’s gloom, we wait
for the man trapped in traffic, carrying a mercy-potion.
It takes seconds. Max is swallowed by the void as soil
shrouds him. We replant nearby bulbs, in memoriam.

I first saw Max in a dream-chase, the tabby scurrying
from Sheba’s shady grave. Now Max rests beside her.
Seedtime rays and drizzle foster apple blossoms to unfurl
today; narcissi gently waver where heads once bowed.

---------------------------------------------------------------
The Braeburn Tree

Mother-like it stoops to watch Sheba’s endless
sleep, drapes its blush pashmina over her in spring.

Its trunk inclines across the slender path to bask in solar
warmth; branches grasp us as we grapple to pass by.

After harvest, we shovel it out, abandoning windfalls
to compost the ground, around the gaping cavity.

Repositioned by the wishing well, we pamper it, hope
sap will course through veins again and the chasm left

will not be needed very soon. In February’s gloom, we wait
for the man trapped in traffic, carrying a mercy-potion.

It takes seconds. Max is swallowed by the void as soil
shrouds him. We replant nearby bulbs, in memoriam.

I first saw Max in a dream-chase, the tabby scurries
from Sheba’s shady grave. Now he rests beside her.

Seedtime rays and drizzle foster apple blossoms to unfurl
today; narcissi gently waver where heads once bowed.


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 27 Oct 2017, 05:47 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 399
Very lovely. Formal,with its own internal cadence. Stanza 5 is other worldly and I'm thinking it's about putting down a beloved pet, but I'm ok with not knowing for sure.

I can't find anything I'd change, Eira. The elevated tone and language tell me you did not rush this one.

The voice has twinges of grief. It's solemn.Couplets work well and all-in-all, this is a finely crafted poem


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 29 Oct 2017, 02:47 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 786
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
I remember this from before Eira
now cut back severely,
I must say I like the removal of the emotional
language of before, we don't need promoting
the love and the pain comes through at the end.

I think you could cut 'in memorial' we get it already.
Maybe 'in solar warmth' as well, in the sun, would do.
your choice as always.

It does make us work to follow and that makes it
much stronger from the original.

I know this is a very important poem to you
so I hope my comments assist and don't
hinder the development of this moving poem.

best wishes


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 29 Oct 2017, 23:01 
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Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13
Posts: 71
Really beautiful Eira,
both the language, content and clear images,
A feat in itself to control the sentiment in a piece like this.
I find no changes to suggest.
Best Linda


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 30 Oct 2017, 01:17 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 457
C---

wonderful, and as Linda says, such beautiful control of the sentiments here.

and that word---pashmina


exquisite.

Quote:
Mother-like it stoops to watch Sheba’s endless
sleep, drapes its blush pashmina over her in spring.



artfully, tastefully presented in a sustained tone of both reverence and deliverance.



bernie


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 30 Oct 2017, 20:49 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 376
A lovely, quiet and moving poem....I really liked the stellar ending:

I first saw Max in a dream-chase, the tabby scurries
from Sheba’s shady grave. Now he rests beside her.

Seedtime rays and drizzle foster apple blossoms to unfurl
today; narcissi gently waver where heads once bowed.


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:15 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
Kenneth2816 wrote:
Very lovely. Formal,with its own internal cadence. Stanza 5 is other worldly and I'm thinking it's about putting down a beloved pet, but I'm ok with not knowing for sure.

I can't find anything I'd change, Eira. The elevated tone and language tell me you did not rush this one.

The voice has twinges of grief. It's solemn.Couplets work well and all-in-all, this is a finely crafted poem


Thank you Kenneth. Yes St5 was about putting down my old Dalmatian, Max who had become very ill.

I've changed this back to quatrains - hope it reads well.

Eira


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PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:19 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
Hi Frank,

This isn't the same poem that you recall - that's why lots have been missed out. I always intended to write a poem about the Braeburn tree as it is central to a few poems I've written. Glad you feel it's an improvement.

Eira


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:20 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
LindaLinda wrote:
Really beautiful Eira,
both the language, content and clear images,
A feat in itself to control the sentiment in a piece like this.
I find no changes to suggest.
Best Linda


Thank you Linda

Eira


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PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:22 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
Thank you Bernie for your encouraging comments.
btw - pashmina is one of my favourite words. :D

Eira


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 Post subject: Re: The Braeburn Tree
PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:23 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
BobBradshaw wrote:
A lovely, quiet and moving poem....I really liked the stellar ending:

I first saw Max in a dream-chase, the tabby scurries
from Sheba’s shady grave. Now he rests beside her.

Seedtime rays and drizzle foster apple blossoms to unfurl
today; narcissi gently waver where heads once bowed.


Thank you Bob!

Eira


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PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:31 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 399
I think this better fits the formal language of the poem.


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PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 00:39 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
Kenneth2816 wrote:
I think this better fits the formal language of the poem.


So glad you think so too. Thanks for letting me know.

Eira


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PostPosted: 06 Nov 2017, 03:09 
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Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Posts: 91
Location: Argentina
I love the way you've put this lovely poem into quatrains. I know, I've read it before, so I know what it's all about. So sad when one loses pets of any sort.

I even remember that the only word usage that I didn't like was "gaping cavity"... LOL. Trouble is, it reminds me of dental cavities, I've certainly had gaping ones in my lifetime.

But nobody else has mentioned it, so it's just me, not to worry. :D

There's just the right amount of sentiment, shown in nuances throughout many gentle, soft lines.

Best, Gracy


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PostPosted: 09 Nov 2017, 02:19 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 786
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Eira
So impressed you have worked on this for a year and not afraid
to take advice when it agrees with you and change. The quatrains have
worked a treat and it looks a lot tidier, not that is so important.

I also think Gracy has a point on: "gaping cavity"..
It did not jar first time around, but looking at it now
maybe something slightly different.

best


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PostPosted: 09 Nov 2017, 19:49 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 399
With your permission, id like to nom this for Nov ipbc


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PostPosted: 09 Nov 2017, 20:30 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 368
I love this poem, Eira.
I do not want to say anything more.

Meena.

_________________
meenas17


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 01:16 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
Hi Gracy,

You know all the background to this :) Max will have been gone 2 years in February.

I quite like 'gaping cavity' lol! :lol: Trouble is I've used 'chasm' and 'void' in other stanzas describing the hole. I'll see if I can find another word I like.

Eira


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 01:21 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
FranktheFrank wrote:
Eira
So impressed you have worked on this for a year and not afraid
to take advice when it agrees with you and change. The quatrains have
worked a treat and it looks a lot tidier, not that is so important.

I also think Gracy has a point on: "gaping cavity"..
It did not jar first time around, but looking at it now
maybe something slightly different.

best


Hi Frank,

I often come back to older poems to see if they can be improved. Someone suggested the quatrains a few months ago and it suddenly clicked with me - yes! :D

I'm thinking on the 'gaping cavity'

Thanks for coming back to this one.

Eira


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 01:33 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
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Kenneth2816 wrote:
With your permission, id like to nom this for Nov ipbc


Thank you so much Kenneth, but this was sent to IBPC in July (and not placed) so I don't know what the rules would be about sending a revision off.
I brought it here to give some thought to revising it, hoping to find somewhere to submit it. Never gave a thought to IBPC again. If you think it would be ok to submit again to a different judge then I'll accept

Thanks!

Eira


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 01:35 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
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meenas17 wrote:
I love this poem, Eira.
I do not want to say anything more.

Meena.


Thank you so much, Meena.

Eira


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 02:05 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 786
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Eira
For what my opinion s worth, this is a new poem,
the whole style has changed, about a third of the wording too,
a new title and it is a new poem, I advise you to accept
Ken's generous nom.

regards


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 02:16 
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Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23
Posts: 70
FranktheFrank wrote:
Eira
For what my opinion s worth, this is a new poem,
the whole style has changed, about a third of the wording too,
a new title and it is a new poem, I advise you to accept
Ken's generous nom.

regards


I would love to accept, Frank as long as I'm not breaking any rules. I feel honoured that Kenneth wants to nominate it. The wording is more or less the same but the change to quatrains has given it a different slant somehow.
I do remember (many years ago) sending the same poem off twice. Rus Bowden said it was ok as it would be a different judge and to revise it a little.

So, I accept as long as this still applies.

Thanks Kenneth
Eira


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 02:29 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 786
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
The thing is Eire, if that was a rule that we could never again
write a poem with the same theme
about the same pet, the same garden
if we could never use a phrase again, a word,
poetry would become ever so limiting.

What makes it a new poem, can one write
a poem about Van Goch
that someone else has written.

New means different words, or word order, phrases
not a theme, a theme would mean no one could write
about winter in the garden.

Look at my June win, Frosted garden, based on Bernie's
Winterset, different poems by different poets
but the same theme.

I'll leave it to you.
Your choice.


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PostPosted: 10 Nov 2017, 06:18 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 399
No rules are being broken as long as its never been published


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