The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

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meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#1 Post by meenas17 » 18 Nov 2017, 21:02

Revision

The splurge of colour,
intense in shades,
dark green
intermittent with
a yellowish sprinkle
of ripe grains that dangle
in the breeze,
a fantasy in creation
transitory though
the extensive fields
display an aura of beattitude.

Transcendental.

The weave on the six yards
silk cloth, woven with
deliberations and discriminations,
echo nature's exuberance.
The ogre pallu with floral motifs
inserts of yellow silk threads,
the spear like gopurams,
a flourish in the border, spun
with pure silver zari
thrusts a classicism.



Handiwork of the weavers
from kanchipuram, the sari
is aesthetic-grandiloquent.
The eyes behold.
A zest hard to conceal.
Could it be a semblance
of an inexplainable grandeur?
thoughts flow in a jazz.

I pause for a moment,
breathe hard, impressive.
Yearn to see the deft hands
that operate. I visualise
with eyes wide open.
The ache borne cross the mind.
The resultant is inconquerable.

A poetic splendour.


A rapturous resplendence
where bliss surpasses
the desire to posess.

A sensitivity beyond words.







Original


The dark green tends to express
a significance of fertility.
the zari interwoven lends
a brilliance, the contrast pallu
ogre in colour displays floral motifs.
The borders dazzle with
spear like gopurams.
They rise up to a level
not too high, exhibit a proportionate
disbursement.

Handiwork of the weavers
from kanchipuram, the sari
is aesthetic-grandiloquent.
The eyes behold
with a zest hard to conceal.
Could it be a semblance
of a poetic grandeur? thoughts
flow in a jazz.


I pause for a moment,
breathe hard, impressive.
Yearn to see the deft hands
that operate. I visualise
with eyes wide open.
The pain it would have endured,
the strain of the eyes while weaving,
come to the mind.

The outcome is gorgeous,
- poetic.

I experience a sensitivity
that exalts and exhilarates.
I cannot set aside the piece
as a mere sari, it is but
a rapturous resplendence
where bliss surpasses
the desire to posess.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 18 Nov 2017, 22:11

M---

wonderful topic. ode to the saree---no much more than that, as though the reader is invited into a gallery.


The dark green tends to express
a significance of fertility.



my preference is to avoid easy comparisons---green and fertility


the kanchipuram saree is so light, magical, elegant---me, i avoid a heavy, burdensome word like this: interwovenlends



a brilliance, the contrast pallu
ogre in colour displays floral motifs.
The borders dazzle with
spear like gopurams.
They rise up to a level
not too high, exhibit a proportionate
disbursement.


now we are talking, now we are soaring.

and i like how the poem focuses ever more on the garment:

Handiwork of the weavers
from kanchipuram, the sari
is aesthetic-grandiloquent.
The eyes behold
with a zest hard to conceal.
Could it be a semblance
of a poetic grandeur? thoughts
flow in a jazz.



and this nod to industrial damage:

I pause for a moment,
breathe hard, impressive.
Yearn to see the deft hands
that operate. I visualise
with eyes wide open.
The pain it would have endured,
the strain of the eyes while weaving,
come to the mind.



but the soaring theme asserts itself again:

The outcome is gorgeous,
- poetic.

I experience a sensitivity
that exalts and exhilerates.
I cannot set aside the piece
as a mere sari, it is but
a rapturous resplendence
where bliss surpasses
the desire to posesse.



i wonder about something, introducing a woman---a model for the saree maybe not here, but in a second poem. she attends a theater opening, listens to a classical music concert---alone.

you see my drift.


Allow a poem to follow you when you once wore your Mamchipuram Saree.

enjoyed this poem.


bernie





http://www.craftsvilla.com/womens-cloth ... am-sarees/

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Nov 2017, 23:10

One of your best poems....Bernie's covered the ground, but I just want to say congrats as well....I would cut these lines as unnecessary, but don't dwell on this one criticism...the logic and imagery and warmth of this poem is remarkable

They rise up to a level
not too high, exhibit a proportionate
disbursement.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Nov 2017, 07:33

I concur, this was some of your best ive read.

meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree

#5 Post by meenas17 » 19 Nov 2017, 12:09

it is a pleasure to go through the comments, Bernie, Bob and kenneth.

Bernie, you teach me how to critique a poem. A line by line analysis, a sum up of the stanzas, an evaluation I did while I pursued my Masters, now forgotten as I had to indulge in business. The transations have kept me away from literature for a comparatively longer time.I am back and find myself dull witted, unfocused, with poor communication skills.
The sari, especially Kanchipuram, is dear to my heart. I love wearing them. This particular saree which I own delights me whenever I take it from the almirah, a heirloom of which I am proud and which I cherish.

I will keep your suggestions in mind while I revise.

Bob is noted for his brevity. His poems are short and sweet. So goes the critique, sharp and straight.

Kenneth's views are always encouraging.

Thanks to the three of you.

Meena
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1528
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 20 Nov 2017, 23:31

Hi meenas,

in much accord w/ Bernie, and those readers before me

however, I find it could be less prose/telling and more realized/revealed - and then it will be one of your finest poems


the start

"The dark green tends to express
a significance of fertility."

^^ and first stanza read like a text panel on a museum gallery wall, or a saree catalog

transform that opening to: a green field


doesn't quite achieve the ecstatic experience of the saree's metamorphosis - so far the draft is too telling of it


here in Thanksgiving's kinship may I offer my Occidental garment as a possible model:

http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/poems/disrobing-the-ghost


in the spirit of poetry workshop creativity

8)

Michael (MV)

meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree

#7 Post by meenas17 » 21 Nov 2017, 20:00

Well taken, Michael.
You find it too telling and more prosaic.
Well, read the poem cited.
It helps.

Meena.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#8 Post by meenas17 » 25 Nov 2017, 07:49

II have posted a revision.
Hope, it works.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 Nov 2017, 17:15

It does work:)

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#10 Post by Bernie01 » 26 Nov 2017, 03:54

agreed.

bernie

meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#11 Post by meenas17 » 27 Nov 2017, 19:38

Thanks, Ken and Bernie.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#12 Post by Bernie01 » 28 Nov 2017, 23:56

M---

unrelated, forgive me, but your poem about a family of Orang Asli from Malasia---honey sellers---delightful. i hope you will post it here sometime.


https://iias.asia/sites/default/files/IIAS_NL35_10.pdf


bernie

meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#13 Post by meenas17 » 29 Nov 2017, 15:37

I will, Bernie.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1496
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#14 Post by FranktheFrank » 02 Dec 2017, 23:44

Meena,

a suggestion for the first strophe

A splurge of colour,
intense shades
of green
intermingled with
a sprinkling of yellow
like ripe grains of corn that dangle
in the breeze.

The rest of the stanza is wordy and with fanciful words.
You overload the poem with extraordinary words
like a schoolgirl with a new dictionary,
if you wish to use them, do so sparingly for a better effect.

a fantasy in creation
transitory though
the extensive fields
display an aura of beatitude.

best wishes

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#15 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Dec 2017, 01:08

I like Frank's suggestions....and more tightening can be done in 'The weave...' stanza...since this poem has so much potential, and so much good writing already, we might as well customize its wear as much as possible....I'll drop back to look later....thx

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1227
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#16 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Dec 2017, 01:11

For example, I would get rid of the deliberations line...too prosy, and tighten the exuberance line; also, you don't need both...classicism and masterpiece...nail the details and usually the music follows

a classicism.

A masterpiece.

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#17 Post by capricorn » 04 Dec 2017, 04:16

Wow! Meena, I have read this a few times but haven't had time to reply. I have to say I didn't recognise it as your work - it is certainly one of your best. I have just read your latest poem and I include that one too.

Your revision has brought this one very close to completion and you have already had good suggestions. I love your wonderful descriptions, although I feel some words are unnecessary as being repeats and some descriptions are a little too much - keep it simple

Here are a few thoughts, I have put brackets round some parts I feel not needed - but remember it's your poem and my suggestions may not be for you.


The splurge of colour,
intense in shades,
dark green
intermittent with
a yellowish sprinkle
of ripe grains that dangle
in the breeze,
a fantasy in creation
[transitory though
the extensive fields]
display an aura of beattitude.

L1&2 mention colour & shades, which mean the same, so delete one of them
Sp beatitude

An intense splurge
of dark green shades
intermittent with
a yellow sprinkle
of ripe grains that dangle
in the breeze,
a fantasy in creation -
an aura of beatitude.


[Transcendental.]

The weave on the six yards
silk cloth, woven with
[deliberations and discriminations,]
echo nature's exuberance.
The ogre pallu with floral motifs
inserts of yellow silk threads,
the spear like gopurams,
a flourish in the border, spun
with pure silver zari
thrusts a classicism.

L1&2 weave & woven are repeats - same meaning

Six yards of silk cloth, woven with
echoes of nature's exuberance.
Ogre pallu’s floral motifs,
flourished with a border
of spear like gopurams,
dazzling in silver zari

A classic


Handiwork of the weavers
from kanchipuram, the sari
is aesthetic-grandiloquent.
The eyes behold.
A zest hard to conceal.
Could it be a semblance
of an inexplainable grandeur?
thoughts flow in a jazz.

Perhaps 'My eyes behold with a zest ...' in L4/5

I pause for a moment,
breathe hard,[ impressive].
Yearn to see the deft hands
that operate. I visualise
with eyes wide open.
The ache borne cross the mind.

Perhaps start a new St here

The resultant is [inconquerable].
a poetic splendour.
A rapturous resplendence
where bliss surpasses
the desire to posess. sp: possess

I would finish here


A sensitivity beyond words.


Well done Meena. This is truly beautiful. Remember, my suggestions are just one point of view. Take what suits you.
Eira

meenas17
Posts: 604
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#18 Post by meenas17 » 06 Dec 2017, 18:58

Eira, a lovely commentary.
The poem has made me proud in ways.
The saree is our national costume, primarily.
Secondly, it has won recognition as one of my best poems.

Bob, I will look into the prosaic part of the poem and try to tightem and make the verse sound poetic.

Frank, I have to graduate. I will check the usage and stop overloading with words.

Meena.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Kanchipuram Saree. (Revised)

#19 Post by Bernie01 » 07 Jul 2018, 22:13

M---


i'm still dissenting.....uneasy with the literal statements and telling nature of the poem:

Revision

echo nature's exuberance.

the extensive fields
display an aura of beattitude.


A rapturous resplendence
where bliss surpasses
the desire to posess.



The resultant is inconquerable.

A poetic splendour.




let the poem breathe, speak to me. it does not need an interpreter, a sports announcer.


you have a rich score from the judging stand when you sail across the ice, free, heartbroken, reborn.


know what i mean?

here, for example:


The splurge of colour,
intense in shades,
dark green
intermittent with
a yellowish sprinkle
of ripe grains that dangle
in the breeze,
...
transitory...


Transcendental.

The weave on the six yards
silk cloth, woven with
deliberations and discriminations,
The ogre pallu with floral motifs
inserts of yellow silk threads,
the spear like gopurams,
a flourish in the border, spun
with pure silver zari
thrusts a classicism.

you see the elegance and natural relations there, opposed to the editorial comments here:

Handiwork of the weavers
from kanchipuram, the sari
is aesthetic-grandiloquent.


if the sari is grandiloquent, i am willing to be convinced by your descriptive ardor, but not your restrictive and almost demanding tone when you tell me and force my attention.


here a wonderful and very creative line:

thoughts flow in a jazz.


i am then prepared to accept this verse:


The eyes behold.
A zest hard to conceal.
Could it be a semblance
of an inexplainable grandeur?



oh yes....


thoughts flow in a jazz.


and these lines now sink into the reader's heart:

I pause for a moment,
breathe hard, impressive.
Yearn to see the deft hands
that operate. I visualise
with eyes wide open.
The ache borne cross the mind.





bernie

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