Myron Coppersmith (Revised V2)

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Myron Coppersmith (Revised V2)

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Nov 2017, 12:43

He enters in through the step-over
door into an orange glow through a mist,
he hears voices but can't focus

because of the fog an' noise of the bellows
an' the heat o' the shop, he approaches
the cauldron of sparks and smoke

belching from the open hearth, coke blazing
gold, there was more than a hint
of enchantment in this dragon's eyrie.

He hears the rumble of an overhead bogie,
a bronze casting appears through the smog,
Eros with bow and arrow ready

for inspection. H'd been working
all week fettling and polishing. Myron switches
off the motors, they stand in silent awe.

Myron intones the benediction,
'It will shine like the midday sun, last eternal, run
colours of gold so deep a man can drown in 'em.'

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Copper Brothers

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Nov 2017, 00:46

I really like the way you create these characters, with such voices! I don't think you need the last stanza....but anyway, you put us right there, we feel the heat, see the sparks....the energy....

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Copper Brothers

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Nov 2017, 03:04

Thanks Bob
I've had the same thought
I must be growing somewhat. :)

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Copper Brothers

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Nov 2017, 05:32

Frank---


my vote is for a quicker entry....




He entered through the step-over
door, into an orange glow of mist,
heard voices but couldna

focus over the fog an' noise of the bellows,

the cauldron of sparks and smoke.

let me focus on this image....


red, raw, belching from the open hearth,
coke blazing gold, ...more than a hint
of the supernatural in this dragon's eyrie.

‘Aye they’ll be ready tomorrow
young fella, come back we’ll
be working all night on white metal too.

You like the moulding boxes do ye,
well that’s a private job, no rush,
for yon Dutchie on the hill.

He wants a token fence cast
from bronze, phosphor bronze
no less, it will shine like the midday

sun and last a thousand years
it will run colours so deep
a man could drown in 'em

Aye, there’s men who understand
the foundry, a dying art, a measure
of all the crafts, it’s a grand life.’


AND NOW, A FINAL VERSE ABOUT THE HEAT, NOISE AND MOLTEN MAYHEM OF CREATION....


OR MAYBE A CAST STATUE...DESCRIBED IN ARTISTIC TERMS...


i share bob's admiration for your voices, the poem comes alive there...insists on a unique identity.

great lines.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Copper Brothers (Revised V2)

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Nov 2017, 16:15

Thank Bernie and Bob

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Myron Coppersmith (Revised V2)

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 25 Nov 2017, 05:22

Frank---


i'm smitten by the noise, the flames and creative tumult, i'd narrowly focus there until the moment of birth.

He enters in through the step-over
door into an orange glow of mist,
he hears voices but can't focus

because of the fog an' noise of the bellows
an' the heat o' the shop, he approaches
the cauldron of sparks and smoke

belching from the open hearth, coke blazing
gold, there was more than a hint
of enchantment in this dragon's eyrie.



omit:

Aye they’ll be ready tomorrow
young fella, come back we’ll
be working all night on white metal too.

You like the moulding boxes do ye,
well that’s a no rush job, a token fence cast
from bronze, phosphor bronze no less.'




A bow and arrow appears with the rumble
of an overhead bogie. Myron pulls
a bronze and copper casting of Eros.

H'd been working
all week fettling and polishing. Myron switches
off the motors, they stand in silent awe.

Myron intones the benediction,
'It will shine like the midday sun, last eternal, run
colours of gold so deep a man can drown in 'em.'

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Myron Coppersmith (Revised V2)

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Nov 2017, 10:39

Okay, thanks Bernie

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