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Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

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#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 05 Dec 2017, 21:46

Against all medical advice
(blood thinners and alcohol dont mix)
I went to the Alamo bar,
ordered a shot of Tequila
which turned into many more.

Soon, Santa Anna and his army
marched through my head,
being out of shape having
given up drinking for 28 years.

My friends in AA would demand
I pick up another white chip,
confess my sins, take a vow
of surrender, start over at step one.

But the dark-eyed woman
sitting in the corner with
an outlaw smile and Spanish
accent matched me shot for shot,

not giving a damn I'm 64,
have erectile dysfunction,
a bad back,..


I was Poncho Villa or Zapatta
come down from the hills
to plunder her breasts,
stroke her hair,
take her home on the back of my horse

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

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#2 Post by Bernie01 » 06 Dec 2017, 00:53

Kenneth---

speechless.

so original, so creative. i was delighted with every line.

the close a knockout, would KO a dinosour.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

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#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Dec 2017, 01:47

Yes, a naughty boy
engaging in lustful thoughts
dreams of big titties
wanton
frolicking boy.

I liked the Alamo analogy.

For me, you could drop the last line of all
it is out of step.

N has already gotten his way with her
he doesn't need the phone number
he just casts her adrift
that's what bandits do.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

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#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 06 Dec 2017, 02:18

I changed it.

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