Love too Much

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Love too Much

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 12 Dec 2017, 02:41

I call late in the evening. She’ll be tired,
just before bedtime. I hear Mama call out,
‘It’s Delyn,' She doesn’t rush, has she forgotten
me. What are their pursed lips mouthing. Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery. A polite
greeting, but she's stuck for words. Mama and I take over
the chat, of old times, 'She used to hang on your every word.'
I know, but time moves on,
they grow up, boys become more interesting,
'Tell her I’m sorry it's been so long,' decorum.

I didn't mention my desperate longing,
just to listen to her light chatter,
when I was the Heracles in her life,
the only music I care to listen to.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Chained in the Pain of Love

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 12 Dec 2017, 04:34

F---


short narrative packs a punch---leaves the reader imagining more than he or she has actually been told.


this language, your final choice?

‘Tell her I miss her, tell her I love her
and will never forget her,
tell her I’m sorry.



would you want to imagine how she looks just at bedtime?

I call later in the evening.
She’s tired just before bedtime.


I imagine her face frowning
under rich lathers not yet dry.


Her yellow Mont blancpen,
the Patek Philippe wrist watch
discarded on the makeup table.





i wanted to imagine her more vividly---maybe hinting at her brittle nature and taste for luxury.

glad you didn't attempt to describe her---


i like what you are doing and suggesting.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Chained in the Pain of Love

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 12 Dec 2017, 13:47

Thanks Bernie, I like your suggestions
something to work on this week.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Love too Much

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 12 Dec 2017, 21:24

F---

fast, vivid opening:

I call late in the evening. She’ll be tired,
just before bedtime. I hear Mama call out,
‘It’s Delyn,' She doesn’t rush, has she forgotten
me. What are their pursed lips mouthing. Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery. A polite
greeting, but she's stuck for words. Mama and I take over


the poem's meaning established by showing the reader---clever building of the trace element---cooled ardor.


I call late in the evening.

She
Mama call out,
Delyn,'
Heracles

Tell her I’m sorry it's been so long,' decorum.


I didn't mention my desperate longing,


just to listen to her light chatter,

when I was the Heracles in her life,

the only music I care to listen to.





still pondering the close.


but i prefer this version to the original.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Love too Much

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Dec 2017, 22:18

I like Bernie's suggestions. Also, I very much like this line:

Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Love too Much

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Dec 2017, 23:59

I think this works because of the weight of what is not said

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