I call late in the evening. She’ll be tired,
just before bedtime. I hear Mama call out,
‘It’s Delyn,' She doesn’t rush, has she forgotten
me. What are their pursed lips mouthing. Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery. A polite
greeting, but she's stuck for words. Mama and I take over
the chat, of old times, 'She used to hang on your every word.'
I know, but time moves on,
they grow up, boys become more interesting,
'Tell her I’m sorry it's been so long,' decorum.
I didn't mention my desperate longing,
just to listen to her light chatter,
when I was the Heracles in her life,
the only music I care to listen to.
Love too Much
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Chained in the Pain of Love
F---
short narrative packs a punch---leaves the reader imagining more than he or she has actually been told.
this language, your final choice?
‘Tell her I miss her, tell her I love her
and will never forget her,
tell her I’m sorry.
would you want to imagine how she looks just at bedtime?
I call later in the evening.
She’s tired just before bedtime.
I imagine her face frowning
under rich lathers not yet dry.
Her yellow Mont blancpen,
the Patek Philippe wrist watch
discarded on the makeup table.
i wanted to imagine her more vividly---maybe hinting at her brittle nature and taste for luxury.
glad you didn't attempt to describe her---
i like what you are doing and suggesting.
bernie
short narrative packs a punch---leaves the reader imagining more than he or she has actually been told.
this language, your final choice?
‘Tell her I miss her, tell her I love her
and will never forget her,
tell her I’m sorry.
would you want to imagine how she looks just at bedtime?
I call later in the evening.
She’s tired just before bedtime.
I imagine her face frowning
under rich lathers not yet dry.
Her yellow Mont blancpen,
the Patek Philippe wrist watch
discarded on the makeup table.
i wanted to imagine her more vividly---maybe hinting at her brittle nature and taste for luxury.
glad you didn't attempt to describe her---
i like what you are doing and suggesting.
bernie
-
- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Chained in the Pain of Love
Thanks Bernie, I like your suggestions
something to work on this week.
something to work on this week.
Re: Love too Much
F---
fast, vivid opening:
I call late in the evening. She’ll be tired,
just before bedtime. I hear Mama call out,
‘It’s Delyn,' She doesn’t rush, has she forgotten
me. What are their pursed lips mouthing. Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery. A polite
greeting, but she's stuck for words. Mama and I take over
the poem's meaning established by showing the reader---clever building of the trace element---cooled ardor.
I call late in the evening.
She
Mama call out,
Delyn,'
Heracles
Tell her I’m sorry it's been so long,' decorum.
I didn't mention my desperate longing,
just to listen to her light chatter,
when I was the Heracles in her life,
the only music I care to listen to.
still pondering the close.
but i prefer this version to the original.
bernie
fast, vivid opening:
I call late in the evening. She’ll be tired,
just before bedtime. I hear Mama call out,
‘It’s Delyn,' She doesn’t rush, has she forgotten
me. What are their pursed lips mouthing. Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery. A polite
greeting, but she's stuck for words. Mama and I take over
the poem's meaning established by showing the reader---clever building of the trace element---cooled ardor.
I call late in the evening.
She
Mama call out,
Delyn,'
Heracles
Tell her I’m sorry it's been so long,' decorum.
I didn't mention my desperate longing,
just to listen to her light chatter,
when I was the Heracles in her life,
the only music I care to listen to.
still pondering the close.
but i prefer this version to the original.
bernie
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Love too Much
I like Bernie's suggestions. Also, I very much like this line:
Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery.
Her English falters,
moments hang like old curtains stripped of finery.
-
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Love too Much
I think this works because of the weight of what is not said