Ceramics

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Ceramics

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Dec 2017, 22:21

Ceramics



I've watched you poring
over ceramic books
as intensely
as you have over
our daughter's diary

when garrulous all her life
she turned silent and as deaf
as a trap door
vanishing into her own world
and yet

you never doubted
you could help her
anymore than you doubted
you could fix
a shattered dish.

I wasn't surprised
when Judy started talking
with you again
about boys
'full of swagger and nonsense'

and as you listened
I pondered who
could repair our lives
if not you
and yes the thought of you

in a hospice
one day sent shivers
through me like a web of cracks
racing through a plate
of fine china

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Ceramics

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Dec 2017, 23:10

Bob. This works very, very well. The extension of the metaphor coupled with the muted life story is fine craftmanship.

You have something wonderful here.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Ceramics

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 13 Dec 2017, 02:14

Bob---


I like the immediate positioning of the two women. knowing who they are. what they are about---initially. plot lines, yet unfixed and open for discovery.

pouring...


Judy fallen silent. the father, the poem narrator, bravely--- sadly---makes no complaint. Willingly stands aside, a broken ceramic in in the dustbin for repairs.

and then, flash---flash forward. the poem projects not the loss of the daughter, but the mother.

Hospice---such a critical word here---we understand, there is the behavior of the daughter as a model for the future---horrible as that future might be. and we are now not talking about about
the child, but the mother and father.

the unspoken hope, the mother can continue to repair the health of the marriage.

a creative poem, novel plot line.


bernie

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Ceramics

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 13 Dec 2017, 04:36

 
Bob,

" . . sent shivers
through me like a web of cracks
racing through a plate
of fine china"

^^ I know the sensation of that experience, and you have imaged it so aptly, it reoccurs vicariously


Strategic that you didn't use couplets for this narrative mode.


Beside every good man is a good woman - and I didn't first learn that from books   :)

Michael (MV)

 

 

 

 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ceramics

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Dec 2017, 05:08

I'm glad this piece worked....to some degree it's a different style for me....thx for the feedback...Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Ceramics

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Dec 2017, 14:45

Bob
Enjoyed this very mucho
Agree with most of the comments

Pour

Agree with Michael completely about the crack, brilliant, loved it and a fine ending.

I would mention, and whether it would improve the poem or not, is what was wrong with the child teenager
at first I thought sexual abuse, but discounted that as the father is so kind, a healer, or rape, but then she develops
an interest in boys, so I though autesism, but that doesn’t fit
So may be some form of bipolar,

I think it might help the poem if there was a clue to the ailment, just some thing we could relate to

Maybe make it plain it is the wife as N speaking

Then is he professionally qualified or just a natural healer

If you could indicate that, I feel it could help the poem along, use that scientific style of yours,
just a word or a phrase that qualifies the relationships. If for instance N called the healer darling

If N says something like: you shelved all your other patients for our little girl

Ok maybe not as blatant as that but you know what I mean

And if he's not a professional a note about how he is a natural healer,
that he is well known or an Indian Native American shaman

You know what I mean

We want to know how he has that Ealing power, is he a. Cristian, did he call on God to help

I think this is core to the poem, how could he healer her, of what ailment, why did N have
so much faith and that faith was rewarded like a spider's web of fine cracks in an ancient plate.

It’s a long way to go to the end of the month but if you agree and work on that changes I am thinking IBPC, let's see.

You may understand by my loquacious my remarks that reflectmy delight in this poem.

Best wishes

Ieuan

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ceramics

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Dec 2017, 03:56

Thanks, Ieuan, for thinking about this poem. But I don’t see
the girl as having an ailment. If anything she has teenage
angst, depression over probably a boy...teenagers can become
non-communicative, withdrawing from their parents... but
the mother is able to reestablish communication and rapport
With her daughter. My teenage son(many years ago) experienced a
similar withdrawal when
his girlfriend dropped him

Crivello
Posts: 1
Joined: 12 Dec 2017, 14:02

Re: Ceramics

#8 Post by Crivello » 21 Dec 2017, 18:54

That's pretty much what I was getting out of it, Bob. I love the subject and your piece. It resonates with me as a parent as well.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Ceramics

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Dec 2017, 19:04

Yes, an ailment:

I know Americans differ in English usage, this is how I see an ailment:

an illness, typically a minor one.
"the doctor diagnosed a common stomach ailment"
synonyms: illness · disease · disorder · sickness · affliction · malady ·
complaint · infection · upset · condition · infirmity · indisposition ·
malaise · trouble · bug · virus · lurgy

So what you explain is in my view: an upset, or infirmity, indisposition or even a malaise.

Maybe you could indicate that by a metaphor: darkness, cloud, dark days, withdrawal
that the subject is a teen, that it is rejected suitor and Mom comes to the rscue.

Otherwise we wonder what the malaise is out of a billion possible causes
that it is teenage romance
and that a family member comes to the rescue.

That's all I was saying.

Post Reply