The Indigenous Play --- "Sotang Kal"

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

The Indigenous Play --- "Sotang Kal"

#1 Post by meenas17 » 15 Dec 2017, 18:30

The seventh grade schoolgirls,
seven of us, Loola, Charu,
Rani, Jaishree, Rasheela,
Nalini and I
squat in a circle.

It is afternoon,
the sun falls direct
we  perspire.

Avid to commence the game,
Loola draws out
the coloured marbles.

The seven colours
Vibgyor sparkle
and shine.

Loola throws up the red one.
Picks the green while the
red comes down in momentum. 

She draws and captures. 
Appropriate move.
She plays  the same way
with the remaining five. 

Continues by picking two ,
three, four, five, completes  
with a scramble of six.

One of permutation and
combination.

Loola, a skilled performer
scores on with confidence.
Lo! she misses out. Fails in the
last leg.

Charu tries her luck.
Crosses the primary,
falls short in the third.

It is my turn. The red
marble rises in the air,
strikes the ground
before I pick the green.

My friends clap  and tease.
 
Crest fallen, I quit.
The play progresses.
The six cocentrate.

Enjoyment.

With misty eyes, I watch them
My inefficiency irks. 
 
I remain vanquished 
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sootang Kal"

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 15 Dec 2017, 20:44

M---


plenty of action. heartfelt, personal and clear without any requirement to understand the game.

show not telling,

Crest fallen, I quit.
The play progresses.
The six cocentrate.

Enjoyment.

With misty eyes, I watch them
My inefficiency irks.

I remain vanquished




that tag, i remain vanquished.


i will eat no supper tonight,
my stomach in knots.




or....


the Black Hole of Calcutta
reaches out to me....



chance to be creative outside the box...

excellent poem idea and execution,



bernie



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erfSed2MUsA

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sootang Kal"

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Dec 2017, 23:26

I really like the action starting at ‘Loola, a skilled...’ through ‘crestfallen’. I would like to see the action in previous stanzas compressed, moving the action even faster. Take out the stand-alone ‘Enjoyment’. Expand, have fun with the closing, as Bernie suggests. You’re closing in on a fine poem...best

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sootang Kal"

#4 Post by meenas17 » 17 Dec 2017, 07:07

I agree with you Bernie.
I will work on the closing lines.
The link, you posted, illustrates this point.
Thanks for the helpful suggestion.

Bob, it is heartening to note that you like the poem.

Meena.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sotang Kal"

#5 Post by capricorn » 17 Dec 2017, 18:09

A great action poem, Meena. I enjoyed this a lot.

I feel the first 2 stanzas could be combined and trimmed for conciseness. I quite like the 2nd stanza to start the poem. Below is just one suggestion.

The afternoon sun falls direct
on the seventh grade schoolgirls
who squat in a circle,
perspiring in the heat.

Personally, I wouldn't list the girls name as many are mentioned later in the poem.

JUsy a thought

Eita

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sotang Kal"

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Dec 2017, 21:22

Agree with Eita
no need to list all the names in first strophe.

You could start thus:

Seventh grade schoolgirls,
seven,
baking in the sun.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sotang Kal"

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Dec 2017, 23:42

I like Capricorn's idea...but I would like more cutting....here's a version to consider...

The afternoon sun falls direct
on the seventh grade schoolgirls
who squat in a circle,
perspiring in the heat.

Avid to commence the game,
Loola draws out
the coloured marbles.

Loola, a skilled performer
scores on with confidence.
Lo! she misses out. Fails in the
last leg.

Charu tries her luck.
Crosses the primary,
falls short in the third.

It is my turn. The red
marble rises in the air,
strikes the ground
before I pick the green.

My friends clap  and tease.
 
Crest fallen, I quit.
The play progresses.
The six concentrate.

My inefficiency irks. 
I remain vanquished,
my eyes misty

even now, my loss
still with me

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Indigenous Play --- "Sotang Kal"

#8 Post by meenas17 » 18 Dec 2017, 17:42

Eita, your ideas to trim and shorten the poem are most welcome.
Frank has expressed the same view.
I will revise and submit soon.

Bob, I like the closing lines. True, I still feel the loss.

Thanks.

Meena.
meenas17

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