The Wedding That Didn't Happen

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

The Wedding That Didn't Happen

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Dec 2017, 10:09

The Wedding That Didn't Happen


I look back at our wedding day
as my biggest failure.

My flowering pear
reminds me every day,

her back bent
like a bride who's waited

long after the church emptied
and sits slouched forward

on a hard pew, her face
in her hands. Forgive me

for not showing up
at our church. I couldn’t

marry you. I would have
disappointed you

as I have everyone
--my father

who never mentions his son
to his friends, my mother

who left my father and me
for another man, Karl, who

would father children
she could be proud of.

Years later, having failed
in two other marriages

as a husband, I stand
at my window, filled with regrets,

gazing out as if it were a porthole
of a sunken sub, the future

stretching like sands
into the darkness

just beyond my sub’s
flickering
lights.

zxcdvvbzacxsc
Posts: 1
Joined: 27 Jan 2018, 10:12

Re: When the Cows Come Home

#2 Post by zxcdvvbzacxsc » 27 Jan 2018, 10:13

Writers will get better experience with follow of this site that shares various important sources to them for better help. People get best earnings with start of uk essay services from students get best helps in writing of projects.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: The Wedding That Didn't Happen

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 27 Jan 2018, 22:30

Bob---


good god. this is fantastic.

a maintained tone, clarity and fluid narration.

and the opening is the time-bomb i speak of sometime---a surprise, a shock to put the reader on notification---get rid of the automatic pilot reading, the numb mumble along---pay attention, poetry is going to happen.

bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Wedding That Didn't Happen

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 28 Jan 2018, 00:16

L1 I look back at that appointed day,
L2 my biggest failure day.
L3- excellent
L4 ditto
L5 ditto
L6 like a my promised bride who's waited
L7 excellent
L8 excellent
L9 on a hard pew, her face
L10 in her hands.

Break

L11 Forgive me
L12 for not showing up
L13 at our church. I couldn’t
L14 marry you.
I would have
L15 disappointed you anyway
L16 as I have everyone else
L17 my father
L18who never mentions his son
L19 to his friends, my mother
L20 who left my father and me deserted us
L21 for another man, Karl,
L22 who would father children
L23 she could be proud of.

L24 Years later, having failed
L25 I failed two marriages
L26 as a husband, I stand
at my window, filled with regrets,
gazing out as if it were a porthole
of a sunken sub, the future
stretching like sands
into the darkness
just beyond my sub’s
flickering
lights.

The lament of failure gets the reader down
if only there was a bright light at the end of the
poem, maybe a searchlight, a lighthouse of hope
surely, no one can be that bad. Even convicts cling
to some kind of hope.

I don't know what B. means by automatic writing.
This kind of misery belongs to a Van Goch painting
and we know that's no way to live, it only ends in death.
And Van Gogh is no example to anyone on how to live
a happy life.

Surely there should be a moral, a turning point,
a child that comes into his life and everything changes
undiluted love that see no wrong
and think's N's vision is perfect.

I would put a child or a dog into the picture.

I hope you don't mind my critique.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Wedding That Didn't Happen

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jan 2018, 04:59

Bernie, I'm wowed by your response. Thanks...

Frank, I appreciate your feeling....Bob

Post Reply