Herring

[BobBradshaw]

Herring

In currents off the Barrier Reef
two swordfish probe
a silver ball of herring,
driving them toward the surface—
where the panicking fish
turn back, diving,
gathering into a communal ball
once more,
each fish believing
it is again safe, hidden.

Again the swordfish lunge
at their outer perimeter,
and the herring veer outward—
only to return
to their shrinking ball, the way a flower
in time lapse photography
opens into a blossom,
then closes in on itself at dusk—

and still they cannot elude
the gorging swordfish
--handfuls of herring
left, the sea growing darker,
till only a diver's light or lamp
can pick out survivors,
my heart going out
to those few grains
of flickering
light.

[Bernie01]

Bob---

two negatives:

excessive details
mixed metaphor images, bombs, tight fist at dusk, fish believing, diver's light...time lapse photography

what i like:

the original subject matter and the poem's ability to allow this reader a personal visit to the herring---the real fear and lament to their thinning numbers.

I like that the herring seem very real, impact my human reserve without making them into Disney characters or overlaying personification.


how can it all unfold with important detail that stops at excess?


bernie

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Bernie... that was the kind of input I needed... I will simplify things...best

[Kenneth2816]

Bring this into present tense Bob.Let us visit it with you.

[BobBradshaw]

Good idea... thanks, Kenneth

[SivaRamanathan]

time-lapse-photography

Just a mere suggestion.

S