April in a Japanese Tea Garden

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

April in a Japanese Tea Garden

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Feb 2018, 09:48

April in a Japanese Tea Garden


A tea house drifts
under red dragon maples
as lotus blossoms float
in a pond,
koi gazing up
with their brightly
painted faces

at cherry blossoms
drifting down in a blizzard
of petals.

Wandering past rhododendrons,
their pink mouths
brushing the air,
I grab your hand.

Beneath a horse chestnut tree,
its cones of rosy blossoms
rising torches,
we kiss

--yet how do I explain
later how we drift apart,
how everything slips
away?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: April in a Japanese Tea Garden

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 14 Feb 2018, 10:49

Very nice, no nits.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: April in a Japanese Tea Garden

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 14 Feb 2018, 13:38

Nice description of the moment.Everything moves as it should until,'later how we drift apart,'.Perhaps a stronger verb than 'drift"?

S

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: April in a Japanese Tea Garden

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 14 Feb 2018, 22:58

Bob

enjoyed the subject---but it is a field strewn with literary cliches....so, what does the poem offer?



A tea house drifts
under red dragon maples
as lotus blossoms float
in a pond,
koi gazing up
with their brightly
painted faces






Alas, red dragon---lotus blossoms, koi pond---if this were a super bowl commercial we would be disappointed. however, i sure like them fishes with brightly painted faces---just make them something---proud, dull, wet Buddhas....you see my drift. me, i open the poem---

staring at the sullen fish,
we like to imagine they stare back.



Bob---cliches alert----

at cherry blossoms
drifting down in a blizzard
of petals.

blizzard is a good try, but out of step with the Japanese feel so far.

find a new flower---maybe one that doesn't sound either familiar or romantic. however, for me, rhododendrons ain't it.


Wandering past rhododendrons,
their pink mouths
brushing the air,
I grab your hand.



not crazy for pink mouths---brushing the air has Japanese poem possibilities----brush painted ----perhaps.


Beneath a horse chestnut tree,
its cones of rosy blossoms
rising torches,
we kiss


not crazy about that verse---horse chestnut tree---and rosy blossoms---definitely no no.

what then...?

beneath banners announcing
a peach festival, we pause.
Radios speak to us in Japanese,
news print and black and white photos
of auto crashes and beauty contests.





--yet how do I explain


i like the direct address here to the reader....the sharp transition from beauty contest to separation.



later how we drift apart,
how everything slips
away?



lot of telling there, little showing. YES/NO?


later, I shop alone for shishito,
stir fry as the moon withers.




you have all of Japan to entertain this couple, and the reader. to distract from their blossoming romance---return to them almost as an afterthought.


a dozen carts and shops,
red and green colors,
Japanese signs and passersby
wrapped in Shinto scents,


We tour a gallery
sit before a modern drawing
of Mount Suribachi.



kiss, for the first time
on a hotel landing,
doors open and close
two floors up
from our miniature rooms.



is she Japanese? Married, yes. it is understood she will return to her family.

take things away, a closed restaurant they wanted to re-visit. a watch he gives as a present, that she now places in her bag. the dwindling daylight....?


Bob...I like the frame you have here---i like it just plenty. maybe fill in the details---local color as an editor might say to reporter on field assignment where the action was slow.

Love the title---can i steal it? LOL


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: April in a Japanese Tea Garden

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Feb 2018, 04:47

Thanks, Bernie... you have a lot of excellent ideas

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