Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Feb 2018, 07:11

v2:

Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

We wait for your friend
on a small arched bridge.
Koi gaze up from the pond
with brightly painted
faces.

You introduce me
to a 93 year old woman
in a kimono.
She laughs, a kokyu
in her arms.

"But my first love
wasn't Japanese music,"
she confides.
“My heart beat to big band music.
1 was 15 years old,

and every Saturday night
we swung to Tommy Dorsey,
Artie Shaw, Glenn Miller…”

We say goodbye and wander
past pink clouds
of flowering peach and plum,
windsocks flying above us,

to a small auditorium
with your friends.
I sit in a folding chair.
You lean into a mic.

You play a song about winter,
your flute sounds pure
and free in the rich,
fruit scented air.

I stand as the song ends
applauding wildly.
You are the first girl I kissed,
my heart leaping like waves
over a sea wall.
Who knew that fifty years
would pass by like
an overnight
storm?


v1:
Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

We wait for your friend
on a small arched bridge.
Koi gaze up from the pond
with brightly painted
faces.

You introduce me
to a 93 year old woman
in a kimono.
She laughs, a kokyu
in her arms.

"But my first love
wasn't Japanese music,"
she confides.
"It was big band music.
1943. I was 15 years old,

and every Saturday night
we swung to Tommy Dorsey,
Artie Shaw, Glenn Miller,

the light from the yard's tower
swinging past the windows
as we clung to each other,
or kicked our heels."

We say goodbye and wander
past pink clouds
of flowering peach and plum,
windsocks flying above us
in the trembling wind,

to a small auditorium
where your friend will play later.
I take a seat in a folding chair.
You lean into a mic.

You're playing a song about winter
on your flute:
a bird lands on the tip
of your flute
as if it were a branch,
the falling dust of snow
concealing it.

I know it's there because it sings
as you play--
your waist wrapped
in a flower print skirt
of ageless peach blossoms.

I stand as the song ends
applauding wildly.
You are the first girl I kissed,
my heart leaping like waves
over a sea wall.
Who knew that fifty years
would pass by like
an overnight
storm?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Feb 2018, 09:40

Enjoyed thoroughly Bob
a mix of Japanese and western.
I loved the narrative, true love blossoms
in a Japanese tea garden.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 17 Feb 2018, 10:06

Bob---

bit edit, big change.


realistic and natural narrative.

i especially like the concluding verses.


We say goodbye and wander
past pink clouds
of flowering peach and plum,
windsocks flying above us
in the trembling wind,


would avoid wind used twice in this verse.

same with was....."

But my first love
wasn't Japanese music,"
she confides.
"It was big band music.
1943. I was 15 years old,



maybe age is enough, unless you want to evoke WW II.



and every Saturday night
we swung to Tommy Dorsey,
Artie Shaw, Glenn Miller,


Saturday night
and Tommy Dorsey,
Artie Shaw, Glenn Miller...
coca cola and chocolate bars.,



more present tense---less it words.


a small auditorium
with your friends.
I sit in a folding chair.
You lean into a mic.

You play a song about winter.

your flute sounds pure
and free in the rich,
fruit scented air.


me, i cut the bird landing....


on your flute:
a bird lands on the tip
of your flute

birds land delicately
in the branches.

A falling dust of snow.


i hope you like this new version you are just now posting, i do.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Feb 2018, 21:57

Thanks, as always, Bernie for your big time help. I will fine tune with your newest suggestions. Best, Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Feb 2018, 21:56

revised

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 18 Feb 2018, 22:37

Bob---


i like V.2 plenty. it tells a complete story---covers 50 years with no confusion or loss of focus.

your two characters on the bridge----reminded me of this descriptive note from Mavis Gallant (with 100's of New Yorker short stories):

‘In the summer dark, belles-de-nuits glowed pink, lemon, white… In May the nights were dense with stars and fireflies. From the rose garden one might have seen the twin pulse of cigarettes on a balcony’


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Feb 2018, 17:39

I though V2 gorgeous too
I think you have improved the poem.
IBPC material?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Feb 2018, 21:49

Thanks, Frank...really appreciate the offer but I think I will skip this month and submit to a couple places. Best, Bob

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#9 Post by meenas17 » 20 Feb 2018, 15:06

Enjoyed, Bob.
A lovely poem of love. Simple and beautiful.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Japanese Peach Blossom Festival

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Feb 2018, 22:28

Thanks, Meena

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