Transit Point

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Transit Point

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Feb 2018, 06:47

Revised


I think about last night and the autistic
quality to our love making.

My florid penis
grown plump as African bananas.

Her arms sweet as paid nights
with a geisha.

Rain all morning, white as Bombay gin,
My first call of the day, her answering
machine speaks blank verse.

I totter water strewn boulevards.
Street traffic drifts forward,
washed out rain, taxi fumes blue
as Christmas decorations;

Light infected with melancholia.

When my silent film began
it was about a woman, her hips pushed
out like rich cheques for the poor.
Now, I'm too hung-over to remember
the rhyme-scheme of a villanelle.








I think about last night and the autistic
quality to our love making.

My florid penis
grown plump as African bananas.

Her feet sweet as paid nights
with a geisha.

Rain all morning, white as Bombay gin,
My first call of the day, her answering
machine speaks blank verse.

I walk what's left of the yellow dog,
the street traffic drifts forward,
bread colored rain, taxi fumes blue
as Christmas decorations;

Light infected with melancholia.

When this poem began I knew
its purpose. Lines, for a woman,
her hips pushed out like rich checks
for the poor. Now, I'm too hung-over
to remember the rhyme-scheme
of a villanelle.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Transit Point

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Feb 2018, 22:23

Good to see you working this poem again. There are so many things to like about it....but let me start with a few quibbles or questions....
I don't think 'feet' work with that great description of 'sweet as paid nights with a geisha'....suggest 'laugh' instead? Something besides feet.

What is the 'yellow dog'? Is that the narrator?
Why bread colored rain? I love the description of rain 'white as Bombay gin'....

Now everything else I like or love. The geisha line, the Bombay gin, the machine speaking blank verse, the hangover at the end....

Good writing, as always

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Transit Point

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Feb 2018, 22:43

V2


I think about last night and the autistic
quality to our love making.

Her arms
sweet as paid hours with a geisha.

Rain all morning, white as Bombay gin,
my first call of the day, her answering
machine speaks blank verse.

I walk the yellow dog, street traffic
drifts forward, taxi fumes blue
as Christmas decorations.

Light infected with melancholia.

When this poem began I knew
its purpose. Lines, for a woman,
her hips pushed out like rich cheques
for the poor. Now, I'm too hung-over
to remember the rhyme-scheme
of a villanelle.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Transit Point

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Feb 2018, 23:00

I like this much better...a good, solid poem...very enjoyable

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Transit Point

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Feb 2018, 03:16

A study in decadence
autistic
paid geisha
gin
yellow dog
a taxi fumes blue
infected
meloncholia
hung over

Maybe the British spelling for check i.e. cheques.

This poet (N) is in a mess. :)

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Transit Point

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 23 Feb 2018, 21:35

Bob---

thanks.


Frank---

but do you feel the narrators turmoil...as we do with Prufrock. do we see what he sees?

prefer american checks.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Transit Point

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Feb 2018, 21:49

The only problem using check is that it can mean to hold up,
whereas the British spelling, which is the correct way IMP, is quite clear
a promissory note to pay money.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Transit Point

#8 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Feb 2018, 01:01

ok, Frank.


a villanelle---though french, is mostly written in English I understand.


thanks.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Transit Point

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Feb 2018, 01:30

I like this version, especially what you have done with the water strewn streets stanza... although I don’t understand why the rain is wheat colored.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Transit Point

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Feb 2018, 02:19

I feel the turmoil
I recognise it
seen it in others
a long time since I've come near to absolute despair
but I recognise it.

Prufrock a long poem, very nice.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Transit Point

#11 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Feb 2018, 05:09

Bob---

alas....washed out rain.....now.


thanks


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Transit Point

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Feb 2018, 21:46

Ok

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Transit Point

#13 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Feb 2018, 23:03

Frank---

that's it....the gospel according to le bernie.

thanks for letting me know. this narrator is negotiating despair and losing.


Bob---

wheat colored rain...an attempt to say colorless or white rain. so, a bernie rule....just say what you mean...not poetic speak...wheat colored rain sends me to poetry jail for what i hope will be a suspended sentence and only community service....so, colorless rain.

thanks for dropping back.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Transit Point

#14 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Feb 2018, 23:55

A suspended sentence is granted, and you’re already doing great community work

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