Lagos (1967)

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Lagos (1967)

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Feb 2018, 17:22

Just us two in the rickety bus
hitting every pothole on the way
back to the airport.

BOAC's Boeing 707 to Schiphol,
refuelling at Mali. A date
with desert dates for dessert.

You looked every inch royalty
at the checkout in your smart suit
and J. K. pillbox hat.

We fidgeted until callout and held
each other. You disappeared
behind the departure console.

The long flight back to the crude oil
of the Niger Delta, your intimate perfume
hangs in an empty wardrobe.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Lagos (1967)

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Feb 2018, 22:28

Just lovely, Frank! The rickety bus, the potholes, the pill-box hat, the fidgeting...my only suggestion: don't have two 'dark' words in the last stanza....darkest Africa is close to being a cliche... ideas? Work this out and I will nominate it for an IBPC nod.

descended over my
provincial heart

and evening thick as drapes
closed over my provincial
heart

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Lagos (1967)

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Feb 2018, 00:04

Frank---


agreeing with Bob.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Lagos (1967)-V2

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Feb 2018, 22:40

The ending is much better, Frank, especially "your intimate perfume hanging in an empty wardrobe"....however 'the crude of the Niger' sounds awkward....'to crude Nigeria'? maybe? You're very close...really like that wardrobe image!

The long flight back to the crude
of the Niger, your intimate perfume
hanging in an empty wardrobe.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lagos (1967)-V2

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Feb 2018, 00:53

Okay, thanks Bob
for crude read oil
does that make sense.

Or Crude oil of the Niger Delta.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Lagos (1967)-V2

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Feb 2018, 01:00

crude oil works...

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