I Cycle Again the Dry Dock Road-v2

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

I Cycle Again the Dry Dock Road-v2

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Feb 2018, 03:30

Wheels crinkle on the black star-sprinkled road,
turn left at Moorland Road past the hospital,
men ending their journeys as I begin mine.

I ride along the river bank
stank mud grey like a whale's backside
rich with chit.

Lone herring gull, resplendent, statuesque
in palace-grey chevrons of the queen
presiding over the sewage outfall.

I drift along through an Acheron mist
under the black cliffs of the dry dock,
a river of bitumen over my head.

Past the ship chandler's shack that leans
wearily into the lock-gates pump house.
I turn in on time, Dafydd stamps my card.

Bobby lurks in the shadows,
a flash of his flaccid thing,
the pungent smell of urine.

Juliet meets me at the bridge, her pure
white smile, like the Cliffs of Dover, greet
me with a pheromone drenched fragrance.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Dry Dock Road

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 23 Feb 2018, 05:10

Frank---


13 or so images stabbed into an innocent reader. what did we do wrong to deserve this treatment?


LOL.



try one or two, integrated into a coherent poem. then let's see where we are.




bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Dry Dock Road

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Feb 2018, 00:50

I really like these 2 lines in the closing stanza:

May meets me at the bridge
pure white smile like the cliffs of Dover

if you use fragrance, use a different flower....roses are much too common in poems, and have lost their impact as a consequence

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Dry Dock Road

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 24 Feb 2018, 01:11

Frank---


yes, agree with Bob:


May meets me at the bridge
pure white smile like the cliffs of Dover
her fragrance a summer rose.



wonderful writing challenge to get that fragrance image just right for this terrific verse.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Dry Dock Road

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Feb 2018, 02:14

I bow to received wisdom, changed
to: her fragrance drenched in pheromones.

If it makes sense.

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