Sparrows

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Sparrows

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 26 Feb 2018, 21:14

After WW2, I would sit
in the bay to look
out at the crazy-paving
and the concrete birdbath to watch
sparrows cluster for a drink.
Mam threw crusts in winter
to get them through the frozen days.

In summer they washed to rid
toxic air from a million million
chimneys. Coal fires that emitted
fumes, smoke and coal-dust.
Lewis said we were
the only country where cinders
flew like saucers.

Sparrows fly and fight, bathe
with a shake of their feathers. Spring
glorious, fledglings flopped,
skimmed the hedgerows
plopped dead tired from cats
stalking, the rats.

Cats, filthy murderous bastardy cats.
torment them and kill, starving cats,
which they were not.

New birds moved in after
the clean air act (1956):
rooks, chaffinches, tits, warblers,
blackbirds and magpies.
I miss those cheeky sparrows,
and their piercing cheeps.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Sparrows

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 26 Feb 2018, 23:51

Frank---

i admire a poem like this one that carves itself out of the poet's imagination. or experiences.

After the war, I would sit
in the bay to look
out at the crazy-paving
and the concrete birdbath to watch
sparrows cluster for a drink.


what war? and why crazy.

the poem is built most endurable upon tone, upon feelings. so why not describe the toxic air and the main points in our vision.


Mam threw crusts in winter.
In summer to wash.
Sparrows were the few birds able
to endure toxic air.

Every home had a coal fire that emitted
fumes, smoke and coal-dust.
Geoff Lewis said we were
the only country where cinders
flew like saucers.

do you need Geoff?


weary of poems and stories that love...something....in this case, sparrows.


I loved to watch the sparrows
fly and fight, bathe with a shake
of their feathers. Spring was always
glorious, to see their fledglings,
real families, free and happy.


i like these very visual lines:

the sparrows
fly and fight, bathe with a shake
of their feathers. Spring was always
glorious, to see their fledglings,
real families, free and happy.



It was sad to see the cat
from next door stalk
the little fellows, torment
them and kill
as if they were starving cats,
which they were not.


no preaching, the cats kill, maim and do so without much second thought----made by the same God that gave us Napalm, the Holocaust and Da Vinci.


These days we have clean air
birds that we never used to see:
rooks, chaffinches, tits, warblers,
blackbirds and magpies.
I miss those cheeky sparrows,
their piercing cheeps.


branch away here---cut to a second scene. what? not sure, but i would avoid this list.


Mam calls me to dinner,
Pa freshly scrubbed from the colliery,
the overhead oil lamp turned on,
we settle in silence.


bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Sparrows

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Feb 2018, 00:17

Good, good, good
I was doodling, that's my excuse.
Crazy-paving is broken slabs
that are fitted together at all angles
and cemented, a British tradition.

Some mixed up people buy new slabs
perfectly good square and neatly
trimmed slabs, smash with a sledge
hammer and make crazy-paving.

See all those years as a visitor to Britian
all those books you wrote
articles on the British
and you don't know crazy
British like crazy paving. :)


https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=cr ... ORM=HDRSC2
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dicti ... azy-paving
http://metro.co.uk/2011/03/23/boozy-bri ... te-646143/

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sparrows

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Feb 2018, 02:34

I would cut the final 3 lines, and take up Bernie’s suggestions. There is a good solid poem waiting for you at the end of your next work shift.

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