Dafydd's Devil

[FranktheFrank]

He didn't think it would end that way, that night,
the night he'd dressed like James Dean and turned
his collars up at the ends, a fag half burned in his mouth.
He always dressed that way when he went out looking
for college kids, to scare them. Jean liked watching,
and there he was, a tall skinny kid, doing his 'A' levels.
"Wants to go into the RAF, said one of his pals, can't
fight." So what, he'd just rough him up a little bang
his head agaisnt the wall and not one of his dumb
college pals would help, until the guy showed up.

Well I'd just finished Stan off, the little runt cut in on me
at the Y.M. an' Gaynor screaming , "Don't let him
Daffydd, please, the guy creeps me out and he's always
following me." I kinda liked Gaynor, been eying her for ages.
An' now this little runt was cutting in. All I said was, "Nope."
And he calls me out like, as if he ever had a chance. Well
of course I took pity on him, him being so small and didn't
hit him hard, hardly at all. And that was that, only a few
blows before he shouted out, "Alright, alright," and I let him go.
You know the funny thing is, I ain't never seen Gaynor since.

Abes was almost crying, blood splatter on the wall, the boys
cringing by his side an' Jean Hawkins watching from
the shadows. Now Abes was a nice boy, nice family, not
rich but just nice. An' I thought what the hell, so I says,
"Leave him alone,' An' Gardiner says, " Oh, you wanna
fight instead, do you?" He called me you see. An' I had
no choice. So we goes around to the lane and before
he could do anything, anything at all I grabs him
with crossed arms so the choke was on. He couldn't
speak an' he couldn't breath an' when he fainted
a little I took him to ground. I let him up when he came
to, but he wouldn't stop, kept talking back and then
the devil kicked in an' I did terrible things, terrible.

And walking back, my friends wouldn't close with me,
not within six feet, and the abhorrence on their faces
surprised me see and my shirt, my new white shirt stiff
with blood. And then I knew I could never fight
again, only if up against it bad, cos if I did that devil
would come out, and that would be the end of me.

[Bernie01]

Frank---


long narrative---for a pom.

a fight. and this after Rocky and Raging Bull......(Raging Bull is the prime of Robert De Niro's career, it is his greatest performance.)

the ending, cloys. the devil made him do it.


resist, resist, telling a PG novel.

the pom....long, as i mentioned, for a poem in this precinct.

am i entertained? intrigued? in wonder? well, is the poet?

the pom...


He didn't think it would end that way, that night,

2 that words in the first line...


lost me here:


Jean liked watching,
and there he was, a tall skinny kid, doing his 'A' levels.
"Wants to go into the RAF, said one of his pals, can't
fight." So what, he'd just rough him up a little bang
his head agaisnt the wall and not one of his dumb
college pals would help, until the guy showed up.


Jean?


And walking back, my friends wouldn't close with me,
not within six feet, and the abhorrence on their faces


abhorrence sounds both Old Testament like and an out of place vocabulary choice for this crowd.

find a better take for this movie fight.


bernie


story with punch and unforgettable emotional impact:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNYvzKy-i9k

[FranktheFrank]

Thank you Bernie.

There's a lot to take in:

1st S in the 3rd person with Jean his moll, and tall skinny kid (Abes)

2nd S in the 1st person i.e. Dafydd, with Stan and Gaynor

3rd S 1st person again from Dafydd's p.o.v., with Abes seen more clearly,
Jean defined as a Hawkins and the person in 3rd person p.o.v.
S1 defined as Gardiner, a punk. Abes mates are peripheral.

4th S 1st person a again with Dafydd, Abes mates become his mates
and the devil inside a metaphor for uncontrollable anger.

To close with someone, a verb, to do something i.e. get closer.
Used in fights, to close for action.

The word abhorrence is well used here, especially for college kids.
The Beatles group were working class lads and spoke the vernacular
of Liverpool, but they were 'A' level students in college and knew
what he word 'abhorrence' meant.

Hope this clarifies my 1st draft, it is long,
but I've seen longer. Just been reading
this moth's judge: Wade Bentley
and I liked his style.

Thanks again for your efforts.

best wishes.