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Turning Back

Posted: 07 Mar 2018, 18:12
by meenas17
Original

Decimals and fractions
crowd my mind.

Formulas and equations
come in rows.

Punctuations and propositions
crisscross with a drag.

Spellings and grammar
keep me at bay.

Am restless all the more
never at peace.

It is the school days,
I relive.

I go behind in decades
without any hesitation.

Love to stay  for a while
as the years so far,
and those yet to come
make me tired.


Revision

Decimals and fractions
crowd my mind.

Formulas and equations
come in rows.

Punctuations and prepositions
crisscross with a drag.

Spellings and grammar
keep me at bay.

Am restless all the more
never at peace.

It is the school days,
I relive.

It is a retrospection
without any hesitation.

Life prolongs.Tired, I carry on.
Future seems bleak.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 07 Mar 2018, 22:53
by Bernie01
M---

a melancholy tone, i think of aging---and ask what use all our learning.

excellent poem.


bernie

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 07 Mar 2018, 23:19
by BobBradshaw
Very nice... but change line to “I go back decades”...

“as the years so far” is awkward... so work on that line...a small bit of wok and you’ll haves fine poem... already enjoyable

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 08 Mar 2018, 12:58
by meenas17
Thanks, Bernie.
I want to go back in years, play like a school girl.
An impossibility!.
I carry on.

Meena.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 08 Mar 2018, 12:59
by meenas17
Bob, I will modify the two lines shortly.
Thanks.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 09 Mar 2018, 03:16
by FranktheFrank
Meena, full marks for spelling, punctuation and grammar.
I like the layout, very good, regular.

L5 You mean prepositions?

The poem is about older people
their thoughts revealing and revelling
in memories of an earlier life
an almost sacred time.

Well done.

p.s. Maybe: love to dwell

You need to split the last strophe
to make it regular.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 09 Mar 2018, 16:06
by Kenneth2816
Nice sentiment Meanas.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 11 Mar 2018, 20:46
by meenas17
Thanks, Frank.
Your appreciation helps.
I will revise the poem soon.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 11 Mar 2018, 20:46
by meenas17
Thanks, Kenneth.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 14 Mar 2018, 06:50
by BobBradshaw
Hi Meena, the last stanza isn’t guise there yet... how about something more straight forward, maybe:

I linger as long as I can,
the future already tiring

or
I linger as long as I can,
the future already
discouraging

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 14 Mar 2018, 18:08
by meenas17
Bob,
Yes, I was not sure as how to modify the stanza.
I am deliberating. You have shown the way to alter the lines.
I will redo and submit.
Thanks.
Meena.

Re: Turning Back

Posted: 18 Mar 2018, 20:33
by meenas17
Revised the poem.
Modified the last stanza.