Endearments in South Chicago

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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Endearments in South Chicago

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 09 Mar 2018, 02:49

They shot a naked man howling in a barricaded house.
Neighbors said he harmed no one and expertly clipped
his lawn into the night like an emergency room doctor
putting in stitches on graveyard shift.

I wish we talked before things went so bad,
spoke together here in South Chicago of father Gandhi
and offered endearments to peace.

But I mind my own business, box a roast beef sandwich
at the senior lunch and spend the evening in my bathrobe,
my wasp thin computer overheated on my lap.

Letters to the Tribune, an ode to the TV sets
of my apartment complex that never switch off, faithful
as a lighthouse, a letter to my dead wife, her face full
rupees, the stern look her eyes gave out and only sixteen
years old.

Summer tans me to the color of newly drilled oil,
I drink Bigelow teas while smoking Churchman No 1
cigarettes.

I am in the rag trade with other Indian Jews like myself,
my secondhand racks full of unwanted suits for men.
I observe Passover from a window of the 93 bus.

Oh naked man, howling man shot dead I mourn
your lunar transit and ask both India and Pakistan
to hold their fire for a single rotation of the moon.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Mar 2018, 03:07

Ramadan.

One of if not the favourite of mine.

How can one improve on a perfect poem that has already won IBPC recognition.

S1 great

S2 an addition if I remember

S3 same as the original if memory serves me, maybe drop the 'but'.

S4 missing Jeddah, I hanker for that Jeddah

S5 colour of Sepoy, nothing wrong with Sepoy
no matter what some say, perfectly good simile
far better than fresh drilled oil. How do you, a journalist, know
that oil is tanned not black as most say. I've brought
in oil wells, I know that heady smell, that golden colour,
the froth that makes one want to drink the power of oil.
Thank goodness you have the good sense to leave
in Bigelow and Churchman's fags.

S6 perfect strophe

Full stop after dead. Good ending, only now you could
make a general statement about warring nations, ideologies
arab/mulsim/Hindu, Eu vs Britian and so on.

I mess with my poems all the time cos they are far from perfect,
why you mess with this gem beats me. But its your life
and your poem. Maybe you take it out of the drawer,
like memories, just to stroke and say, Did I really
write this. :)

p.s. Your new title stinks. :)

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 09 Mar 2018, 05:28

Frank---

my posting error.


intended this poem to continue
our discussion about setting a firm, CLEAR PLACE THAT OUR CURRENT ibpc JUDGE HE FAVORs


I WONDERED IF I DID THAT IN THIS OLD POM....


BUT YOU KNOW ME, I COULDn't HELP MAKING A CHANGE OR TWO...S I POSTED.


I TOO FAVOR BROWN AS A SEPOY...


AND THOUGHT I WOULD USE THE LINE ABOUT OIL.


BERNIE

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 09 Mar 2018, 15:47

Wow. I cant see much that neefs attention, Bernie. I would suppose beef to be ok for an Indian Jew.It heightens the alienation the narrator has for his homeland.

This is a superior piece of work, yet I missed the Ramadan without Frank's annotation. If you have not dine so, please send this out.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 09 Mar 2018, 15:48

Kenneth2816 wrote:Wow. I cant see much that neefs attention, Bernie. I would suppose beef to be ok for an Indian Jew.

This is a superior piece of work, yet I missed the Ramadan without Frank's annotation. If you have not dine so, please send this out.

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#6 Post by Bernie01 » 09 Mar 2018, 21:35

well, i've muddied the waters....


so, a little more history of this poem...remember this IBPC judge likes a poem that establishes a clear place, two years ago, the same judge had this to say....

the judge:

Sometimes detail, even fresh and wonderful sensory detail, can be simply dumped on readers to no apparent purpose. In this poem, however, the details flesh-out the speaker’s life to such an extent and in so few lines that, by the end of the poem, the poet has created that crucial parallel, a mirror we can hold up to the dead man. There are deeper religious and geopolitical threads, here, but I am most taken by the concreteness of “secondhand racks full of unwanted suits for men,” and “box a roast beef sandwich/ at the senior lunch.” --C. Wade Bentley



later, i posted this new ending:

I posted the following amended last verse:



Naked man, I drape you in a used suit and black shoes,
halogen lights bloom in the city across summer roofs
shining into the closed eyes of the departed dead,
sentinel dogs bark in their jeweled collars.




so, not so much the quality, but just now and here----does a poem estblish a place?


thanks all.

bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Mar 2018, 22:33

Yes, I like that last amended strophe, so much better than the Pakistan/Indian from the original.

Ken, if you have not read the original, with Bernie's permission
I quote in full:
Ramadan
by Bernard Henrie
The Waters
First Place, July 2015
Judged by C. Wade Bentley

They shot a naked man howling in a barricaded house.
He clipped his lawn into the night skilled as a doctor
on graveyard shift putting in stitches.

But I mind my own business, box a roast beef sandwich
at the senior lunch and spend the evening in my bathrobe,
my wasp thin computer overheated on my lap.

Letters to my dead wife faithful as the Jeddah lighthouse,
her face full of rupees, the stern look her eyes gave out
and only sixteen years old.

Summer tans me to the color of an Indian Sepoy.
I drink Bigelow teas while smoking Churchman No 1
cigarettes.

I am in the rag trade with other Indian Jews like myself,
my secondhand racks full of unwanted suits for men.
I observe Passover from a window of the 93 bus.

Oh naked man, howling man shot dead I mourn
your emerald passage and ask both India and Pakistan
to hold their fire for a single rotation of the moon.

Sometimes detail, even fresh and wonderful sensory detail, can be simply dumped on readers to no apparent purpose. In this poem, however, the details flesh-out the speaker’s life to such an extent and in so few lines that, by the end of the poem, the poet has created that crucial parallel, a mirror we can hold up to the dead man. There are deeper religious and geopolitical threads, here, but I am most taken by the concreteness of “secondhand racks full of unwanted suits for men,” and “box a roast beef sandwich/ at the senior lunch.” --C. Wade Bentley

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#8 Post by IndianaDP » 24 Mar 2018, 17:33

Hello Bernie, so great to read you again, and being from Chicago I could resist this poem. As always, you have used creative details to move your story forward and keep the reader engaged. Neighborhoods are strange animals, everyone knows about everyone and yet know one really knows anyone. And so with your two characters, two different animals, and yet in the end, despite their differences, there is compassion. This day and age it’s so easy to focus on evil, your poem suggests goodness prevails.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Endearments in South Chicago

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Mar 2018, 04:26

Lovely work again ... one suggestion: put “a” before graveshift

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