White caps ride the thermals while
below ribons of blue snake out
from the shore, highways of effluents
carry the detritus of procreation
Black mills, workshops, empty of Satan
flourish in the Kingdom, repairing,
forging, creating wealth for the nation.
Huwie attends his machine, a ten ton slotter
and increases the cut. A shudder shakes
the foundations, Roy stirs from his reverie
"Steady lad, steady, we've got hundreds
of the buggers to go through, hundreds."
Old Roy drifts into soliloquy, "Those Boers
could shoot the eye out of a turkey
from half a mile away, tricky farmers
of the Transvaal, plucky fellows."
Rod screams, "You're ten thou out!"
Hughie replies with a few ripostes in his head,
but then best not to antagonise him further,
He might cleck and tell Mr. Greenfield
the foreman.
Huw's heady with the freedom, excitement,
the power of the machines, glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes
that unsettles the girls and informs them
of a scenario to come. The flywheel picks up
again after the thud of the cut, storing
potential energy ready for the next pass.
It runs quietly, the bearings oiled
the noise of the flapping belts hardly
noticeable. He knows the older apprentices
are surreptitiously listening
watching for a mistake, he holds
back the cut on the downward stroke,
eyes turn to face him, he knew it.
Roy opens one eye, then drifts off again.
Tenderfoot
-
- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
-
- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Tenderfoot
Modified.
-
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Tenderfoot
Could to hear you telling a story again....A suggestion...start at the line "Huwie attends his machine..." That gets us quickly into the action. Who is Mr. Greenfield? Toss him.
I like these lines:
glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes
that unsettles the girls...
but take out "and informs them
of a scenario to come. " < the language is flat and unnecessary
Look to cut ....maybe "surreptitiously, but listening." and "He knew it." are candidates. Also "knew" is past tense, the rest of the stanza present....
As usual, your storytelling and grasp of dialogue stands out...good, strong voice....
I like these lines:
glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes
that unsettles the girls...
but take out "and informs them
of a scenario to come. " < the language is flat and unnecessary
Look to cut ....maybe "surreptitiously, but listening." and "He knew it." are candidates. Also "knew" is past tense, the rest of the stanza present....
As usual, your storytelling and grasp of dialogue stands out...good, strong voice....
-
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Tenderfoot
I remember the original and I like this much more. It's another Frank poem, full of action and indecipherable machines
Re: Tenderfoot
Frank---
industrial graphic.
a brave new telling of the industrial story, rich and highly visual.
i found myself just saying wow as this freight train roared by
bernie
industrial graphic.
a brave new telling of the industrial story, rich and highly visual.
i found myself just saying wow as this freight train roared by
bernie
-
- Posts: 1987
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Tenderfoot
Thanks Bernie, Bob and Ken
so kind.
so kind.