Hanging Garden Of Babylon

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#1 Post by meenas17 » 20 Mar 2018, 19:49

I find petite figures on the wall.
Some are modern art.
Few resemble dance postures.

I watch them for a while,
as they waltz merrily.
with the breeze.

They look pale and fragile.
Each one is distinct.
Intensive in most places.

Clothed in light beige,
their attire lacks sheen.
torn in places.

Around the light fixtures
and in the intersections
I see them suspended.

In haste strike them
with the vacuum cleaner.
The best of them go inside.

Settle  exhausted.
unaware of the hanging garden
of Babylon right over my head.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Hanging Babylon

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Mar 2018, 05:43

M---


i like the original scene the poem sets for me. good narrative follow through.


only, are the pictures actually alive?

did I misunderstand?

and chasing them?


And i don't understand the final image.




but a poem with a thought provoking spine, a strong central reality.


bernie

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#3 Post by meenas17 » 21 Mar 2018, 07:40

Should be Hanging Garden of Babylon.
I missed the garden part which had led to the confusion.
Thanks, Bernie.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Mar 2018, 11:00

It's a poem about dusting,
hanging gardens a metaphor for cobwebs.
Quite funny.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#5 Post by meenas17 » 21 Mar 2018, 13:58

Frank,
Does it sound silly?
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Mar 2018, 14:53

Not at all, I thought it original,
it certainly scuppered Bernie.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Mar 2018, 21:57

I like the tightening of language that your poetry has taken. For clarification, perhaps you can either mention cobwebs or put it in the title...”Cobwebs, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon”?

When are cobwebs beige?

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#8 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Mar 2018, 22:54

M---


oh, i seeeee.

dust mites, particles, clots, balls---resembling modern art in a gallery.


saying that helps the reader---this reader--- to move swiftly through the poem----makes the excellent Hanging Gardens final line more stunning.


would you want to name an artist, a painting?




I find petite figures on the wall.
Some are modern art.
Cubist work there, a Salvador Dali
hanging from the curtain rods.



Several resemble dance postures
and jiggle suggestively in the draft.


THEY waltz. Perhaps sing
with the breeze.


merrily seems weak, too familiar.


Each one is distinct.
Pale and fragile as a girl on first date.



Intensive in most places.

not crazy about this line----prefer the word ephemeral...



Ephemeral.


Clothed in light beige,
their attire lacks sheen.
torn in places.


me, i cut these three lines....takes us away from art---the art gallery stroll, the house cleaning.




ephemeral, suspended by the dust ferry



around light fixtures, the intersections
of vents and shadowy grills.


me i cut this line:

I see them suspended.



In haste,
in a guilty panic, I strike them
with the vacuum cleaner.


me, i cut this line----stay with the action....
The best of them go inside.

Finally, like an exhausted lover,
I fall supine unaware of the hanging garden
of Babylon right over my head.



you can have fun with art---if you decide to name that "modern art."


Stay fast, and clear. but no listing of things....your Hanging gardens of Babylon has appeal when understood...


remember, it is not the image of art....so it is a bit risky. Yes? but it is a risk well taken because it promotes the poem from the prosaic base to the creative rafters..



bernie

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#9 Post by Bernie01 » 21 Mar 2018, 23:28

M---


could i tempt you to consider the s.east Iindian diaspora?


here, for example----


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7MedCJSLeU


or to quote a few lines from an Indian poet that moves you.


or from the country of your residence.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Mar 2018, 03:28

Now that Bernie is with the poem
he has written a splendid critique
I admire his suggestions and hope
some of them, at least, are taken up and used.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#11 Post by meenas17 » 22 Mar 2018, 19:15

Wonderful! Bernie.
What a critical analysis!
I value your inputs and use most of them in my revision.
Thanks.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#12 Post by meenas17 » 22 Mar 2018, 19:18

Thanks, Bob.
"When are cobwebs beige?"

My smile is the answer.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#13 Post by meenas17 » 22 Mar 2018, 19:20

Frank,
I intend to include most of Bernie's suggestions in the revision.
Of course, it will take little time.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#14 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Mar 2018, 22:28

Its your poem Meena
use other people's ideas as you wish
but retain your own identiy
even if other people don't like your style.
Only take advise on English usage
but retain one's own identity
that is what I recommend.

We can only be ourselves not copies of other poets.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#15 Post by meenas17 » 23 Mar 2018, 19:57

Frank,
I agree.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#16 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Mar 2018, 21:36

maybe tweak the closing just a bit?

I see them suspended,

and in haste strike them
with the vacuum cleaner.
The best of them go inside,

settle exhausted,
unaware of the hanging garden
of Babylon right over my head.

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#17 Post by IndianaDP » 26 Mar 2018, 23:10

I read and commented on your poem in another forum, glad to see it here. You have gotten many great suggestions, so I don’t wish to get in the way of your revisions. I do have one nit, when you say, ‘In Haste I strike them with a vacuum cleaner’ I see someone swinging the whole machine through the air.
Perhaps, in haste I strike them with vacuum attachments.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#18 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Mar 2018, 03:17

What about, “in haste sweep at them...”?

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#19 Post by IndianaDP » 27 Mar 2018, 04:05

Or perhaps a ‘straw broom’

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Hanging Garden Of Babylon

#20 Post by BobBradshaw » 27 Mar 2018, 08:50

Straw broom works

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