Meeting my Father-in-law - revised
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Meeting my Father-in-law - revised
Meeting my Father-in-law
Wolfi’s father finally met me,
his eyes cold as a trout’s.
With Wolfi accompanying him,
their music soared at night,
and yet the old man’s violin bowing,
like his voice,
scraped at my nerves
as if they were strings
strung too tight.
That’s when I missed my little one
the most, left behind
with a wet nurse.
For three months I dreamed
of going home,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again
but waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
Version one:
Constanze Mozart
I was right to have dreaded
meeting Wolfi's "Papa".
He met me with eyes cold
as a trout's.
He rarely mentioned
his grandchild,
whom we had left behind
with a wet nurse in Vienna.
Leopold's violin soared at night
as Nannerl and Wolfi accompanied him.
My praise for him was met
with looks of contempt.
For three long months I dreamed
of escaping Salzburg,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again.
Waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
Wolfi’s father finally met me,
his eyes cold as a trout’s.
With Wolfi accompanying him,
their music soared at night,
and yet the old man’s violin bowing,
like his voice,
scraped at my nerves
as if they were strings
strung too tight.
That’s when I missed my little one
the most, left behind
with a wet nurse.
For three months I dreamed
of going home,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again
but waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
Version one:
Constanze Mozart
I was right to have dreaded
meeting Wolfi's "Papa".
He met me with eyes cold
as a trout's.
He rarely mentioned
his grandchild,
whom we had left behind
with a wet nurse in Vienna.
Leopold's violin soared at night
as Nannerl and Wolfi accompanied him.
My praise for him was met
with looks of contempt.
For three long months I dreamed
of escaping Salzburg,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again.
Waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
-
- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Constanze Mozart
Your Mozart phase
a rehash of an old poem?
It looks familiar.
Sucking breasts is evocative
especially nipples
No nits.
a rehash of an old poem?
It looks familiar.
Sucking breasts is evocative
especially nipples
No nits.
Re: Constanze Mozart
Bob---
can i talk you into a major revision?
too many names, for one thing. interesting only because Mozart if mixed in, but not interesting because of the poem.
and then, a lot of close reasoning---in flat diction, to set the poem for the wonderful final verse.
alas, the poem could be about any mother with a lost child...
i have a line, every instrument was a cello.
i wish you would talk to me about the poem.
bernie
can i talk you into a major revision?
too many names, for one thing. interesting only because Mozart if mixed in, but not interesting because of the poem.
and then, a lot of close reasoning---in flat diction, to set the poem for the wonderful final verse.
alas, the poem could be about any mother with a lost child...
i have a line, every instrument was a cello.
i wish you would talk to me about the poem.
bernie
-
- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Constanze Mozart
Bernie - Bob
Yes, talk it through
Yes, talk it through
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Constanze Mozart
Thanks, Bernie, for offering to help. I can see now the poem is too spare(flat as well)...It's part of a Mozart series, and by this part in the series the reader should know who Leopold and Nannerl are....but I see your point. It's a standalone poem as well, and so names become a problem...
I want to capture Constanze's view: trying to be accepted by the Mozart family(her husband's father and sister). Leopold never liked the Weber family from which Constanze came from. She didn't have money or an upper class status. Also, she wasn't an outstanding musician or singer(her sister Aloysia was the famous talented one).
Constanze reached out to Nannerl in letters, but Nannerl coldly ignored or rebuffed them. She and her father blamed Constanze for breaking up the Mozart family. For their entire lives, up to Wolfgang's wedding, they had always planned to live together or at least in the same city....Wolfgang being the main provider through hopefully attaining a full time position at a court...Wolfgang's marriage, and leaving the family behind in Salzburg, rankled both father and sister.
That tension hung in the air when Wolfgang and Constanze finally visited them for the first time.
I want to capture Constanze's view: trying to be accepted by the Mozart family(her husband's father and sister). Leopold never liked the Weber family from which Constanze came from. She didn't have money or an upper class status. Also, she wasn't an outstanding musician or singer(her sister Aloysia was the famous talented one).
Constanze reached out to Nannerl in letters, but Nannerl coldly ignored or rebuffed them. She and her father blamed Constanze for breaking up the Mozart family. For their entire lives, up to Wolfgang's wedding, they had always planned to live together or at least in the same city....Wolfgang being the main provider through hopefully attaining a full time position at a court...Wolfgang's marriage, and leaving the family behind in Salzburg, rankled both father and sister.
That tension hung in the air when Wolfgang and Constanze finally visited them for the first time.
Re: Constanze Mozart
Hi Bob, I am unfamiliar with the life of Mozart so following the story was a bit difficult. For me some of what you said in your last comment injected into the poem would be helpful. I do like the style, use of couplets. The ending is great.
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Constanze Mozart
Thx, Dale... I intend to open up the poem but at the moment my supply of time is short. Hopefully, I can get back to it before too long... best
Re: Constanze - revised
Bob---
not crazy for the narrative here---it seems to move without compelling line.
is there a zig zag? just asking?
Version two:
Constanze
Hadn’t Wolfi's "Papa" made it clear
that I was unwelcomed
as a Mozart?
must we start with less than a declarative?
"hadn't....that I...."
What musical talent did I bring?
More to the point, what money?
money always so important, we think, in Mozart's life, but "musical talent"? important to her, but to the reader? is the poem going to make an issue of her inferior musicality?
she was low class, from the POV of Mozart's father and sister...enough for me.
could her lower class behavior be characterized?
speech. dress, manners.. education...what?
her father, a popular performer, a musical tradesman, like a studio musician today.
His father's absence at our wedding
was like a piano hanging
over our heads
out of a window
by an uneasy rope—impossible
to overlook
the narrative drive here, the family doesn't like me.
though Wolfi neither mentioned him
nor his sister, Nannerl.
?
Both blamed me
for Wolfi running off to Vienna.
They clutched their grudges
tight to their chests.
not earth shattering.
We put off visiting Salzburg
as long as we could...
If excuses to delay
could have been bought,
I would have pawned
everything.
more not earth shattering dialectic...
Wasn't I right to have dreaded
meeting Wolfi's "Papa"?
He met me with eyes cold
as a trout's.
now back to the opening.
a new element...the child is also ignored.
He rarely mentioned
his grandchild,
whom we had left behind
with a wet nurse in Vienna.
this geo lesson, another diversion for the reader.
His violin soared at night
as Nannerl and Wolfi accompanied him.
I sang one night parts from Wolfi's
C minor Mass, written
for me,
now, back again to the focus on her musicality.
but father and sister swept their eyes
over me with contempt.
the inferiority, focused here on her musicality....was the reader expecting her to be so good?
For three long months I dreamed
of escaping Salzburg,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again.
geo again. and suddenly, late in the poem a child, a new name.
Waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
somehow, this just doesn't rise above melodrama.
but, wow, only six weeks old. still nursing, where did the "formula" come from before refrigeration?
compare and contrast this close, which sears the reader and bleeds.
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
in future editions, will you explore her remarriage as a widow?
Danish diplomat Georg Nikolaus von Nissen, a mozart enthusiast.
the two write a mozart bio.
they also seemed to have edited the letters.
Piero Melograni's bio helps me with his organization and his liberal use of Mozart’s letters.
Prologue - June 1765: In a London Tavern
1. 1756–1767: The Rise and Decline of the Child Prodigy
2. 1767–1777: Searching for a Post with His Father
3. 1777–1778: In Search of a Permanent Post with His Mother
4. 1778–1780: A Difficult Homecoming
5. 1780–1782: Winning Freedom
6. 1782–1786: Vienna: Difficulties and Successes
7. 1786–1790: The Great Italian Operas
8. 1791: Mozart’s Last Year
what to do? i don't know what i propose, i'm a deep state admirer of Mozart...but this poem leaves me uneasy.
bernie
not crazy for the narrative here---it seems to move without compelling line.
is there a zig zag? just asking?
Version two:
Constanze
Hadn’t Wolfi's "Papa" made it clear
that I was unwelcomed
as a Mozart?
must we start with less than a declarative?
"hadn't....that I...."
What musical talent did I bring?
More to the point, what money?
money always so important, we think, in Mozart's life, but "musical talent"? important to her, but to the reader? is the poem going to make an issue of her inferior musicality?
she was low class, from the POV of Mozart's father and sister...enough for me.
could her lower class behavior be characterized?
speech. dress, manners.. education...what?
her father, a popular performer, a musical tradesman, like a studio musician today.
His father's absence at our wedding
was like a piano hanging
over our heads
out of a window
by an uneasy rope—impossible
to overlook
the narrative drive here, the family doesn't like me.
though Wolfi neither mentioned him
nor his sister, Nannerl.
?
Both blamed me
for Wolfi running off to Vienna.
They clutched their grudges
tight to their chests.
not earth shattering.
We put off visiting Salzburg
as long as we could...
If excuses to delay
could have been bought,
I would have pawned
everything.
more not earth shattering dialectic...
Wasn't I right to have dreaded
meeting Wolfi's "Papa"?
He met me with eyes cold
as a trout's.
now back to the opening.
a new element...the child is also ignored.
He rarely mentioned
his grandchild,
whom we had left behind
with a wet nurse in Vienna.
this geo lesson, another diversion for the reader.
His violin soared at night
as Nannerl and Wolfi accompanied him.
I sang one night parts from Wolfi's
C minor Mass, written
for me,
now, back again to the focus on her musicality.
but father and sister swept their eyes
over me with contempt.
the inferiority, focused here on her musicality....was the reader expecting her to be so good?
For three long months I dreamed
of escaping Salzburg,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again.
geo again. and suddenly, late in the poem a child, a new name.
Waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
somehow, this just doesn't rise above melodrama.
but, wow, only six weeks old. still nursing, where did the "formula" come from before refrigeration?
compare and contrast this close, which sears the reader and bleeds.
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
in future editions, will you explore her remarriage as a widow?
Danish diplomat Georg Nikolaus von Nissen, a mozart enthusiast.
the two write a mozart bio.
they also seemed to have edited the letters.
Piero Melograni's bio helps me with his organization and his liberal use of Mozart’s letters.
Prologue - June 1765: In a London Tavern
1. 1756–1767: The Rise and Decline of the Child Prodigy
2. 1767–1777: Searching for a Post with His Father
3. 1777–1778: In Search of a Permanent Post with His Mother
4. 1778–1780: A Difficult Homecoming
5. 1780–1782: Winning Freedom
6. 1782–1786: Vienna: Difficulties and Successes
7. 1786–1790: The Great Italian Operas
8. 1791: Mozart’s Last Year
what to do? i don't know what i propose, i'm a deep state admirer of Mozart...but this poem leaves me uneasy.
bernie
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Constanze - revised
Ok, thanks for taking time to go into so much comment. I will put it aside.
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Meeting my Father-in-law - revised
Sorry, just tinkering
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Meeting my Father-in-law - revised
Hi Bob,
4 workshop-shares:
"as if they were strings
strung too tight."
as
as if strings strung too tight.
"Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?"
as
Just six weeks old when we departed.
Shouldn't his grandfather
have made the visit to us?
"Would he have died under our care?"
as
Would our son still be alive under our care?
(^^ See below how I workshop suggest incorporating this detail in the finale)
"To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then"
as
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I remember Raimund
nursing at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple then.
and/or this arrangement:
To this day
Would our son still be alive under our care?
haunts my heart
as I remember Raimund
nursing at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple then.
Michael (MV)
BobBradshaw wrote:Meeting my Father-in-law
Wolfi’s father finally met me,
his eyes cold as a trout’s.
With Wolfi accompanying him,
their music soared at night,
and yet the old man’s violin bowing,
like his voice,
scraped at my nerves
as if they were strings
strung too tight.
That’s when I missed my little one
the most, left behind
with a wet nurse.
For three months I dreamed
of going home,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again
but waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
Version one:
Constanze Mozart
I was right to have dreaded
meeting Wolfi's "Papa".
He met me with eyes cold
as a trout's.
He rarely mentioned
his grandchild,
whom we had left behind
with a wet nurse in Vienna.
Leopold's violin soared at night
as Nannerl and Wolfi accompanied him.
My praise for him was met
with looks of contempt.
For three long months I dreamed
of escaping Salzburg,
of cradling little Raimund
to my chest again.
Waiting in Vienna was the news
of our baby's death.
Why had I agreed to leave home?
Shouldn't Wolfi's father
have visited us, our baby
six weeks old when we left?
Would he have died under our care?
To this day that question tears
at my heart as I recall Raimund
sucking at my breast--
my grief tonight as raw
as my nipple
then
-
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Meeting my Father-in-law - revised
Thanks....I will go over your suggestions ..best