Oklahoma (revision)

[IndianaDP]

Revision-
Near old photographs of oil fields
and dust bowl refugees
a Rock-Ola jukebox
plays Earnest Tubb.

I’m drinking shots, ready
to stop driving trucks, to start
selling cars for my brother
in East Sacramento.

The bartender pours another
and knows she is striking,
a Cherokee maiden
with masculine shoulders,
heavy eye liner
and black press on nails.

We talk about Huntington’s disease
and Guthrie’s divorce,
ribbons of highways
and Dorothea Lange.

A wagon wheel light
is a circle of fire
on the ceiling.

I confess to sorting things out,
that my wife has filed papers.

Moon Mullican is singing
‘Goodnight Irene’
a cowboy in red leather boots,
stitched on the side
with white Texas stars,
slow dances his partner
into a corner.


Original-
The jukebox, a pink neon drag queen
with gyrating bubbles, levels 45s
like Myron’s Discobolus.

Two whiskey sours and I’m thinking
of transplanting Lady Anne roses
from beside the garage
to a bed near the front
I recently turned.

The bartender digs in the ice,
makes me another. She is striking,
a Cherokee maiden
with masculine shoulders,
heavy eye liner
and black press on nails.

I ask about Tulsa, Doretha Lange
and a collection of vintage guitars
at the Woodie Guthrie Center.

A wagon wheel light paints a circle
of fire on the ceiling.

I confess I am sorting things out
and my wife has filed papers.

Two cowboys get up, the one wearing
red leather boots, stitched on the side
with white Texas stars,
dances the other
into a corner.

[Bernie01]

Dale---

plenty going on...and all of it edged with wit and barely hidden sadness.


not your intent...but you reference this at the opening...the Discobolus.


a maverick part of my brain wanted to see this OK bar over laid by a Greek Taverna....the ...Cherokee maiden

with masculine shoulders...etc.


projected as the Greek discus thrower.

glistening in Athenian sun,
sweating in the red desert of Oklahoma....


The bartender digs in the ice,
makes me another. She is striking,
a Cherokee maiden
with masculine shoulders,
heavy eye liner
and black press on nails.


love these details.



but this is crowded, confusing and don't work good for me:


The jukebox, a pink neon drag queen
with gyrating bubbles, levels 45s
like Myron’s Discobolus.


at the befginning, or end...

i would observe how nothing changes in Oklahoma...like the Bulkans...

the speaker says he could replant his roses,
switch to the night shift, divorce his wife,
return to this bar
and only the color the bartender's eyeliner
would have changed...


British Museum - The Townley Discobolus
http://www.britishmuseum.org/research/c ... .aspx?...1
Description. The Discobolus: marble statue of an athlete stooping to throw the discus. One of several Roman copies made of a lost bronze original made in the 5th century BC by the sculptor Myron. The head is wrongly restored and should be turned to watch the discus.




I ask about Tulsa, Doretha Lange
and a collection of vintage guitars
at the Woodie Guthrie Center.


me, i cut in favor music....

Bob Wills....vintage cowboy and country....Wiilie...

then to this wonderful image:



A wagon wheel light paints a circle
of fire on the ceiling.



i love this snap cut to what's eating the narrator:


I confess I am sorting things out
and my wife has filed papers.



this ending is world class:


Two cowboys get up, the one wearing
red leather boots, stitched on the side
with white Texas stars,
dances the other
into a corner.


love it to death....


bernie

[FranktheFrank]

I may appear just freeloading Bernie's critique
but I did not know how to tell it,
agree with B. on:

The jukebox, a pink neon drag queen
with gyrating bubbles, levels 45s
like Myron’s Discobolus.

[BobBradshaw]

There is some lovely writing, as Bernie has pointed out. I like everything about this poem except for the things: the Discobolus reference and the closing stanza. The closing stanza is written well, but doesn’t carry the emotional weight that I am looking for. The previous stanza, however, does, and I love it for that reason.

[IndianaDP]

So right you all are. The jukebox stanza was the first thing I wrote and then the poem took a detour. I debated replacing it, but also liked it and stubbornly held on. It will go in the vault to reappear later.

[Bernie01]

Hank Williams and Anita Carter (1949, NBC / Kate Smith Hour sponsored by Bab-o

I can't Help It If I'm Still In Love With You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orM1yplEltI


Ernest Tubb

I'm Walking the Floor Over You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWmbFXJDHrM





Kitty Wells

It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels (1952)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKleTa94dC8



Jimmy Rogers (the Singing Brakeman)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbzc77Tz6PA


Jimmy Rogers (1928)

He's In the Jailhouse Now






and this wonderful crash history course of country/bluegrass/cowboy/religious music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvhmqdWXusE

[BobBradshaw]

Oh, this is gorgeous, Dale....Love the revision!!!!!!

[IndianaDP]

Love those songs Bernie, when I was young I hated country western, loved rock and roll. It’s nice to be older and understand the connections and appreciate the directness.

Thanks Bob, I made a few new and minor edits to cut some unneeded pronouns, other than that I’m happy, at least until the next time I read it.

[FranktheFrank]

I think this is an improvement Dale,
glad you left the reader to make the
connection who is dancing with who.

[IndianaDP]

Thanks for hanging in with me Frank, I always appreciate your input.

[Bernie01]

Dale---

shining in the red okla sun. and it isn't closing time.

final revision

Near old photographs of oil fields
and dust bowl refugees
a Rock-Ola jukebox
plays Earnest Tubb.

I’m drinking shots, ready
to stop driving trucks, to start
selling cars for my brother
in East Sacramento.

The bartender pours another
and knows she is striking,
a Cherokee maiden
with masculine shoulders,
heavy eye liner
and black press on nails.

We talk about Huntington’s disease
and Guthrie’s divorce,
ribbons of highways
and Dorothea Lange.

A wagon wheel light
is a circle of fire
on the ceiling.

I confess to sorting things out,
that my wife has filed papers.

Moon Mullican is singing
‘Goodnight Irene’
a cowboy in red leather boots,
stitched on the side
with white Texas stars,
slow dances his partner
into a corner.





bernie