Spider Orchids

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Spider Orchids

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Apr 2018, 23:34

v2:

Spider Orchids


My favorite?
An orchid from my childhood:
the great plains
white fringed orchid, her tresses
of snowy flowers

unloosening evening perfumes
for roaming male moths.

Then there's
your favorite,
the lady's slipper,
her labellum swollen
like a lover's
lip.

Wasn't I, too, first drawn
to my wife
not by her love of gardening

but by her Chanel scent
and her long white legs?
And, more important
her sultry lips?

Who knew then that love
would prove as loyal
as this greenhouse's
steady temperatures
and tender
mists?

v1:
Spider Orchids


My favorite? I choose
an orchid from my childhood:
the great plains
white fringed orchid, her tresses
of snowy flowers

unloosening evening perfumes
for roaming male moths.

Then there's probably
your favorite,
the lady's slipper,
her labellum swollen
like a lover's
lip.

Wasn't I, too, first drawn
to my wife
not by her love of gardening

but by her Chanel scent
and her long white legs?
And, more important
her sultry lips?

Who knew then that love
would prove as loyal
as this greenhouse's
steady temperatures
and tender
mists?

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Spider Orchids

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 20 Apr 2018, 05:37

Bob---


a joy and wonder. so original, beginning to end.

one fresh, unexpected image after another.




My favorite? I choose
an orchid from my childhood:
the great plains
white fringed orchid, her tresses
of snowy flowers


unloosening evening perfumes

(I almost blush.)


the lady's slipper,
her labellum swollen
like a lover's
lip.






...first drawn
to my wife
not by her love of gardening

but by her Chanel scent
and her long white legs?
And, more important
her sultry lips?



so intimate, yet delicate and always respectful.

Who knew then that love
would prove as loyal
as this greenhouse's
steady temperatures
and tender
mists?




what i call a world class ending.

my nom for the next IBPC.


bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Spider Orchids

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Apr 2018, 07:19

Your enthusiasm makes me almost blush....thanks, Bernie

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Spider Orchids

#4 Post by IndianaDP » 21 Apr 2018, 00:51

Yes indeed, a lovely poem Bob. Here are a few possible edits-

My favorite? A bloom
from my childhood:
the great plains
white fringed orchid, her tresses
of snowy flowers

I would cut ‘I choose’ as its obvious what follows is his choice.

unloosening evening perfumes
for roaming male moths.

Then there's your favorite,
the lady's slipper,
her labellum swollen
like a lover's
lip.

I would cut ‘probably’ after all these years it seems he would know.

Wasn't I, too, first drawn
to my wife
not by her love of gardening

but by her Chanel scent,
long white legs,
and more important
her sultry lips?

Trying to eliminate a few pronouns
Who knew then that love
would prove as loyal
as this greenhouse's
steady temperatures
and tender
mists?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Spider Orchids

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Apr 2018, 05:10

Thanks, Dale...I like your suggestions

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