Repair Man -removed 16 Jan 2024
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Repair Man -removed 16 Jan 2024
His voice permeates through from
Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men
His voice percolates through from
the dining room, reflects impatience,
his frustration. I try to focus
on my newspaper. He cries again
to himself,
'I can't do it.'
I wonder if percolate is the best description of a child’s voice? It makes me think coffee, old man.
Perhaps drop the ‘his’ in front of frustration.
As you know my tendency is to whittle down to bare bone, so any further suggestion would be along those lines. I do like the changes you’ve made and don’t wish to alter your style.
the dining room, reflects impatience,
his frustration. I try to focus
on my newspaper. He cries again
to himself,
'I can't do it.'
I wonder if percolate is the best description of a child’s voice? It makes me think coffee, old man.
Perhaps drop the ‘his’ in front of frustration.
As you know my tendency is to whittle down to bare bone, so any further suggestion would be along those lines. I do like the changes you’ve made and don’t wish to alter your style.
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men
Agreed Dale
another word for percolate
maybe permeates.
The 'his' does jar, I noticed it.
Thanks
another word for percolate
maybe permeates.
The 'his' does jar, I noticed it.
Thanks
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men
I like this sweet tale and this warm-hearted narrator... you rarely see poems of this nature... enjoyed!
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men
Thank you Bob,
glad you like.
glad you like.