Repair Man -removed 16 Jan 2024

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Repair Man -removed 16 Jan 2024

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Apr 2018, 11:12

His voice permeates through from

IndianaDP
Posts: 181
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men

#2 Post by IndianaDP » 25 Apr 2018, 17:56

His voice percolates through from
the dining room, reflects impatience,
his frustration. I try to focus
on my newspaper. He cries again
to himself,
'I can't do it.'

I wonder if percolate is the best description of a child’s voice? It makes me think coffee, old man.
Perhaps drop the ‘his’ in front of frustration.


As you know my tendency is to whittle down to bare bone, so any further suggestion would be along those lines. I do like the changes you’ve made and don’t wish to alter your style.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Apr 2018, 18:40

Agreed Dale
another word for percolate
maybe permeates.
The 'his' does jar, I noticed it.
Thanks

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Apr 2018, 06:09

I like this sweet tale and this warm-hearted narrator... you rarely see poems of this nature... enjoyed!

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Fred and Joe Auto Repair Men

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 26 Apr 2018, 08:51

Thank you Bob,
glad you like.

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