Stargate

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Stargate

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 22 May 2018, 21:35

Dark when you kiss my eyes,
but I can see lightning
staggering in a sky corner,
I notice rocket ships fast
in the fox constellation
driving to a greater cosmos,
a moon full of bougainvillea
stares without speaking.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Stargate

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 May 2018, 10:00

This whimsical poem grows on me with each reading, a future opening up that stretches into wondrous possibilities with that kissing of the narrator's eyes....closing with that romantic image of a moon "full of bougainvillea".....

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Stargate

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 May 2018, 15:04

Typo on lightning. I like it but wonder if it's brevity works against itself.
Have two sustain instead of eightvsingke lines with no stanza break? Form won't make a bad poem good, but can make a good poem better Trivia suggestions I know.

I think the last two lines are stellar

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