Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 May 2018, 22:41

v2:

Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents


At their wedding reception
they hung a cage of warbling wrens.

When the female would pause
in her singing

the male would pick up
her song...

There remain a dozen cages
but empty now.

The songbirds are gone that once
talked loudly over each other,

like happy customers
at a popular restaurant.

When I was a small boy
a chickadee sometimes

would take to my head of curls
as if it were a nest,

and I would walk around,
the bird chirping,

my grandparents encouraging me
to join in its singing.

They were as good as starlings
at imitating others’ songs,

delighting in all they heard,
the mastery of a new trill,

a new squee-squee,
a new chrrrrr, a new

burr-rip burr-rip.
Now the rooms are warmed

by sunlight passing
through dusty panes.

They have become photos
in a family album,

their songsters perched forever
on their shoulders,

all looking as if at any second
they will burst
into song




v1:
Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents


At their wedding reception
in their small house

they hung a cage of warbling wrens
from the ceiling.

When the female would pause
in her singing

the male would pick up
her song...

There remain a dozen cages
in their bamboo floor house

once filled with songbirds--
but empty now--

where birds of paradise talked
loudly over each other

like happy customers
at a popular restaurant.

The couple
were as good as starlings

at imitating others’ songs,
delighting in each other’s

mastery of a new trill,
a new squee-squee,

a new chrrrrr, a new
burr-rip burr-rip.

Now the rooms are warmed
by sunlight passing

through dusty panes.
They have become photos

in a family album,
their songsters perched forever

on their shoulders,
all looking as if at any second

they will burst
into song

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 22 May 2018, 22:55

Bob---


great concept, development and climax. a poetry seminar.


bernie


Seidel:

...an unabashedly romantic interlude in Paris with Von Furstenberg:

“At her old apartment at 12, Rue de Seine/We lived like hummingbirds on nectar and oxygen.”

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 May 2018, 14:55

BobBradshaw wrote:Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents


At their wedding reception
in their small house

hung a cage of warbling wrens
from the ceiling.

When the female would pause
the male would pick up her song.


There remain a dozen cages
in the bamboo floor house

once filled with songbirds--
but empty now--

where birds of paradise talked
loudly over each other

like happy customers
at a popular restaurant.

The couple
were as good as starlings

at imitating others’ songs,
delighting in each other’s

mastery of a new trill,
a new squee-squee,

a new chrrrrr, a new
burr-rip burr-rip.

Now the rooms are warmed
by sunlight passing

through dusty panes.
They have become photos

in a family album,
their songsters perched forever

on their shoulders,
all looking as if at any second

they will burst
into song
Bob I did a bit of trimming for logical conclusion but left couplets intact

The conclusion is the poem, the imagery combined with the memories, as if to burst into song.

My thinking is itvdrags a bit, and there is a poverty of "power lines", the ones that make the reader sit up.

Not saying it isn't good,just wondering if you've really saud all you wanted

I might suggest you mention by name a,few of these exotic creatures, their vibrant colors in contrast to the sameness of an empty house.

Then finish with a line Bernie used to call palm d'or.

These are your memories. I'm left as a mute observer. I want to be a participant but have no ease into the poem . I think it's a great setting and a memorial to your grandparents

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#4 Post by Bernie01 » 23 May 2018, 21:53

Ken---


OK, let's examine Bob's challenge...for a palme d'or...more exceptionalism.

but only i see minor edits right now.


At their wedding reception
in their small house


would like to avoid the quick repeat of their.


At their wedding reception
they hung a cage of warbling wrens.

is it necessary to add this ...from the ceiling?
from the ceiling.



At their wedding reception
they hung a cage of warbling wrens.

When the female would pause
in her singing

the male would pick up
her song...





There remain a dozen cages
but empty now.

The songbirds gone that once
talked loudly over each other.

like happy customers
at a popular restaurant.

The couple
were as good as starlings

at imitating others’ songs,
delighting in all they heard,

mastery of a new trill,
a new squee-squee

over breakfast before work,
burr-rip burr-rip at night.

Now the rooms are warmed
by sunlight passing

through dusty panes.
They have become photos

in a family album,
their songsters perched forever

on their shoulders,
all looking as if at any second

they will burst
into song




well, for me the ending is enough palme d'or.

here is an israeli nobel prize winning poet, a poem of loss....


In another poem, “The U.N. Headquarters in the High Commissioner’s House in Jerusalem,” Yehuda Amichai viewed bitterly the role of the international community in his country, which had become a playground of peace negotiators:

“And their secretaries are lipsticked and laughing, / and their sturdy chauffeurs wait below, like horses in a stable, / and the trees that shade them have their roots in no-man’s land / and the illusions are children who went out to find cyclamen in the field / and do not come back.”

bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 May 2018, 11:25

I found minor edits as well.I still stand by my comment. It's a good poem.
I think it could be a great poem

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 May 2018, 21:14

I am indebted to both of you for your perspectives, and comments....I will expand and play with the poem to see what emerges. At any rate thanks so much for the edits.... Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 May 2018, 21:26

I have expanded the poem to see how opening it up more would help....let me know...best, Bob

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#8 Post by Bernie01 » 24 May 2018, 21:46

Bob---


wondering...

less birds...a little more detail about the deceased couple featured by the pom....

maybe the development of another key image---like the birds.

I like what Seidel did with the bird image....:

“At her old apartment at 12, Rue de Seine/We lived like hummingbirds on nectar and oxygen.”


at any rate...something new...


her mantilla
lovely as a nun

and his books,
piled against the flood.

The radio soap opera,
the six o'clock news

Their care for a boy,
love without limits

and expressed
in two languages.

sententious and eloquent,
the broadcast English.

his books thumbed
nightly by me.

Her mantilla
now on a chair,

I wander the house,
but no radio broadcast,

no one
to praise and love me.

the books
resting on shelves

quiet as promises
offered in simple prayers.





well, you see my drift....



bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 May 2018, 00:45

Bob. These kinds of poems are hard because theyre personal I like your revisions but see Bernie point as well

If you could amplify some of the behavior of birds that would describe the old couple, without mentioning them, we would get it. Do birds mate for life? Do they take care of each other? I'm ignorant about birds, but you are an astute enough poet to make it happen

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 May 2018, 03:37

Revised again....I truly appreciate how much you're helping...Bob

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#11 Post by Bernie01 » 25 May 2018, 05:32

B0B



love the revision, especially the added sequence that allows the narrator to directly interact with the grandparents.


palme d'or.



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 May 2018, 07:13

Thanks, Bernie... I am grateful for your and Kenneth’s help

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Epithalamion for my Dead Grandparents

#13 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 May 2018, 09:36

Well done

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